december 2003 archive

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

::eve of new year's eve::

so tomorrow is the big finale. i go to work from 8:30 to 5:30, and then ring in the new year with my parents (along with josh!) for the first time in 6 years. we've come a long way, baby! let me tell you, i could actually get used to them dropping by for a few hours in the evening now & again. it's been a real treat to have them in town for the holidays. in 1997, they moved to oregon & i made a stab at life on my own in california, where i was born & raised. thank God for heather & james as i never would have survived. and josh. and his family. and my support system of girlfriends whom i have now known for 10+ years. what a crazy ride.

as i am about to hit 27 this year of 2004...what do i aim to do? ohmygosh, i am so not ready to answer that. new year's resolutions have not been my strong suit. i do aim to improve my writing skills, and to practice piano. i'm still teaching sunday school to preschoolers--definitely something i will stick to. going to the gym for the bettering of my health (i've been dealing with back pain from a couple of accidents i had about 6 years ago). and i will finally get tested for allergies the right way so that i am not tearing up every time i try to go shopping after work. i will finally read through the entire bible this year (i have never ever done this!). and that is where i will stop what i've started. my throat has been scratchy & it's time to take some vitamins & get my rest.


Monday, December 29, 2003

::back again, for the first time::

2004 is right around the corner & it is a year for starting over. there have been some major screw ups, and this year i don't feel as though i have given my personal best in life. it leaves me wanting for more. and. better. it's so hard, though. i am torn with the desire to be successful in life, but i also realize the brevity of mortal life on earth as i am coming to know it. i have had my butt kicked several times and i'll save all of you the painful details. suffice to say it's been a year of learning from mistakes and wishing i could mend my broken ties with those i never intended to sever. but, such is life & i'm supposing i should move on. torn by fear of legal action and a desire to right my wrongs, i will wait it out until i feel like the time is better. it is too soon.

some may already know the reason this website was down for so long, and it wasn't for a grand remodeling, let me tell you. again, it is a story way too long for this post and my dinner is quietly chilling as i attempt to bring furiousmuse.com up to speed. if anyone reads this who was hurt by my harsh rantings, let me tell you, this was never intended to get to you. and let me also say that what was written was in the midst of heated frustration & emotions that were running high. though i do stand by some feelings, most of what i ended up publishing was uneccessary, and the strongest of feelings subsided after i vented. there you have it. i have no idea what else i could possibly say to smooth things over.

can my dinner possibly get any colder?


november 2003 archive

Thursday, November 13, 2003


care of cost plus, josh & i are now the proud owners of 2 soho sofas, a coffee table & end table (see the upper right-hand corner of this). wow. i can't believe what it does for our house! woo hoo!!!

aside from this, life is relatively drama free. amazing, eh?

Sunday, November 02, 2003

::the old is new again::

well, back to work for the bank as of this past thursday. leaving the company on wednesday was a teary-eyed occasion (for the people i will definitely be missing, as well as certain creative aspects of the job). while i've learned a bit from the various challenges i've faced, i'm pleasantly looking forward to some peace & quiet. perhaps in a job which does not demand so very much of my life, i will actually begin living life, instead of living my job. for many years i have sought satisfaction out of the work that i do. i am only now realizing how temporary that is, and, how much i really just want to spend more time & energy on things that matter more: family, friends, music, home...various things that i believe God would have me focusing on more than my job.

ever since my trip to new zealand, i found that i really had burdened myself down with this previous job. i thought and worried about it on vacations when i should have been enjoying my surroundings. i admired the kiwis i met who seemed so laid back in their jobs. restaurant dining took at least 2 hours, compared to so-cal's hustle and bustle. it was more relaxed, and i've contemplated my priorities ever since. and i finally got the courage to do something about it. believe me, whether or not the people at my previous place of employment realize it, the decision to move on was emotionally challenging. i have invested more of me in that job than almost anything...with the exception of my stint at the original pancake house as an assistant manager. i have been involved and the people have been a family to me. i really do hope that we can all keep in touch. it has been hard to leave the project i started unfinished. i took an awful lot of pride in my contribution to the company. and, perhaps that was what made me so weak in the end? so ready to get on to something that wasn't as personal? it's hard to say. all of these are simply thoughts on paper, coming out as i contemplate them in real time.

life is good. God is good. i'm doing better than i deserve and i'm thankful for all that i have: husband, family, friends, home, and more.


october 2003 archive

Thursday, October 23, 2003

::fun at work::

many animals all together are:

a clowder of cats
an array of hedgehogs


Monday, October 20, 2003

::nowhere fast::

i'm swallowing a bitter pill right now. and it is unbelieveably painful. i'm still not sure what to thing of the person who dolled out this advice, unsolicitated, which has rocked my very foundation. i don't know if she realizes the affect it's having on me at this moment. how, in her desire to make me stronger, she has shaken me to the very core of who i am. this bird, so unreasonably sensitive, now tears up at nearly every thought. who's deep thinking & feeling cost her dearly today and she'll be paying for it in the months to come, unwillingly caught up in up in her little world of thought and losing track of the world around her. it was only a lunch hour!

i want to hate her, but i see the truth in her words and it scares me to pieces. what bothers me more is that it causes me to question why i am who i am and why i burden myself with all the bumps & bruises in life. how the little things can just bowl me over & leave me swimming in confusion, sadness, and disappointment. when will i see that it's not as bad as i deserve? where's my sense of appreciation???

