december 2002 archive


I see a dog upon the road
Running hard to catch a cat
My car is pulling to a halt
The truck behind me doesn’t know
Everything is in the balance
Of a moment I can’t control
And your sympathetic strings
Are like the stirrings in my soul

I could go at anytime
There's nothing safe about this life
I could go at anytime

Find the meaning of the act
Remember how it goes
Every time you take the water
And you swim against the flow
The world is all around us
The days are flying past
And fear is so contagious

But I’m not afraid to laugh
I could go at anytime
There’s nothing safe about this life
I could go at anytime

Anytime (come without warning)
Anytime (it could be so easy)
A walk in the park (or maybe when I’m sleeping)
Anytime (see the clouds come over)
Rain or shine (I make you so unhappy)
Lets make it right

I feel like I’m in love
With a stranger I’ll never know
Although you’re still a mystery
I’m so glad I’m not alone

I could go at anytime
There’s nothing safe about this life
Make it so easy to fly in the night
I could go at anytime
I could go at anytime

(neil finn, one all)


::more than this::

i woke up and the world outside was dark
all so quiet before the dawn
opened up the door and walked outside
the ground was cold

i walked until i couldn’t walk any more
to a place i’d never been
there was something stirring in the air
in front of me, i could see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i stand
feeling so connected
and i’m all there
right next to you

it started when i saw the ship go down
i saw them struggle in the sea
and suddenly the picture disappears
in front of me

now we’re busy making all our busy plans
on foundations built to last
but nothing fades as fast as the future
and nothing clings like the past, until we can see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something out there
more than this
it’s coming through
and more than this
i stand alone and so connected
and i’m all there
right next to you

oh then it’s alright
when with every day another bit falls away
oh bus its still alright, alright, alright
and like words together we can make some sense

much more than this
way beyond imagination
much more than this
beyond the stars
with my head so full
so full of fractured pictures
and i’m all there
right next to you
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i’m alone
feeling so connected
and i’m all there right next to you

more than this
more than this
more than this
more than this

(peter gabriel, up)

the melancholy i seek out is underwhelming. it will not overtake me. i have been sitting at this keyboard a long while this morning, making various decisions, and one of them is to be happy in the new year. it seems like so much of experiencing life is intertwined with little tragedies along the way, but i don't buy into the fact that that is what gets us along in our years here. i think we want to buy into it at times, but what is wrong with being satisfied with how things are? is it a generational thing to seek out the drama and the difficulty and grow them up into something bigger (better) than us? it seems like it is a trend, from my humble observations. i don't think this world is THAT horrible, as a matter of fact i think i am lucky to be where i'm at and especially in oc we should see how good (albeit sheltered) we have it (current tragedy aside). there is this idea that has been floating around in my head for a couple of days that questions decisions i've made and am i really happy and you know, it's a choice that we make. to have joy in our lives despite the pain around us.

i want to be a writer, a musician, a teacher, a thinker, a Christian, a lover, a friend, a seamstress, a poet, a lyricist, a film-score composer, a film aficionado; some of things are already a reality. some things have not been thought of yet. that's the great thing about life is that you have all these choices in font on you, and hopefully it doesn't overwhelm you so much that you shrink in front of it and run away.

happy new year!


just so you know it's not just flippant and cute for me to hate the government so much, here's one reason why:
well there was a protest in the area that you will never hear about on tv over an incident that you will also not likely hear about unless you get your news from a bbc source or impartial US source...

Currently a new rule requires that any non-US citizens from certain countries must register that they are here. Have you heard about this? I have, and couple people I know have, but most have not because it was never publically announced. Well in another set of mass round-ups by AshKKKroft, earlier this week 5 visiting people between the ages of 13 and 26 in So Cal were detained for 72 hours in a cell without a toilet or a water fountain. The 26 year old died...

But who cares right?

Anyhow, this is my new favorite INS policy as of late...

