i realize now that, as i moved beyond my divorce, i left behind memories and pieces of me that no longer fit with my current self. i left them so far behind that they became unrecognizable--that i became a stranger to my former self. now, i've unearthed what archives of my blog i could find online because my backup was cannibalized during a backup, along with most of my writing. i've skimmed some of the posts during the restoration process and it's been much less painful than i anticipated. then again, it has been a decade.

what comes next (in life/on blog) is still in the works. i stumbled across a list i drafted several years ago of 101 things to do in 1001 days. it was exciting to see how much i'd accomplished or experienced, and it underlined several things that i still want to do.

moxie has settled across my left wrist, which is now pressing uncomfortably into the laptop. this feels like home.


bienvenue! välkommen!

welcome back, furiousmuse.com! i'm going to do something proper with you, but it's weirdly wonderful to have you back in my life after a nearly 3 year hiatus. i've missed you. let's go exploring...

p.s. manual restoration in process, thanks to the wayback machine. good writing, poor writing, and everything in between; i'm me.


5 nov 2017

well, how about that. i'm getting my domain back. this should be interesting.


10 aug 2017

tonight i did not make the turkey casserole. i have all the ingredients, but i got home so late that i simply didn't want to do it. it's the end of the work week, what can i say. i'm over it.

i'm on the brink of buying a domain again. to blog regularly. we'll see, honestly. i'm not totally convinced i want to. but i am amused that godaddy shows my former domain for sale for the nominal fee of $900. that's never going to happen. i'll book 2 flights to new york city before i spend that much on a recreational domain.


9 aug 2017

when i read this today, a moving article about people and cats and who/what one gives time to, i found myself prompted to turn a thoughtful eye on my own life. i admire the author and dear friend who put those thoughts to the page because behind all of it i get the sense that she loves what she does. i don't glamorize the life of a freelancer, nor do i equate satisfaction with the guise of i'm-perpetually-happy: those are two distinct subjects. what i recognize instead is that where one spends time reflects and influences a person's life.

i'm 39.

i'm 39 and i've been divorced for eight-ish years. thank you, state of california, for making that date such a fuzzy target. do i go by the date i petitioned the court? or after the requisite six months passed?

i'm 39 and i'm divorced and i still don't talk about it very openly because who knows the source of my meager web traffic. i'm assuming it's mostly people i personally know or who knew me once. the sparse comments certainly don't contribute to my clarity. but, you know, i'm sure i could offend someone or hurt someone else.

i've done all of that before here. i alienated the best friend who grew up around the corner from me because of a misunderstanding and i've never been able to reconnect with her. i tried. i donated to the cause when she was sick. i was (am) so sorry.

so i chucked my entire blog. the bits and bytes are backed up on a flash drive. memories, apologies, my life in ones and zeros.

i'm 39 and i just took my first self-defense class ever. suddenly i'm thinking on all those things my mother tried to tell me. i'm feeling vulnerable and hesitant about not traveling in pairs from place to place. where's that balance, i wonder? the one that is cautious and careful but lives life fully and isn't intimidated by being alone?

allow me to return to the point, which is life. i'm 39 and independent. i'm strong. i've earned my keep and i have a bonafide career where i get tasked to work on things that occupy my brain to the fullest capacity (but not constantly). i love the work. concurrently, i'm also alone.

at this point i can go a couple of ways. i could tell you about how i reminisced on the past minus all its blemishes (many that i take equal responsibility for, mind you). i could tell you about the pangs of terror at the thought of stepping into 40 under my current set of circumstances. pushing the tears aside though, what i'll tell you is the pervasive nugget of truth in all of this: i persist.

i persist and the tremors of sadness are temporal things that are swept sideways by the deeper truths: i have an amazing companion in the remaining cat from the trio i had eight-ish years ago

**i wrote this in april 12, 2016, but i just stumbled on it today. i hadn't finished my thought at the time, but i'm finally ready to publish it. it's worth mentioning that that backup of my former blog was inadvertently cannibalized when i was backing up my computer about six months ago. i'm sorry it happened, but what is the point in bemoaning the loss? so many things were eaten up then, save those files i'd bothered to care for: my photos and my music. interestingly, my notes and papers from paralegal classes survived, but none of my writing. zero.

it's time to start again.