Thursday, October 16, 2003

::9 more days::

yesterday was my parent's wedding anniversary

yesterday i got the call

yesterday i gave my 2 weeks here at the Company

yesterday i had lunch with jackie as we both coincidently ran into each
other at borders

yesterday i cut & coloured my hair (yes, mom, it's red again)

yesterday i had my eyebrows waxed for the first time (they are mostly
still there...)

yesterday i visited kim, fka "roomie"

yesterday i had incredible sushi at taka-o in san clemente: halibut!

yesterday josh got the new david bowie from apple.com

yesterday i breathed a sigh of relief, jumped for joy, and thanked God
for his awesome and swift provision of another job

Saturday, October 11, 2003

::saturday funnies::

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

::i'm in::

it's just a matter of time, hopefully days, before the official offer is
on the table. i got a call today from the bank AND the credit union within minutes of
each other. the latter is offering me a starting position, and i can't
afford to regress to that salary....

no turning back

||~~so excited~~||

Sunday, October 05, 2003

::music that's not as enjoyable to listen to::

...that would be the music that eminates from my car stereo. i am listening to music as i type away on the computer and it actually sounds GOOD> what a concept. for someone who loves to drive around and listen to awesome music this is a nightmare. i will be bringing my car in next week some time. they couldn't find anything about gain settings, and i don't know what to tell them. i'm not an expert on car stereos. i just know mine sounds like junk.

started to write today. didn't get much, but i'm satisfied with the start i've made:
i return home, turn on the computer, and relax in its pacifying hum. it is soothing and relaxing, like a lullaby. the computer has become a friend, of sorts. when i am hurt, it listens to my complaints, quietly taking the abuse i lay forth on the keys, it becomes the innocent bystander. taking it all in stride, it waits for me to procure poetry or prose, if i am willing to venture forth in that medium.

anne inspires me, though i only know her through her blog. on the other side of these united states, her writing projects an amazing and beautiful picture of an individual who is living life and writes her days in gorgeous, heartfelt prose. she is an artist, intriguing, suffering her days on this side of heaven with enormous wit and insight. her writing inspires me to write more, but i have yet to make such profound observations of life in this blog. certainly not with the consistency she does. go, anne!

again, leaving work puts me more & more at ease these days. i am praying for a swift transition as i believe that God has something else in store for me and i am not long for the Company. my work at the Company is coming to a close and it will be for the better of my health, my marriage, my life. it's as plain as that. i will not cry for the Company, as it will not cry for my loss. but it will continue to up the workload on the friends i leave behind. and i feel everyone is a friend. the thought of leaving (accompanied by the song that just started playing--my immortal by evanescence) starts my eyes watering. sandra tells me to take care of me, what a selfless statement! but i feel for those i abandon to BBL. i don't claim i can do the job better, but i do believe it can be done better than this. ... just spent about 15 minutes reading last year's posts from around this time, and i have to tell you, i am at a loss for words. i was on the run here as well and it took me 2 months to find a job. if only if only...i have to stop worrying. i have to just work with what i've got. i'm actually one of the lucky ones, considering the bank experience i have to fall back on.

Saturday, October 04, 2003

::saturday funnies::

thank you, sara!

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

42. You never really learn to get angry until you learn to drive.

43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

::so it begins::

such is the circle of life. once again i find myself looking forward to changes which, really, promise nothing. monday was a very milton day. and that was it. it was the last straw. one time too many of asking me to move my desk's contents to another location. it is reminiscent of the first year i lived on my own. i moved 7 times and lived with 5 different people. it was disruptive to my life & left me constantly on edge. i was frustrated by the bad arrangement i kept ending up in and it was so hard to try to just get by. i had no foundation, no rock to cling to. no place to lay my head and think, "ah, this is it! now i can relax..." since starting with this company, i have been moved 1,2,3,4,5,6...SIX?!?! times! now, in all of this, we as a company have moved twice. can someone explain this to me?

the bank and the credit union saw my pretty little face today and we'll let them fight over me and see who wins. at least i hope they'll fight over me. maybe just a little??? for the most part i'm really praying for a swift resolution of this so that i can relax. the anticipation alone has put me more at ease, and i know that the close of all the stress, all the blood, sweat, and many many tears, will soon be over. i'm not going to get paid enough in this slump we're experiencing to put up with this much pressure. i enjoy what i do, i enjoy the people i work with, but this, i'm seeing, may not be something i am cut out for. or, maybe this is a better way of putting it, i'm not meant to endure the moody, uncensored decision making that goes on in BBL's mind. again, please, it's not that i could never learn how to get along with BBL or even that i so dislike her as a person, rather, i just don't have the temperment to roll with it quite as easily as some other people do.

i wonder...am i chickening out?

you tell me....


september 2003 archive

Thursday, September 25, 2003

::company funnies::

Just wanted to give you a quick update regarding the ASP email

Apparently a small group of gnomes has set up camp inside the web
server and have grown increasingly hostile over the past few days.
They've murdered the hamster that was already inside the server and
have taken his wheel and converted it to a shrine for Papa Smurf, thus
rendering the server without a source of power. Initial reports show
gruesome photos of the hamster being roasted over the CPU fan.

A specialized covert team will be sent in later today to neutralize
the threat of the gnomes, and negotiate re-location to another

I'll let you know when I have more information.