The INS has also said that it cannot provide information regarding a Pakistani citizen who died in its custody unless Human Rights Watch produces a document with the man's signature indicating his consent to the release of information. The man, Mohammed Butt, died on October 23 allegedly of unspecified heart problems.

hey, wasn't trying to make light of your opinions...i'm a bit apathetic (and sadly so) on the subject of current events. as much as i listen to the news, i still haven't really formed an opinion for myself on all the goings on. on the surface, things seem to be going well (if i look at my little square footage that i reside in here in OC). it seems like sept. 11 threw us into a spiral...go defend ourselves, remember those innocent people who perished. josh tries to talk with me about this stuff and i am just clueless. is it wrong? to be this ignorant? perhaps. my view is mostly emotional and less based on what's going on.

on what i heard this morning: i am not surprised at the tactics being used on those people being held on various suspicions (warranted or not) that hint at torture...but it definitely creeps me out. the idea that it is even closer to home than an island out in the Indian Sea, well, that creeps me out more.

so, some opinions here and there, but not enough to hold a really knowledgeable conversation on the subject. there are so many layers to what is going on. though i generally consider myself conservative, i don't even know what it means anymore. too many lines are blurred. for the most part, i think that we have it better here in the US than some countries...again, based loosely on perception & even less on fact. the star spangled banner still sends shivers down my spine, but where is that long lost glory the song speaks of?


::::those recent minutes::

just was looking for someone else's words to speak my mind and couldn't find anything.

spend too much time dreaming of better things and not enough time grounded in reality. be there. be here. be.



it's my josh who is reminding me of the true meaning of Christmas this year as i sure haven't felt it in the world around me. i've failed to recreate the decorated home of Christmas past (my childhood) as i simply don't have enough Christmasy "stuff" to go around--it took me less than an hour to unpack the boxes of goodies and deck the halls of my home. josh is satisfied, but not i. apparently my heart wasn't big enough to cover the pocket book on one occasion, and for that i am hugely disappointed & very grieved. better luck next time? or does this ex-banker need to balance the checkbook more often?

back to the meaning of Christmas. i have found it in my immediate family: josh, the kids: monty and mango, right here at home. the tree which is only partly decorated this year (mango is still very much a kitten at heart & doesn't know what to make of the new toy we've brought into the house) stands tall, lit by white lights which were meant for trimming houses (they have a white cord, not a green one). and i have found peace in this.

Merry Christmas!

::part deux::

what a nice time. truly. spent the afternoon and early evening with my sister & her husband's family. i deserve a medal for being able to put my nephew, jonathan, down for bedtime at the end of the night--that's something his mom can't even do! my handicap, however, is that he missed his nap & had been extremely worn out by all the visitors!

my mood is much improved over the recent 24hours, a most definite relief to my spirit. i did not need the undo burden of hurt feelings/anger hanging heavy on my heart. God is good. :-)


an exhausting day is nearly at a close. i don't know that i've achieved anything noteworthy, but i did finish shopping & assembling my gift to my parents. i listened to the maltese falcon as i butchered pictures, broke picture frames, and cursed at the cat for disturbing the peace. mango is so hyper tonight.


i love the sound my fingers make when i type extra fast. it sounds so efficient--as though tons and tons of work is being demolished before my very eyes. little packets of information being placed into their proper location within my computer. can it really be just ones and zeros?!

was truly inspired by the peter gabriel concert we attended on wednesday. i am also amazed at the vast differences in concert-going culture. it definitely varies depending on the venue one attends. let's just say that the staples center does not attract the introspective musician in large enough quantities to allow for a truly 100% attentive audience. mostly the beer drinking pot smoking wild drunken screaming join the bandwagon cause peter hasn't been on tour with a new album for a decade our favorite song isn't from the current album no respect for African natives playing tribal instruments sort of people. but i still had a great time.


i've never been the organized type to sit down & think out these blogs. normally i just write when i am inspired. i'm at work & i'm inspired.

i've never been able to travel as much as i like. josh & i love going to places & exploring them for the first time together. sydney was like that. someday we hope new york is like that too. we are famous for spur of the moment decisions, and if the pocketbook allowed, i think we would just go whenever we had the time. certainly more than we do now. there are some cool hotels around the world & i am looking forward to exploring all of them.

ok, well, the inspiration has left me & work is requiring my resources again. to this i will return. (i always feel the need to close with something....i must stop that!)