3 feb 2016

what's the thing that drives you? give your time and your energy to that thing. make it a priority.

on the heels of about 80 minutes at the piano, i know that i've found it. being able to play freely for the first time in years without concern over disrupting someone else is undoubtably the best thing for my health. one neighbor has complimented my playing, the other hasn't made a single peep about it. i've played mozart, moszkowski, and martin cuellar. i've practiced scales and done hanon exercises. i've sightread bartok. if something's going to give, it'll likely happen now and not several months from now. i'm lucky that the only thing under my apartment is a garage, because i think that is where the sound has the most potential for intrusion.

what gives with all the piano playing? i'm making large plans, my friends: a year from now, i'm giving a concert. recital? i haven't decided what the appropriate term is. i'm having this thing. i'm going to invite friends and i'm going to play piano. there a nervous anticipation brewing in my chest just dreaming about it. will i be able to collaborate with fellow musicians? because that sounds like so much fun. if not for this performance, it's certainly something to aspire to.

the dust has settled. i've almost been in this place for six months and for a while i didn't know what was next. in fact, i'm sure i had more than one conversation along the lines of "what do you do?" wherein i replied, "well, i go to work, come home, read, pet my cat, cook. and i'm not sure what else i want to do at this point, but i'm really happy." i knew that wouldn't last forever, and i'm grateful to have something to work on.

also, i'm still rather happy.


17 jan 2016

i'm trying to be less of a perfectionist.

to that end, i might actually go back in time and restore my old blog data (if i can figure out how to do that) sometime down the line.

as i find myself blogging more frequently, i'm learning to be patient with the amount of time it is taking to rediscover my voice. i find my words deficient in their communication; looking back at some posts makes me want to cringe--or hit delete.

i stay inside on a beautiful sunny day because i just can't settle on what i should be doing if i go outside. social paralysis is an overstatement, but when i have options at my fingertips and barely move from my living room, i don't know if i can say i'm enjoying my life to the fullest. (if you hadn't guessed, i'm talking about today.)

i could have gone to the grocery store, the gas station (even less glamorous), the movie theater, the library, the local hiking trail.... what did i do? well, i cleaned for about two hours this morning, and then i went to brunch with a friend, and then i came home and watched downton abbey. oh! i should mention i played piano for a while and phoned my parents. i don't mean to imply that it's been a total waste of a day--it hasn't--but i just think that i could have done better.

the perfectionist in me wants to constantly rewrite and edit until i have the clearest and bestest meaning conveyed that words can communicate. is that really the way to live a life? instead, how about don't apologize for being yourself. i will always strive to improve, but arguably some imperfect communication/blogging is better than none.


11 jan 2016

so many people have memorialized David Bowie so poignantly today.... for me, it was Bowie all day long in my earbuds. i sampled a musical education that i wish i'd taken the time to get much earlier as i have never been well versed in his discography. do yourself a favor: have a listen.

what did i learn? David Bowie was immensely talented (surely an understatement). five decades of albums means that he fully explored the diversity of musical genres. i assure you, if you don't find something you like then it's your own damn fault.

here are my highlights from today's exploration. reader, do share a favorite or four in the comments so that i make sure to give it a listen.


10 jan 2016

today is a race against myself: a day of uber-productivity. i haven't done much yet: i've composed two separate "To Do" lists, eaten breakfast, listened to some podcasts, emptied the trash, watched an episode of downton abbey, ordered acoustic foam to stuff into my soundboard...you don't want a list, do you?

i also woke from a very intense dream about taking piano lessons and prepping for a concert that was a week away.

what am i doing writing all this though: it's time to get those errands run!


5 jan 2016

i'm taking charge this month in some key areas that have been neglected.

  1. write more. this blog will get improve, and there will be some non-blog-related writing as well. 
  2. self care. a balanced life approach incorporating more sleep and exercise (stretch, strengthen, bike, yoga). and maybe a little more discipline in terms of prepping my own food as i certainly prefer it. i'd like to save dining out for special occasions, not because i was lazy and didn't pack my lunch. 
  3. feline care. an appointment is on the calendar. poor moxie will have to tolerate a 45 minute drive to my favorite vet.*
  4. make music. my piano is set to be tuned on friday. my neighbors have no idea what they're in for. 

i think that's enough to start, don't you?

*i feel like quality is so valuable these days. i drive an hour to get my hair cut, why scrimp on veterinary care? the doctor in town that i went to for mango was amazing, but palliative care was minimal and reasonably priced. when updating moxie's shots there was a discussion about dental care and the quote was simply off the charts. the excellent bedside manner and staff's empathy throughout the euthanization process aside, i see no reason to go back there and pay double what i would at my former office. it bears mentioning that i've known that veterinarian since 1998 and trust her implicitly.
do you go the distance far for quality service, products, or other things? tell me about it!