october 2002 archive


::catch phrases::
from the last three selections we've heard this morning come the following:

"no i don't have a gun"
"i've been down to the bottom of every bottle"
"c'mon baby make it hurt so good"

i don't have time for an intellectual commentary on the above, but there's something brewing here in my head.


::is this thing on?::
the music @ work is becoming increasingly torturous. i have lost count of how many times i have heard the following, as our preprogramed, made especially for the company, digital music is repeated every 8 hours:

"i can't think of a bad company to work for--this certainly isn't one!"

"you're listening to [company] radio. it's our way of saying thanks to the hard working men and women of [company]"

"you can leave your hat on"

"she'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain"

"round the outside, round the outside.... i say this looks like a job for me....."

"she's so high above me, she's so lovely"

"i've been down, i've been down ...to the bottom of every bottle."

i hear beatles, u2, paul mccartney...of course the good songs don't stand out as much as the bad ones do. i think this could easily drive anyone rapidly into a state abolute insanity.

i'm taking the semester off. i wimped out, what can i say. i think i'm nervous about school, as much as i want to do well, it's a pain in the butt. i feel like i skipped that part of life in a way. not saying, of course, that it is impossible to do, but in looking for a new job i became distracted. i have a new groove to adjust to here. and when i retake the same classes next semester i will be with it, educationally speaking. plus, hopefully i will find a nice soul w/ 2 vcrs who will help me tape the videos i have now...i'm not renting 2 semesters in a row here.

c'est tout!


::last words::

i looked back at my past for a brief moment, and, despite everything what's been on my mind lately, i am at peace. finally i can put those demons to rest. (an exaggeration, of course, but it's what i could muster for tonight)


::why should i cry for you::
under the artic fire
over the seas of silence
for all my days remaining
all colours bleed to red
sleep on the oceans bed
drifting in empty seas
for all my days remaining
why should i
why should i cry for you
dark angels follow me
over a godless sea
mountains of endless fog
for all my days remaining
what would be true

sometimes i see your face
stars seem to lose their place
why must i think of you
why must i
why should i
why would you want me to
what would it mean to say
i loved you in my fashion
what would be true
what should i
why should i ....cry for you.

(this song, among others, always touches me. sting's lyrics aren't always easy to decipher, so forgive my translation if i missed a word or two)

::souplantation is WONDERFUL::
discovered the wonderful combination which cannot be found ANY where else. at souplantation, they have a small syrup dispenser in their soda machine that drips out perfect drops of vanilla or cherry to be added to your beverage. today i had a caffeine free diet vanilla coke. that may no longer be "diet", but it was a darn fine plastic glass of soda. erin's h2o was jealous. perhaps i should have given THAT a squeeze from the magic syrup pump.
mild difficulty in operating the soda machine, too. there are no levers, no distinct signs instructing "push", no obvious buttons, not even an experienced diner to observe and immitate. 10 seconds longer than it should have taken, i have a full glass of magic soda and head back to my table. yeah! souplantation GOOD.


::some day sun day::
had a wonderful night on friday. josh & i ended up hanging with erin, george, and gina. what a blast.

among more serious issues.... i'm picking up & being brave, whatever that means.
my spirit is sore from the wear i've put on it. but today at church i saw the big picture, revealed to me in an early morning's worship rehearsal before i was wisked off to teach Kindergartners about what happens when you've done something wrong. You see, once you apologize, God forgives you. that's really simplistic, but i don't have time at the moment to dig deeper. what i am getting at is that i made a compromise & it hurt me to do it and it really hurt my friend. and others, i'm sure, who knew about what happened. (a vague fog ensues here, but i don't feel the need to split hairs & rehash the past with everyone) getting back to my point... i apologized as best i could. emails, phone conversations.... today, as it stands, we have spoken once, i emailed once after that. i feel slightly better about things, but the heart of the matter of "us" was not raised in this conversation. the thing being here that is frustrating about the real world (not the one you expose grade-K children to) is a bitter truth that you can apologize and not be forgiven by the person. and that's the hardest thing in all of this. maybe she has forgiven me, though, and it simply means that there is no friendship left.
the bottom line here is that after a year, i am still wounded, still haunted by this every day. and. it's time to move on... i think....

btw, the big picture involves this: there is this hole that we feel in ourselves. it is something that we try to fill with love, things, drugs, whatever. always are we left wanting more. never feeling totally satisfied by achievements, landmarks, boyfriends, girlfriends. always thinking if only i had this one more thing.... that one more thing cannot be quenched by things here on earth. it is an innate draw toward God. and even Christians get forgetful of these. i have. but i know it to be true.