::this weekend::
can't bring myself to leave this place even though i could. josh is playing bass tonight with our worship team. the cats deserve to eat, but i know they aren't starving. the tv in this room allows me to listen to the service which i've already sat through once. i'm rethinking this whole site because i don't feel it's been much of a testimony to my beliefs. but, my conclusion at this is that every christian is a real person with problems just like anyone else out there. i hope you will see that too.


november 2002 archive

Saturday, November 30, 2002

::it's dark outside::

::it's dark outside::
josh & i are convinced that our neighbors are perfect. they have their Christmas lights up already. they planted their own grass and wired in additional sprinklers. "it wasn't that hard" they said. they have planted flowers and have a well groomed yard. ours, on the other hand...the only thing i'm growing in addition the the pre-installed generic landscaping are weeds and rocks. lots of 'em. and i'd rip out our little 3x5 plot of lawn that our generous neighbors mow every couple of weeks, but that would require a commitment to put something in its place. I'm not ready for that.

i am looking forward to the holidays though. this is my favorite time of year.

(feeling uncreative tonight, i will end on that thought, however, if you would like to be on my mailing list & be notified every time there is something new to read, fantastic or otherwise, please email me.)

Thursday, November 28, 2002

::note to self::

(disclaimer...what you are about to read may make absolutely no sense...)
start over, cut hair super short, color with obnoxious red dye, try to find hip clothes/makeup to go with hair. thusfar i am unsuccessful. i'm going through this stage right now where i'm not so sure of my next big thing in life. whatever it is, it's comforting to know certain things will not change as i do: josh, for instance, will still love me no matter what. this house will not uproot itself & we are not going to move anywhere in the foreseeable future. and my friends who are my friends will still love me...even if we don't talk as often as we used to. life is so much bigger than the myopic view i knew of just over 5 years ago. before i met my husband. it's amazing how that word sounds when you speak it out loud. i love it. josh is my life-long adventurer. my time after time fighter of crime. (i don't know what that means, but it sounds nice). to twist a quote from a movie, sometimes talking about life is like dancing about architecture. sometimes you just have to get into the middle of it and just be there. in real time. paying attention to everything going on around you...and participating in it. life is not a spectator sport, as they say.

josh & i are schlepping it on our own this thanksgiving. i kind of like it actually. he recently pointed out that i have this "customer service laugh" thing that i do, which is hilarious, really. i think it stems from nervousness, or wanting to be nice & not getting angry when i have a problem with something...i'm not sure. all i know is that i can't pretend to do it. also, i think it can only be done when i'm on the phone with someone. and i caught myself using this fake laughter with my very own sister in avoidance of a difficult question that was posed today: why aren't we spending today with a family member??? well, i don't know really, but i like it. today has been nice, and josh IS my family. so there. and the fake laughter has to stop. it's driving me nuts.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

::i have magic powers::

...is the title of the sam brown picture i have posted in my cubicle. sadly, it's in black & white. right now if i tried to print that from home, everything would be shades of pink: i am out of blue & yellow. i'll bet THAT would be interesting. one of these days i'll stop being so lazy.

i think i am recovered from whatever suddenly snuck up on me last week. i have been made inordinately aware of my heartbeat though. as a result, i startle myself at the least bit of inconsistency in rhythm.

on the more pensive side....
josh's sweet aunt is ill with cancer, which has progressed more rapidly than expected. there's nothing like the threat of death to wake you up to reality. we are all going to die. i am in no way making light of the current family goings-on; but this is where my thinking stems from. death is my least favorite subject. there were times i thought i didn't want to exist, but those were temporary instances in my late teens. maturity does wonders for perspective. as does a healthy dose of the Bible. i used to be afraid of death, too. in fact, some fears rear their ugly head time and again. why? because this is it. our one and only chance. make it a good one. and suddenly a college degree doesn't seem as important if you're doing something that makes you happy. i am happy now, i stinkin' love this job. however i think i still want to be a teacher. in some ways, i already am because of teaching sunday school. therefore, the balance is there & i don't feel so depressed about not pursuing my education. high school really can lie to you sometimes. i have done quite well in the work force with my instinctive self-motivation without a bachelor's. contentedness has settled in and i think i will stew on this for a while.

happy thanksgiving & God bless you.