Wednesday, September 24, 2003

::put a muzzle on 'im::

poor monty. they have to put a muzzle on him @ the vet's office. he received an injection of depo on saturday and his asthma has calmed down completely-- what a relief! gosh, i love my cats!

this weekend was busy. celebrated my sister's birthday (actually it was on monday) and she stayed at our house saturday night. sunday we hit the teppan room @ new shogun in mission viejo. very yummy, even though our chef was quiet as a mouse the entire time he deftly prepared the meal.

in the past week, 2 people have been laid off from The Company and i'm finding myself very grateful to be receiving my paycheck. very humbled, as well. if anybody else gets laid off, we will all suffer an exponential loss as those remaining are really at the heart of The Company. very smart, very able-bodied, very excellent. i wouldn't envy BBL needing to make such a decision.

lots of running around this week, but by God's grace i have been up & energized. it's what i pray for, to be able to meet the needs of my family & the expectations of others around me (in work relationships & my friendships). i still break down at times (well, once, yesterday: i made a mistake at work and just really chastized myself for the oversight) but i find coworkers wonderfully understanding and supportive. it's about time i got something good out of this 8+ hours a day thing!

lost the bids for garfield videos on ebay--willingly. maybe they'll come out with the dvd in a while. ...

Saturday, September 20, 2003

::saturday morning tv::

if my life were a tv show, it would be way more exciting than saturday morning tv. today i take my monty in to the vet because he's having yet another run in with his asthma. i don't envy the veterinarian that will be doing the examination as monty has warnings all over his chart. normally we see dr. mckee, but today it's dr. meinert. sheesh. i really don't envy her.

this morning i bid, via ebay, on 2 garfield cartoons of old: garfield on the town and here comes garfield. i'm vicariously reliving my youth through these movies. too bad they aren't on dvd! i am also reminded that i would like to purchase gay purr-ee featuring the voice of judy garland and the last unicorn which actually features angela lansbury and jeff bridges as some of the voices. and, who could forget, the incredible soundtrack by that band, america. ::whew::

Wednesday, September 17, 2003


last night
south west
fly home
neighbor writes
i glance
conspicuously read
he writes
closes eyes
trying to
see truth
secretly smile
hear hearts
beating beating
trying finding
meaning meaning
in this crazy, topsy-turvy, world

::stories i tell::

i am the same. i am still the sensitive little girl i have always been. and people can still make me cry with one look or one harsh word. such demeanor does not bode well for me in my present job. BBL (big boss lady)lashes out at any given moment without a second thought with Her Thick British Disposition and dim grasp of manners. i break under the pressure so easily that it's almost silly. i have been here nearly one year and given loads more responsibility than i ever intended to take at my unchanging pay scale and job description. i have been happy, frustrated, challenged, disappointed, increasing in knowledge, depressed, stretched, pulled in different directions, wearer of several hats, pushed to my breaking point, criticized, in love with my job, lacking in support, switched around, jumped on, twisted, squeezed, and hung out to dry. and i'm not sure if this means i'm ready to just walk away in desire of something that can make me happier and pay me a little more money. i think i have peaked here and i fear true growth (in position and compensation) lies somewhere outside of another year -- that i might not be willing to stick around for. i hate feeling drained at the end of the day. i want my energy, my earnestness, back. i don't want to fight anymore. i hate arguing. i hate feeling bad. i hate feeling bad because of a situation that i voluntarily subject myself to on a weekly basis. i despise the job that caused my TMJ to flare up, put me on nexium, and guilts me into thinking i can't accomplish anything in management because i am not thick skinned. i do not believe that. i do not believe God would make me a tender, sensitive soul in some desire to frustrate me to the point of tears, but i do think that He has done it so i might have the sense to recognize when i'm in a position that i ought not be in. this is the state i'm in.

i know the waterworks won't help any, but it relieves the tension that tends to build inside my heart. thanks mom & dad (:)


surely yesterday was the most frightening moment of my life and it left me exhausted as we bused it to haight for breakfast at the squat & gobble. i stepped on the street to cross & meet josh as soon as the green hand gave the signal and after waiting a beat and glancing to the right. a single stride landed me on the road in time for a car to zoom from my left. somehow my other leg was not extended to make the next stride toward my ultimate goal across the way. in my state of shock, all i could do is hold both hands over my mouth as i continued on my path across market in a daze.
in the immediate wake of such a close call, i found my eyes welling up with tears and my demeanor strangely calm. it seemed as though all the meanness & bitterness had just been vaccuumed from my body. it's a feeling i desire to cling to, as i realize how much of that creeps into my attitude toward life. it's sickening.

Friday, September 12, 2003

::the hours::

oh, the hours tick by painfully slow. i am coming down off the morning's adrenaline rush c/o starbucks, where earlier my grande single shot mocha had such blinding affects on my mood that my face wore a permanent & suspicious grin which annoyed all of my coworkers. One described it as "you look like you just got caught with your hand in the cookie jar!". well, i'm just really, really excited about our trip.

Thursday, September 11, 2003


preparations are not my strong suit. i sit here, anxiety-filled, typing this because i have just paid about 5 bills and i realize how much i hate bills. but knowing that everything is set to go into the mail on monday while i am kicking it with my josh in the City, well, that suits me just fine. i still have laundry to do, and a dawdled at old navy. i have much to write to adrienne so she can care for the cats and ohmygosh i think the garage door is still open and we forgot it was trash day (ew!). thankfully josh & i aren't very trashy people, even for white-folk, so we'll survive if we double-up once and again. ha ha. i made a funny!

::party's just begun::

sigh. dan and joanne leave this weekend and tonight is the last night we will be seeing them in california. next time, it will be part of a visit to las vegas. dan was one of josh's groomsmen at our wedding and has been a long-time musician-friend and friend-friend. joanne and i have been acquaintences through our husbands' friendship over the years, but never as close as i think i had hoped.
also, tonight is the last night to clean house/wash laundry/pack for san francisco. i am going to have such a difficult time working tomorrow!!! had a wacky dream last night. something about getting to our hotel and inquiring about an upgrade, only to learn that it was already handled and we found ourselves in a two-room suite! i know this is not possible, but obviously my heart is already on vacation. wheeeee!