it's later than you think
get up get up
it's fuming outside
stars shine
cloud cover sinks deep over the land
chilling the surface of my skin
only warmth is from within
what white night shines
memories fade so quickly and real life comes to play
sadness ebbs & flows
out of me
all i see
shining back at me
stars and slice of moon pie-like
it's later than you think
get up get up

get gone get gone
the past be gone
so why to linger
here on my head
like a pain earned by repeated stress
don't go don't go
i learned something today
i learned something yesterday
i'll tell you when i know what it is
like chinese noodles, some things are comforting
even just in memory
go go go
go go go
go go go
don't turn back
salty taste on my lips serves as a reminder
i've been facing the wrong way all this time
don't we know better?
surprised i'm still here?
i should be standing still
get gone get gone
go go go


::small world::
cousin gary & his girl, shakeh, came over today to take our former bedroom set with them. they rented a covered trailer and, wouldn't you know it, it had oregon plates.... it may very well be the same one that josh & i hauled my piano back with. i mean, what are the chances???? thought that was funny.
weekends are great, by the way. i'm having a blast here just poking around & being lazy. i may have to drag super mario out again and try to kick some booty. i feel like i'm 10 again or something, playing nintendo and getting mad at the machine because i can't seem to make it past one point. i miss the old days...pre nintendo 64. i used to do pretty well, but now the controlers are so darn complicated...I just can't seem to figure it out!


::sleep standing up::

foggy today...overcast, chilly, and gloomy. was inside the office (hereto known as "the box") today & desperately needed to leave. i did, at one point. the day is such & the work is such that one forgets the necessary 15 minute breaks required by california law. the box makes me forget these things. stepping outside is like coming out from being buried alive...i am being dramatic here. alas, i require nourishment. my stomach is growling like crazy.


::wee small hours of the morning::
what am i doing
drunk on healthy choice mint chip ice cream
watched braveheart
cleaned & laundered &
boy do i need to go to bed
gladly sad about the end of this chapter
that's how mixed up my emotions are
i have peace with everyone now, which makes things harder
but, thank God there is no bitterness here,
just the right thing to do for me & my family (josh, monty, & mango)


::counting down::

you know i'm relieved to be moving on to another job. i really believe it was time and in my heart i feel as though God gives me peace about it. that's a hard thing to say really, because i feel so unsure about it in so many ways. it's no miracle, believe you me. this job is not dream job (!!!). it is imperfect, as the next one will be. in our small office i already sense the hostility of frustration w/ co-worker b who phoned in "sick". i had to restrain myself. my co-workers are great, but i'm coming from a background very different than them, and that makes me...feel "out-of-the-loop". do i want to be in the loop? nay, from the bank i have learned to steer clear of controversy. though i nearly ate my foot on the aforementioned day, i got lucky. God's grace, but also a strong reminder not to forget what He's teaching me.

i think i get it now.
do my job. do it well.
don't complain. period.
don't express frustration about co-workers TO co-workers. it'll bite you in the butt & you'll spend the rest of your time trying to dig yourself out of a ditch.
don't take sides.

i tried to do this and remain respectful, but in the end, it broke me. i had already compromised so much. all the while trying to remain honorable as an employee.
new job=second chance

also, i love being so close to josh. we carpooled on tuesday (bye-bye northbound 405 traffic!!!) and lounged @ starbucks (i'll take a mocha-choca-lotta-ya-ya). i am so smitten!!!! (and proud of it!). the nail on the head with this job was location, since the very first interview.


::baby steps::

little things turn tragic so quick: is this for wanting some form of excitement in my life? nothing's happened as of late, but my dreams turn reality upside down & i wake up feeling horrible. or, it's my allergies. yesterday & today i just wish i could cry: my eyes hurt so much.

i'm not thinking much these days on the future. a little bit at a time, everyday. this new job is a big step for me. there are pieces of my past that i still stumble over now and again (here i go getting vague again)... i like to rub salt on my wounds, is that it? i must stop torturing myself! school is like an ominous forboding giant waiting for me to try and get past perpetual junior college life. it's cheap, but will i ever move up in the world? i must sound so unhappy about the whole thing, but i'm not. it's just the way things are going to have to be for me. two years spent trying to be a musician when i finally realized that i want to be a teacher. kudos to teri for taking on the junior highers. i'll stick with the little kids! (elementary)

only 4 days left (!!!) at the bank & thankfully i haven't had too many major obstacles preventing me from doing my work and wrapping up unfinished business. the new place suits me nicely, even if it is "glorified secretarial work" as i call it. hey, when one doesn't know what one's official job title is, one must improvise.

BY THE WAY...a rant about my distance education videos: Political Science has turned out to be surprisingly interesting AND up-to-date. Whereas, Child Developement, on the other hand, appears to date back to the early 90's, sporting bad haircuts and one Amish-looking PhD with a comb-over. Nice beard, dude. Mental note: this is the complete opposite of what I expected.