Friday, November 22, 2002


nearing the end of a hectic work week. left early today because i felt ill. strangest thing: on the phone w/ a client & my heart starts pounding so heart I thought it would pop out of my chest.... the first thing that comes to mind is heart attack, but it was so brief that the fear of such a thing was swiftly erased. i've been tripping on it all this evening though. that'll teach me to remember to take my breaks....though i have never experienced anything like this before & have worked some pretty high pressure jobs (in my humble orange county opinion).

so, i'm left to ponder mortality & be thankful i am alive today--yes, it was THAT strange of an experience. i am exhausted. though i would like to write more, i think my fatigue is holding me back. nighty night~~~~(the following is by sam brown, cleverly entitled "i think your cat is drunk") very funny.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002


played with color tonight. fun with html. what a party! goodnight :-)

Saturday, November 16, 2002


ohMY! had the most wonderful massage last night from mary and i am ready for my weekend. Yeah! Also put up a link to another spa that is VERY reasonable in price & am told that they give the BEST massages there by a coworker who goes....a couple times a MONTH!!! lucky her, that's all i have to say. living in the lap of luxury. josh & i hit houston's afterwards and then i prompty fell asleep upon arriving home. i think i remembered to brush my teeth....

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

::stranger than fiction ii::

went to souplantation again. tonight someone was having a birthday party for their kids. at souplantation. did i mention it was a birthday party?

i choose to alternate between dessert & dinner. the last moments included apple cobbler and pepperocini. i'm NOT pregnant, i swear. i think justin was horribly disgusted by this though. josh & i eat pepperocini straight out of the jar. man, those are so good.

i'm full. time to incubate.

Friday, November 08, 2002

::the sounds of silence::

no music today @ work. oh how wonderful this is. i had started a set list to see if i could successfully log the songs they rotate every 7.75 hours, but i will happily abandon that to this....nothingness. happy friday!

creativity has been depressingly downsized in my world. i am left to ponder the meaning of life in my sleep and it never fails that i remember nothing in the morning except that i have just been rudely awoken by the sounds of bill handel and am radio. undoubtably i will hear the same thing i hear every morning, in odd, groundhog day fashion: the traffic report. traffic is so horrible. i love carpooling with josh, yet, oddly enough, i don't think i ever want to take the wheel in the morning ride to work.

so there you have it. i'm all out of vvvoomph. it's friday. time for a movie, dinner, and relaxation. cheers!


october 2002 archive


::catch phrases::
from the last three selections we've heard this morning come the following:

"no i don't have a gun"
"i've been down to the bottom of every bottle"
"c'mon baby make it hurt so good"

i don't have time for an intellectual commentary on the above, but there's something brewing here in my head.


::is this thing on?::
the music @ work is becoming increasingly torturous. i have lost count of how many times i have heard the following, as our preprogramed, made especially for the company, digital music is repeated every 8 hours:

"i can't think of a bad company to work for--this certainly isn't one!"

"you're listening to [company] radio. it's our way of saying thanks to the hard working men and women of [company]"

"you can leave your hat on"

"she'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain"

"round the outside, round the outside.... i say this looks like a job for me....."

"she's so high above me, she's so lovely"

"i've been down, i've been down ...to the bottom of every bottle."

i hear beatles, u2, paul mccartney...of course the good songs don't stand out as much as the bad ones do. i think this could easily drive anyone rapidly into a state abolute insanity.

i'm taking the semester off. i wimped out, what can i say. i think i'm nervous about school, as much as i want to do well, it's a pain in the butt. i feel like i skipped that part of life in a way. not saying, of course, that it is impossible to do, but in looking for a new job i became distracted. i have a new groove to adjust to here. and when i retake the same classes next semester i will be with it, educationally speaking. plus, hopefully i will find a nice soul w/ 2 vcrs who will help me tape the videos i have now...i'm not renting 2 semesters in a row here.

c'est tout!


::last words::

i looked back at my past for a brief moment, and, despite everything what's been on my mind lately, i am at peace. finally i can put those demons to rest. (an exaggeration, of course, but it's what i could muster for tonight)


::why should i cry for you::
under the artic fire
over the seas of silence
for all my days remaining
all colours bleed to red
sleep on the oceans bed
drifting in empty seas
for all my days remaining
why should i
why should i cry for you
dark angels follow me
over a godless sea
mountains of endless fog
for all my days remaining
what would be true

sometimes i see your face
stars seem to lose their place
why must i think of you
why must i
why should i
why would you want me to
what would it mean to say
i loved you in my fashion
what would be true
what should i
why should i ....cry for you.