Tuesday, September 09, 2003


kudos to blogger for posting this site on blogs of note. yesterday's picture immediately went on my desktop at work as i look forward to vacation. ummmm.... dreamy!

today i received my pottery barn chenille duvet c/o the winning bid on ebay. woo hoo! very excited. aside from the fact that it requires dry cleaning to rid it of the smoker's stench... well, it is beautiful and brand new & will look beautiful on our bed. it will require much keeping up with because of the cats (as i consider having them shaved...) but considering the price, i am quite happy with it.

late day at work because of mid-month funding. oh how we all get wacky as the day goes on: i love it! Fledgling Company rocks. as do all my coworkers.

time for a light snack before bedtime. gotta love chinese food... did i say light? rereading i see this is a rather pointless blog, however, some days don't accomplish as much as others... it's just time to RELAX.

shout out to "amers" though: Happy Birthday, Amy! can you believe we've know each other this long??? just goes to support yesterday's thoughts. i am so grateful for your friendship....

Monday, September 08, 2003

::it's been how long???::

yes, happily i am reunited with long time pal, adrienne. over tacos @ wahoo's, we catch up on her year in Europe (mostly london, england) and my first year of married life. what i can truly appreciate about all of this is how, despite my lack of contact while she was away, it feels as though we are picking up right where we left off, and that is just amazing. truly this is how friendship should be. everyone should be so lucky. and i am many times blessed as i still have a large handful of friends from high school who i call friends, even after all these years. :)

lucky me....

Saturday, September 06, 2003

:: here i go! ::

whew! what an incredibly eventful day. i wish it hadn't been! it's been a complete blur and not one bit of housework was done. is that all that matters? no....

i did 2 signings today, and wrestled with the Dealership in between. i love my car, don't get me wrong, but, well, i've been in doubt of their capabilities lately. today was a horrifying confirmation of my fears. waiting to pick up my car, i had a cordial conversation with the man behind the counter and shared my displeasure with one of the service reps there. he gave me some information on who to write to and i gave him a sample of what i have been through. much apologizing ensued and he told me that i could come to him whenever i needed anything. wonderful! then i waited outside for my car.

and, waited. finally the Nice Gentleman comes outside and, noticing that i am patiently awaiting my vehicle, starts to put some fire under the pants of the service techs who are surprised to see me still waiting. they look at my ticket, ask for the color of my car (grey) and look, absently, for my car.

finally, 2 cars come out from the back consecutively. the second one is mine. yeah! my arms are full and it's 85o even in the shade, and i'm anxious to make my next appointment in time. the service tech parks. the car in front of him has pulled forward, passing the desired mark, and proceedes to back up. i watch in horror, hearing the driver of MYcar honking MYhorn in alarm. i hear a ::crunch:: and my heart sinks. the cd case and press kit for one of their newest cars drop from my hands. in slow-motion, i am at my car, and the other driver has already pulled away, sparing me from the awful sight of an indented bumper. shocked, i turn to the area where i have just come and Nice Gentleman has stepped from the air-conditioned building, alerted by the noise of MYhorn. "He hit my car!" is all i could say. He approaches to examine the damage.

it is minor. a scrape. but my heart sinks. this car is still my baby and brand new. flustered, i make my way to the bathroom. the Dealership is taking her to "the back" to try and clean her up. a girl who witnessed the whole thing comes into the bathroom to see how i am. she offers to get me chocolate. i tell her i am fine.

what a day!


august 2003 archive

Monday, August 04, 2003


sarah d____ gets here in a few short days and the scrambling to create the model home ensues! i wandered into cost plus today after work & proceeded to dream up the ultimate b&b; experience for her weekend stay and shortly after that reshelved the new bath rug and pint of lavendar lotion. i know that she will love me no matter how bare things are right now, and that i will love me so long as it is ridiculously clean. though i dream of IKEA furnishings and painted walls and window coverings, we will survive. so long as the house is clean. as in, i live with my mother clean. my mother taught me everything i need to know about clean. and, well, just don't invite her over for the inspection YET, cuz i'm not ready. that's how not-clean the house is now.

so, how clean IS THAT? as in, make sarah wonder if i still own two cats clean. as in, where did all the dust go clean. as in, let's eat dinner off the toilet clean. or perhaps that's going too far but it still should be THAT CLEAN. as in, will i ever get to sleep tonight clean.

or, if i don't get home soon, it's still going to be very dirty, clean.

i tire of this. and so must you. i will be unreachable for the next week, please send an owl if it's urgent. (yes, that was a harry potter reference. they're really entertaining books!!!)



july 2003 archive

:: 7.22.2003 ::

i killed 2 black widow spiders tonight in the garage. a careful & frightening battle involving a broom and a shovel. that'll be 3 in one month. all i wanted was the bubble wrap and an empty box....

yeah, me!
:: 7.21.2003 ::
::can you still feel?::
...the name of the jason falkner album i am listening to. feeling goofy. lunch was serious. i had some seriously delicious chicken tortilla soup @ corner bakery with josh. i shall be returning to work shortly. it is SO humid outside. it actually reminds me of the weather in sydney, australia, when josh & i deplaned our 13 hour honeymoon flight. that is the only trip i have made without my feet swelling up & i will never take off my shoes again!!!

