may 2003 archive



:: speechless:: last night i became the owner of a brand new, platinum grey volkswagen jetta 1.8 turbo. holy guacamole, batman! cheers to my friends patricia and will who went cruisin' with me last night up pch. i feel like i'm stuck in a dream, it is so unreal.

and, as michelle casually reminded me before i left work in a flurry of excitement, it is JUST A CAR.

ah, but, it is mine. my first. my precious.... :D did have one close encounter on the lot where i thought i was going to have to lick the handle. however, disaster was averted and the couple kept walking. i haven't figured out the strangest part of the experience, but i think what comes close is the end of the night, after nearly being there for four hours, and we are ready to go home. we walk outside into the chill night air, and the previa (my former car) is to the left of me, freshly washed and sparkling. the jetta, however, is directly in front of me, like a knight in shining armour. it is sleek and jaw-dropping beauty. and then there was much screaming and jumping for joy....



::use yer words!::

sitting at work, eating my soup, here on my lunch break. WOW. been a little sick lately and was so tired waiting in line @ big newport for matrix: reloaded. man, there are some real nut jobs who show up at those things. i mean, i love the movie, don't get me wrong, however i would not put a mop on my head and pasty white makeup on my face so that i could attend the show. it's fun to watch crazy people....

through my horrible head cold, i was able to witness the beauty of the second matrix movie. i still have the cold, so my writing is lacking profundity. This aside, all i can say is go see it for yourself. wow. will see it again when i'm feeling better.

on the other end of the spectrum, we are about to purchase our first vehicle. wheeeeeeeeee! more details later....or actually here you are:
2003 volkswagen jetta gls
platinum grey

wheeeeeeeeeee! (how soon before i take after mom in her younger days & start getting speeding tickets? place yer bets, gentlemen...)


::rabbit hole, reloaded::

umm, bought tickets to matrix: reloaded today. i'm going with a group from work to see the 10pm showing on the 14th at big newport by fashion island. this is what i've been waiting for!!! counting down the hours....!


::it's in the past, baby::

some strange turnings in my soul lead me to open up my high school yearbook today. i think i have pastor mike to blame :) all that talk about high school reunions.... it's extremely strange to think of the me that was back then compared to the me that is now. as much as i'd like to say it's better (and in many ways, yes, it is better) it's mostly just a different thing all together. all those feelings of angst and frustration as a teenager just change to fit the current conditions. now my world includes my OWN housework (when i do it, i just want to stay home all the time because i love this house so much!) and a mortgage and two cats and a husband and many bills to pay and appliances that break down and new desires to travel to distance lands --or las vegas, if my parents are willing to meet me ;) and what else? so much more. cars to fix and gas to fill the tank, registration stickers and rules and oh the trials of the heart as there is so much out there to WANT. i test drove a jetta for a day about a month ago: josh rented one for me. and i drove stick shift on our friend's new beetle and wow, i'm thinking, i could SO do this! the non-impulsive, money-conscious part of me balks completely at the idea as i would be paying more for the car than it is worth because of the cost of interest on a 5-year car loan. i know i could live with that, but do i really want to? i fight it every day. every day that jetta creeps a bit more under my skin (it has been for three years, since the body style changed). every day i resist it's another victory. and how silly does this all sound? i laugh at myself. oh, and there are still groceries to be bought and the house won't clean itself. and here i am just typing away all of these thoughts to whomever will aim to read them. humph.

i strive to be thoughtful in all my considerations. i enjoy writing. i like to make other people happy, and other times i'm too selfish to remember all of them. my friends. my family. even my faith. i know there's no way for me to make God happy: He doesn't need cheering up like you & me. i still try to follow along the path which has been so laid out for me in the Bible. it is so hard to do it when you aren't paying attention. it takes effort, thought, will, humility, and so much commitment. i don't suspect that i am the only one in this world to struggle with her faith. to balk at the challenges it throws my way. but i've felt so weak lately and it's been ages since i've felt so unseated as i do now. i'd like to place blame on anyone else but myself for the recent difficulty, but, shaking this head of mine at the computer screen, i know that's the wrong solution. (it's not a solution at all) so all i've got to cling to, and it really feels like just a single thread, is the fact that God has never left my side in all of this and that there is forgiveness knocking at my soul. every day is a new day and another chance i have been blessed with, in this life, to make a start. to concede and follow Him. it's a commitment not unlike marriage in that respect. because the light-hearted butterflies swimming in my stomach the first months/years of knowing josh aren't the same today. the butterflies are still there, but they are more like penguins. i mean that in the sense that they aren't going to fly away anywhere. they are grounded, steadfast, on solid ground. and my faith in God, though not as "exciting" as the first throes of love, all ripe and boiling over with enthusiasm, is still a constant thing for me. i know this because i feel the distance tearing at me when i spend time apart from God, while i'm busy seeking my own desires and trying to make things work on my own. and it's amazing to me how a simple conversation gets me thinking, or simply praying out loud with josh starts the journey back to the core of me. the core of us, too. because we're human, we need grace, God's grace, for each other. after all, i am not perfect and neither is josh! (big gasps of surprise....)


::may i?::

so i'm stuck. on myself. and it's been a challenge to try to relate outside of my own skin lately. i think the extreme pressure i've been feeling at work really wears on me. and i've neglected a lot of things around me. the house got a long overdue cleaning because we have company (josh's cousin ron). even at that, it's only HALF clean. am promising myself that the other half deserves as much love. (it's jealous of the parts i scrubbed and cleaned) the thermostat went out this week and we have no heat. i know, it's may in southern california, what's wrong with me? well, it rained last night. i usually keep it at 68 degrees during waking hours and 65 while we're asleep. strangely, i'm deciding i don't miss it, and i'm really in no rush to have it fixed. i haven't shared this much with josh, but he's standing over my shoulder at the moment and i think he's about to find out. he's rubbing my shoulders and there's talk of sushi in the air, so i don't think i've much longer to type. my thoughts are coming much slower than my fingers today, but i blame the weekend and a late night viewing of x-men 2. which reminds me, i'm going to the midnight showing of matrix: reloaded on the 15th and am sooo excited. it's not often i act like i'm in college again, but these once in a while late nights are healthy for my youth, i think. ::sigh:: well, i should go as not to be rude. was so excited to be writing to you all again after a long overdue absence. will try, as always, to write more than i do. hope all is well with everyone. :)

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