(this song, among others, always touches me. sting's lyrics aren't always easy to decipher, so forgive my translation if i missed a word or two)

::souplantation is WONDERFUL::
discovered the wonderful combination which cannot be found ANY where else. at souplantation, they have a small syrup dispenser in their soda machine that drips out perfect drops of vanilla or cherry to be added to your beverage. today i had a caffeine free diet vanilla coke. that may no longer be "diet", but it was a darn fine plastic glass of soda. erin's h2o was jealous. perhaps i should have given THAT a squeeze from the magic syrup pump.
mild difficulty in operating the soda machine, too. there are no levers, no distinct signs instructing "push", no obvious buttons, not even an experienced diner to observe and immitate. 10 seconds longer than it should have taken, i have a full glass of magic soda and head back to my table. yeah! souplantation GOOD.


::some day sun day::
had a wonderful night on friday. josh & i ended up hanging with erin, george, and gina. what a blast.

among more serious issues.... i'm picking up & being brave, whatever that means.
my spirit is sore from the wear i've put on it. but today at church i saw the big picture, revealed to me in an early morning's worship rehearsal before i was wisked off to teach Kindergartners about what happens when you've done something wrong. You see, once you apologize, God forgives you. that's really simplistic, but i don't have time at the moment to dig deeper. what i am getting at is that i made a compromise & it hurt me to do it and it really hurt my friend. and others, i'm sure, who knew about what happened. (a vague fog ensues here, but i don't feel the need to split hairs & rehash the past with everyone) getting back to my point... i apologized as best i could. emails, phone conversations.... today, as it stands, we have spoken once, i emailed once after that. i feel slightly better about things, but the heart of the matter of "us" was not raised in this conversation. the thing being here that is frustrating about the real world (not the one you expose grade-K children to) is a bitter truth that you can apologize and not be forgiven by the person. and that's the hardest thing in all of this. maybe she has forgiven me, though, and it simply means that there is no friendship left.
the bottom line here is that after a year, i am still wounded, still haunted by this every day. and. it's time to move on... i think....

btw, the big picture involves this: there is this hole that we feel in ourselves. it is something that we try to fill with love, things, drugs, whatever. always are we left wanting more. never feeling totally satisfied by achievements, landmarks, boyfriends, girlfriends. always thinking if only i had this one more thing.... that one more thing cannot be quenched by things here on earth. it is an innate draw toward God. and even Christians get forgetful of these. i have. but i know it to be true.

it's later than you think
get up get up
it's fuming outside
stars shine
cloud cover sinks deep over the land
chilling the surface of my skin
only warmth is from within
what white night shines
memories fade so quickly and real life comes to play
sadness ebbs & flows
out of me
all i see
shining back at me
stars and slice of moon pie-like
it's later than you think
get up get up

get gone get gone
the past be gone
so why to linger
here on my head
like a pain earned by repeated stress
don't go don't go
i learned something today
i learned something yesterday
i'll tell you when i know what it is
like chinese noodles, some things are comforting
even just in memory
go go go
go go go
go go go
don't turn back
salty taste on my lips serves as a reminder
i've been facing the wrong way all this time
don't we know better?
surprised i'm still here?
i should be standing still
get gone get gone
go go go


::small world::
cousin gary & his girl, shakeh, came over today to take our former bedroom set with them. they rented a covered trailer and, wouldn't you know it, it had oregon plates.... it may very well be the same one that josh & i hauled my piano back with. i mean, what are the chances???? thought that was funny.
weekends are great, by the way. i'm having a blast here just poking around & being lazy. i may have to drag super mario out again and try to kick some booty. i feel like i'm 10 again or something, playing nintendo and getting mad at the machine because i can't seem to make it past one point. i miss the old days...pre nintendo 64. i used to do pretty well, but now the controlers are so darn complicated...I just can't seem to figure it out!


::sleep standing up::

foggy today...overcast, chilly, and gloomy. was inside the office (hereto known as "the box") today & desperately needed to leave. i did, at one point. the day is such & the work is such that one forgets the necessary 15 minute breaks required by california law. the box makes me forget these things. stepping outside is like coming out from being buried alive...i am being dramatic here. alas, i require nourishment. my stomach is growling like crazy.