radiohead at the hollywood bowl is, sadly, sold out. i'm sure it did so in the blink of an eye. the new album, hail to the thief, is awesome. they are by far the most innovative rock band out there these days and i believe they are doing a great deal (whether or not they know it) to shape the modern story of music history/theory. brilliant.

urrr... get back to work!
:: 7.20.2003 ::
::funding contentment::

ha ha. commonly feeling uncreative with my titles for the various blogging entries. no, i won't go into how much it's going to cost to be content here, but after the last post, I figure we all had it coming to us. besides, other things fund my contentment these days than money and i am thankful for that. josh, friends, family, music, movies, lounging around the house (especially since josh cleaned it on friday. ohmygosh it's AMAZING. and i haven't been able to tackle anything at all this week). that sums up most of my activities in a non-stop week. josh's parents are off to england for 2 weeks and we spent time with them. then attended a phil keaggy concert at saddleback church with josh's aunt & uncle. as i sit here on a sunny sunday morning collecting my thoughts, i am amazed at how quickly time passes & how precious every second is. ok, i'll admit i barely have a grasp on this, but i wish i could slow things down and that's enough, isn't it?

i also just noticed how i didn't list God in the list from above and i can so totally see why contentment has been so difficult to achieve. it really has to start here. appreciating all that we've been blessed with (and the list is infinite). yet again the locale i reside in is not conducive with "not wanting more" and i feel invariably like veruca salt: "i want an oompaloompa NOW, daddy!" suffice to say that a trip to ikea is highly desirable at this point in time as everything else seems so ghastly overpriced on furniture row. (that thought came from the far-reaches of my consciousness, forgive me!)

:: 7.6.2003 ::
::finding contentment::

i know i don't write often enough on my blog. it reflects on how rarely i write to my family & friends. in an effort to better myself, i am trying to balance out all the responsibilities that weigh heavily on my brain lately. as i know the wear & tear of my job will continue to get worse before it gets better, i am also in a state of evaluation. all of this to be summed up in the query "What next?" while i realize that modern culture doesn't teach us much about contentment, i find it is something i am building towards and i'm also not quite sure how to do it....

work is not the be all and end all of my life: particularly the position i am currently holding. it is a means to an ends, it helps pay the bills, it offers... {thinking} ... a sense of accomplishment? i'm not quite sure. i know that i heartily enjoy the group that i work with: a hard-working class act of women & men who are all at times underpaid and overworked. such is life when you are employed at a new company. these are growing pains that we are experiencing and that's fine & i'm not against that entirely. but i may be against it for me. the stress that builds up at the end of the month this last time left me in tears as i battled against a cold, nearly lost my voice, and spent my days hanging by a thread of tylenol and sudafed. didn't i come here because i needed a break? wasn't it supposed to be less stressful? (as my parents so aptly reminded me recently) well, yes! absolutely! and it was a relatively easy job until we started to take off. and now there's more work than i can shake a stick at (i'll have you know stick shaking accomplishes very little at my desk these days). so where does this leave me??? oh yes, my quest for contentment, of course....

so i'm still working out that plan. i've been stewing on it for quite some time now. i debate about returning to school but i really think if i were being honest with myself that i simply want to shove my workload onto someone else. my partner in crime is soon to be promoted to another position and i'm not sure how i'm going to cope with that. my position and workload is difficult enough without the dread of training another individual and then there's that OTHER work that i've been shifting around in piles & hiding in various drawers that constantly nags at me. but honestly, the reason it's there is because i'm contantly getting pulled from my work to do other work and really it's not entirely my fault that it's like that. i really feel like i'm giving as much as i can most of the time. and, when i'm not, it's because i just don't know where to start with all of it.

so there's my rant. and now that i've got that off my chest, i'm going to throw a load of laundry in the wash & get ready for bed. and maybe, in some parallel universe, we'll all get a raise & andrew won't feel like going to that position in the IT department. oh! and all the work that i've needed to play catch-up on will take care of itself. yeah. i can dream, can't i???


june 2003 archive

Saturday, June 21, 2003

::it's coming::

the plan, that is. slowly forming in the back of my mind over the past week. in theory, now, it is getting perfected & reworked. and since i'm feeling somewhat guilty for not spoiling my parents with the news first, i will wait to post my well-intentioned thoughts. till then....

after a day of r & r (IS it summer? it's dreadfully overcast here in so-cal) josh & i are off to the gypsy den to meet friends and hear good music c/o sas. ::sigh:: it's off to drive the jetta (i was thinking previa--is that crazy? it's horrible to be so nostaligic over an old car, isn't it?) up to costa mesa.

harry potter book 5 is out: woo hoo! i've read 1-4 in the past 8 weeks and i'm biding my time for this one.... lord of the rings was on hold, but i've picked it up again. ummm. love those books!


Sunday, June 15, 2003

::words of wisdom?::

the wall by the booth we sat in today at wahoo's provided some much appreciated wisdom which i think is all too quickly forgotten these days. it is 8:30 and happily, i sit in front of my computer in my pj's and write while listening to Josh Rouse. oh! my point: the wall said "Yesterday is the past, Tomorrow is the future, Today is a gift, that is why it is the Present". of course, the wall also said "I love Kellie", but that isn't my point--i don't spend my days seeking wise words inscribed on the surfaces right in front of me. normally, however, i spend a great deal of time mulling over various thoughts in my head and i wait to be inspired by something. or i listen to music and hope for some miraculous insight into my life and where i might be going. i am 26 and it has been ages since high school. i have more than i need, but not all that i want. spoiled brat of the orange curtain, aka orange county, i know far less about what it means to be alive and kicking than the man i saw on the street in santa ana who was walking back to his corner with his cardboard sign. dressed unusually hot for the weather, in my opinion, i wonder if the homeless even notice the temperature in the air. i see this on my lunch break as i go to the post office in my brand new car which i park far away from the other 4 cars in the parking lot. according to the map which i printed off the internet before i left to take my break and run much needed errands, i am only 4 miles from my office in sunny, sophisticated, high-tech irvine. the second dawning of the silicon valley, if you will. and my mind races with where i need to go next and i focus intensely on my immediate needs and the man is forgotten.

today is "un cadeau" but do i treat it so? i wake up at 8. josh is already getting dressed. we meet his folks for a father's day breakfast and there is mild fretting as things do not arrive in a timely manner. the server, young, smiles and offers her best. but i think she could do better. so does everyone else. later, up at his parents house, cards & presents are opened and i fall asleep on the overstuffed leather chair for at least 2 hours. i wake up as josh rubs my back and then find myself anxious to leave and to "do something" as more than half the day has passed. i don't feel too guilty, though, as i am not the only one who passed out in the family room on the overstuffed furniture. and, glazing over the phone call to my dad around 4pm, snacks at wahoo's, and an hour in the music department at barnes & noble listening to the new radiohead and annie lennox albums, i find myself here. we have watched monty python's quest for the holy grail. and, currently, i am feeling moderately guilty as josh can be heard cleaning the kitchen as i type away. i will share this with him later and there will be compliments, which is nice. i aim to be creative with my words and for my thoughts to be expressed clearly and he has yet to criticize even my most tedious compositions. how awesome is that??? still, in the end, in the grand scheme of things, not a whole lot of anything has been accomplished. i don't feel BAD, but i don't feel particularly GOOD either. what is it with this unearthly feeling that i should be doing something else? and, what is it?

i think it is time to formulate a plan.


may 2003 archive



:: speechless:: last night i became the owner of a brand new, platinum grey volkswagen jetta 1.8 turbo. holy guacamole, batman! cheers to my friends patricia and will who went cruisin' with me last night up pch. i feel like i'm stuck in a dream, it is so unreal.

and, as michelle casually reminded me before i left work in a flurry of excitement, it is JUST A CAR.

ah, but, it is mine. my first. my precious.... :D did have one close encounter on the lot where i thought i was going to have to lick the handle. however, disaster was averted and the couple kept walking. i haven't figured out the strangest part of the experience, but i think what comes close is the end of the night, after nearly being there for four hours, and we are ready to go home. we walk outside into the chill night air, and the previa (my former car) is to the left of me, freshly washed and sparkling. the jetta, however, is directly in front of me, like a knight in shining armour. it is sleek and jaw-dropping beauty. and then there was much screaming and jumping for joy....



::use yer words!::

sitting at work, eating my soup, here on my lunch break. WOW. been a little sick lately and was so tired waiting in line @ big newport for matrix: reloaded. man, there are some real nut jobs who show up at those things. i mean, i love the movie, don't get me wrong, however i would not put a mop on my head and pasty white makeup on my face so that i could attend the show. it's fun to watch crazy people....

through my horrible head cold, i was able to witness the beauty of the second matrix movie. i still have the cold, so my writing is lacking profundity. This aside, all i can say is go see it for yourself. wow. will see it again when i'm feeling better.

on the other end of the spectrum, we are about to purchase our first vehicle. wheeeeeeeeee! more details later....or actually here you are:
2003 volkswagen jetta gls
platinum grey

wheeeeeeeeeee! (how soon before i take after mom in her younger days & start getting speeding tickets? place yer bets, gentlemen...)


::rabbit hole, reloaded::

umm, bought tickets to matrix: reloaded today. i'm going with a group from work to see the 10pm showing on the 14th at big newport by fashion island. this is what i've been waiting for!!! counting down the hours....!


::it's in the past, baby::

some strange turnings in my soul lead me to open up my high school yearbook today. i think i have pastor mike to blame :) all that talk about high school reunions.... it's extremely strange to think of the me that was back then compared to the me that is now. as much as i'd like to say it's better (and in many ways, yes, it is better) it's mostly just a different thing all together. all those feelings of angst and frustration as a teenager just change to fit the current conditions. now my world includes my OWN housework (when i do it, i just want to stay home all the time because i love this house so much!) and a mortgage and two cats and a husband and many bills to pay and appliances that break down and new desires to travel to distance lands --or las vegas, if my parents are willing to meet me ;) and what else? so much more. cars to fix and gas to fill the tank, registration stickers and rules and oh the trials of the heart as there is so much out there to WANT. i test drove a jetta for a day about a month ago: josh rented one for me. and i drove stick shift on our friend's new beetle and wow, i'm thinking, i could SO do this! the non-impulsive, money-conscious part of me balks completely at the idea as i would be paying more for the car than it is worth because of the cost of interest on a 5-year car loan. i know i could live with that, but do i really want to? i fight it every day. every day that jetta creeps a bit more under my skin (it has been for three years, since the body style changed). every day i resist it's another victory. and how silly does this all sound? i laugh at myself. oh, and there are still groceries to be bought and the house won't clean itself. and here i am just typing away all of these thoughts to whomever will aim to read them. humph.

i strive to be thoughtful in all my considerations. i enjoy writing. i like to make other people happy, and other times i'm too selfish to remember all of them. my friends. my family. even my faith. i know there's no way for me to make God happy: He doesn't need cheering up like you & me. i still try to follow along the path which has been so laid out for me in the Bible. it is so hard to do it when you aren't paying attention. it takes effort, thought, will, humility, and so much commitment. i don't suspect that i am the only one in this world to struggle with her faith. to balk at the challenges it throws my way. but i've felt so weak lately and it's been ages since i've felt so unseated as i do now. i'd like to place blame on anyone else but myself for the recent difficulty, but, shaking this head of mine at the computer screen, i know that's the wrong solution. (it's not a solution at all) so all i've got to cling to, and it really feels like just a single thread, is the fact that God has never left my side in all of this and that there is forgiveness knocking at my soul. every day is a new day and another chance i have been blessed with, in this life, to make a start. to concede and follow Him. it's a commitment not unlike marriage in that respect. because the light-hearted butterflies swimming in my stomach the first months/years of knowing josh aren't the same today. the butterflies are still there, but they are more like penguins. i mean that in the sense that they aren't going to fly away anywhere. they are grounded, steadfast, on solid ground. and my faith in God, though not as "exciting" as the first throes of love, all ripe and boiling over with enthusiasm, is still a constant thing for me. i know this because i feel the distance tearing at me when i spend time apart from God, while i'm busy seeking my own desires and trying to make things work on my own. and it's amazing to me how a simple conversation gets me thinking, or simply praying out loud with josh starts the journey back to the core of me. the core of us, too. because we're human, we need grace, God's grace, for each other. after all, i am not perfect and neither is josh! (big gasps of surprise....)


::may i?::

so i'm stuck. on myself. and it's been a challenge to try to relate outside of my own skin lately. i think the extreme pressure i've been feeling at work really wears on me. and i've neglected a lot of things around me. the house got a long overdue cleaning because we have company (josh's cousin ron). even at that, it's only HALF clean. am promising myself that the other half deserves as much love. (it's jealous of the parts i scrubbed and cleaned) the thermostat went out this week and we have no heat. i know, it's may in southern california, what's wrong with me? well, it rained last night. i usually keep it at 68 degrees during waking hours and 65 while we're asleep. strangely, i'm deciding i don't miss it, and i'm really in no rush to have it fixed. i haven't shared this much with josh, but he's standing over my shoulder at the moment and i think he's about to find out. he's rubbing my shoulders and there's talk of sushi in the air, so i don't think i've much longer to type. my thoughts are coming much slower than my fingers today, but i blame the weekend and a late night viewing of x-men 2. which reminds me, i'm going to the midnight showing of matrix: reloaded on the 15th and am sooo excited. it's not often i act like i'm in college again, but these once in a while late nights are healthy for my youth, i think. ::sigh:: well, i should go as not to be rude. was so excited to be writing to you all again after a long overdue absence. will try, as always, to write more than i do. hope all is well with everyone. :)


april 2003 archive

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

::part deux::

i got lucky! after work, josh & i went to boomers! (formerly palace park) to hit the batting cages & air hockey. i suck at hitting balls, and when i did make contact, my metal bat trembled so strongely my hands became numb. air hockey was wonderful: josh won both games. the second game was technically unfinished because the machine shut off when we were tied 5 to 5. i'd like to accuse josh of cheating, since i helped him score more than once, but i believe he just does better at it than me. our normal game, house of the dead 2 only had one gun, and someone was playing house of the dead 3, so that's what led to the air hockey match. let me tell you, dinner @ wahoo's and less than $10 @ the fun park: i AM a cheap date! proud of it, too. ;)

::it's not half bad::

occasionally work days get extra silly and jokes fly about like spit-wads in a junior high classroom (i'll ask teri about this, but it's a theory i hold and it looks good on paper). today was not such a day. (Ha! caught you off guard did i?) i am feeling exhausted and i am left feeling drained and lethargic. my eyelids are dry, i'm congested, and it's been a day of getting nothing done. i can't figure it out. i worked, i know i did. i answered emails, and phone calls, and shipped out packages.... all i want to do now is curl up with a good book & and a hot chai @ gypsy den and just chill. it's all about the comfort food right now.

on the other hand, i could get lucky. ;)

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

::the beatles::

making a mix for my co-worker of different beatles albums and am totally convinced that abbey road and revolver are my top favorites. i get stuck on "she came in through the bathroom window" and "i'm only sleeping". plus, i'm a sucker for "eleanor rigby". i blame my piano teacher, linda mazich (govel now) for that: there was a time she just started playing it and she was so animated...it was a perfect moment. i'll never forget it. i wish someone would make music like this today, but jason faulkner and jon brion will come close, so obviously inspired. the most innovative out there today, doing their part to change the face of rock-n-roll? radiohead has my vote. locals i admire include peoplemover and, as of yesterday, bullets of orange. (links would be helpful. i promise you some in the future).

Sunday, April 20, 2003

::a sorta fairytale::

album of the month for me would have to be scarlet's walk by tori amos. simply breath-taking beauty. i bought a book of sheet music in an effort to play like her and i'm nowhere near as talented. at least, not at sight-reading. i'm trying to get back into music more & more and as it goes, i am getting better. the piano still needs tuning, though it sounds remarkably in tune for as far as it has traveled. i have a tendency to play what i know or try making things up on my own rather than to practice. a habit josh promises to break as he insists i am much more talented then i let on. i will agree with him on that: i am playing beneath my abilities these days.

still trying desperately to figure out the balancing act of my life: how to juggle josh, housework, hanging with friends, going to the gym, OH! and work (ha ha ha) into one plausible lifestyle. perhaps i am trying to do too much, but something tells me it's not impossible. of course there is more to my existence than those five activities mentioned above: #4 certainly hasn't happened much at all since i've returned from vacation in february. my friend erin promises to whip me into shape now that she is back from her road trip and i am certainly dreading & looking forward to it all at once. it's for my own good! at any rate, timing has been something that i have been challenged with, not to mention my inability to keep in touch with friends and family. i mean, all this time that i have been away from my blog, i hadn't called my parents once! this is remedied, i assure you, but i just wish i could get a bit more caught up with things. it's a process, and, i'm learning.

things are so different being married. i mean this in the sense that there is more to consider in making plans and determining how the day goes. do we carpool to work or take two separate cars? starbucks or no starbucks? who gets to keep the car? feed the cats, empty the cat box. eat. gym or no gym? (no gym...) what movie do you want to see? do you want to rent one instead? ok, these are all very trite things, but those are the sort of things that fly around our household these days and i'm telling you, every day is a new day with new decisions. some of the most excitement in our lives has come from the following:

"would you feed the cats?" (me)
"ok." (josh)
"oh MAN!" "Sheesh!" "Dangit!"
"What's wrong?"
"(sigh) Do you need my help?" (silent prayer. i HATE ants. i know i will help, but i still ask.)
"i'll be all right."
"ok" (a minute later, i rise from my comfortable hole in bed and put down my book. the ants are here by the hundreds: a black line tramps through the carpet and encircles the dishes of cat food) "i hate ants!!!"

such is our exciting life! this has happened twice in the past 2 weeks. i had a bad feeling when our first year in this house went by without incident. california is, apparently, built on an ant hill. i am so ordinary.... :)

::earth to earth::

early easter a.m. here. i'm ready for bed but feel that, deservedly, that my readers deserve an update. sadly, not much of one to give! josh & i have been extrememly busy with work and just life in general: taxes, bill paying, you know, the exciting stuff. (!) we've actually had quite a time of it getting together with friends & family (saturday was a busy one!) and at any rate, it's challenging at best to keep up with this at times.

my comments feature seems to have fallen off the face of the earth, but i guess that's ok since i only had one person ever write to me in it ;) (thank you, sarah!). can't say i'll be hunting down that feature again in the near future. it could happen though!

with that, i am exhausted and off to bed. Happy Easter everyone and God bless you!

Thursday, April 10, 2003

::deep into the rabbit hole::

it's a simply gorgeous day here in southern california. the kind that wants to be played in. i am at work. inside the cool air conditioned building, i sit at my computer, blinking and typing. work work work. gosh i just want to get out of here! but, not alone. i'd take one or two buddies with me. let us have a half day! i beg you! oh, wait, i think i forgot myself for a moment.

i pat my head several times throughout the day today. where is my hair? where did it go? in the shower this morning, i could hardly stand the feel of it as i tried to clean all the little clippings stuck on my strands of hair. it's WEIRD!

the time clock tells me i must get return to my regularly scheduled programming. (ohmygosh, english IS my second language!)

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

::the cat's miaow::

on the superficial level in my life, i finally got the pixie haircut i've been working up to all this time. "b" cut & cut until it turned out just right. we shared travel tales (she just returned from italy) and joked about the steak that was thawing in her kitchen. it's been there for 36 hours. on the counter. no air conditioning. she's worried about the stench?! i suppose i'd be a better friend to her if i offered to go home with her and make sure it wasn't moving....but i didn't!

the throat is feeling much much better. i don't know yet whether the zyrtec is the source of all my troubles, but i will wait to find out: stuffed nose & itchy watery eyes and all.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003


everyday i wake up
i try to swallow a glass of water
i feel like someone has vacuumed all the moisture
out of my throat
and caressed it

i am still clueless as to what is causing this, so i am quitting all the zyrtec (which promises sore throats as a nasty side affect) and will wait and see if my self-doctoring pays off. i still take ibuprofen once a day to stave off the daily aches, but come on now: the fever is gone! i'm not sick! (insert monty python voiceover here) i'm getting better!

on a somber note, both sarah's husband, bill, and josh's cousin, gary, were shipped out last week. it's hard to know what to say or feel. this is a new & unnerving experience for me, among many others. we are praying for your safe return, men!

Saturday, April 05, 2003

::road to recovery::

mom's home remedies (gargling with salt water!) still work: even webmd endorses them! josh is down for the count too. such impeccable timing for the weekend!

Friday, April 04, 2003

::bored to tears::

home sick today with horrible sore throat (is that thingy that dangles at the back of my throat normally that read & swollen???) and feverish chills. this sucks! not enough energy to tackle housework or laundry, more than enough for lying in bed all day...i think. so, here it is, my top five things to do when you're sick:

1. read
(perhaps i'll make it through fellowship of the ring in the LOTR trilogy)

2. watch a movie
(close encounters has #1 priority here: i've never seen it!)

3. drink
(juice, water, soup, anything. josh bought this soy juice beverage yesterday which is a scary shade of pink, but quite delicious. he describes it as drinking strawberry oatmeal. i had to let that thought sit for almost 10 minutes before i could bring myself to take a sip!)

4. surf the net
(quietly, the internet takes me all sorts of places beyond my sickly world of nonproductive behavior. i am finding i am too tired to type though. will try to squeeze in an email here & there)

5. sleep
(ah yes, random naps every few hours as i collapse from exhaustion)

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

::ode to chips::

have'a corn chips are delicious. by themselves. with salsa. especially the fresh salsa that the business-to-business food service "lori's kitchen" brings to The Company. umm. yummy.

just finished work here obviously and as you can tell, the brain cells are kind of colliding with each other to for a rather mushy gray matter . and me, i am wishing i could write something abundantly more creative! give a girl a break, will ya?! i try....