::wee small hours of the morning::
what am i doing
drunk on healthy choice mint chip ice cream
watched braveheart
cleaned & laundered &
boy do i need to go to bed
gladly sad about the end of this chapter
that's how mixed up my emotions are
i have peace with everyone now, which makes things harder
but, thank God there is no bitterness here,
just the right thing to do for me & my family (josh, monty, & mango)


::counting down::

you know i'm relieved to be moving on to another job. i really believe it was time and in my heart i feel as though God gives me peace about it. that's a hard thing to say really, because i feel so unsure about it in so many ways. it's no miracle, believe you me. this job is not dream job (!!!). it is imperfect, as the next one will be. in our small office i already sense the hostility of frustration w/ co-worker b who phoned in "sick". i had to restrain myself. my co-workers are great, but i'm coming from a background very different than them, and that makes me...feel "out-of-the-loop". do i want to be in the loop? nay, from the bank i have learned to steer clear of controversy. though i nearly ate my foot on the aforementioned day, i got lucky. God's grace, but also a strong reminder not to forget what He's teaching me.

i think i get it now.
do my job. do it well.
don't complain. period.
don't express frustration about co-workers TO co-workers. it'll bite you in the butt & you'll spend the rest of your time trying to dig yourself out of a ditch.
don't take sides.

i tried to do this and remain respectful, but in the end, it broke me. i had already compromised so much. all the while trying to remain honorable as an employee.
new job=second chance

also, i love being so close to josh. we carpooled on tuesday (bye-bye northbound 405 traffic!!!) and lounged @ starbucks (i'll take a mocha-choca-lotta-ya-ya). i am so smitten!!!! (and proud of it!). the nail on the head with this job was location, since the very first interview.


::baby steps::

little things turn tragic so quick: is this for wanting some form of excitement in my life? nothing's happened as of late, but my dreams turn reality upside down & i wake up feeling horrible. or, it's my allergies. yesterday & today i just wish i could cry: my eyes hurt so much.

i'm not thinking much these days on the future. a little bit at a time, everyday. this new job is a big step for me. there are pieces of my past that i still stumble over now and again (here i go getting vague again)... i like to rub salt on my wounds, is that it? i must stop torturing myself! school is like an ominous forboding giant waiting for me to try and get past perpetual junior college life. it's cheap, but will i ever move up in the world? i must sound so unhappy about the whole thing, but i'm not. it's just the way things are going to have to be for me. two years spent trying to be a musician when i finally realized that i want to be a teacher. kudos to teri for taking on the junior highers. i'll stick with the little kids! (elementary)

only 4 days left (!!!) at the bank & thankfully i haven't had too many major obstacles preventing me from doing my work and wrapping up unfinished business. the new place suits me nicely, even if it is "glorified secretarial work" as i call it. hey, when one doesn't know what one's official job title is, one must improvise.

BY THE WAY...a rant about my distance education videos: Political Science has turned out to be surprisingly interesting AND up-to-date. Whereas, Child Developement, on the other hand, appears to date back to the early 90's, sporting bad haircuts and one Amish-looking PhD with a comb-over. Nice beard, dude. Mental note: this is the complete opposite of what I expected.


september 2002 archive

Sunday, September 29, 2002

::eve of resignation::

good morning. it's tomorrow: the day i tell all. one call to my new employer in the a.m. and then i meet with my boss and spill the beans. i have lost all bitterness, which is nice, and now find myself strangely sad at the thought of leaving. i've been building up to this for so long & mentally preparing for the day. i am sad to leave my customers. on to different things, though. not necessarily bigger or better. just different.

i am really excited about this job. josh & i could carpool and i am less than a mile away from his office. seems as though this will be a very fun & fast-paced job & i'm looking forward to doing something different. afterall, i'm still going to school to be a teacher.

hey- got the la times today: FINALLY! actually, i got two?! guess they are trying to make up for the past, no? i go shopping to-day!!!

Thursday, September 26, 2002

:: ! ! ! ! ! ! ::

i got an OFFER!!!!

monday is d-day

(decisions decisions)

i'm praying for 2...

i'd like to have a choice.

time will tell

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

::number two::

here i am killing time between interviews. i have a second interview pending (or so i am told) with a company near where josh works in irvine. very cool. i really liked the environment: very high energy & upbeat. that was interview #2 @ noon. It lasted 10 minutes. during the interview i heard the following songs: one headlight, by the wallflowers, along with sheryl crow's most recent single. the walls are painted yellow. they have a valet & underground parking. located across the street from a non-profit public television station. what more could you ask for?

as for the first place...if i am allowed to be picky, than no thank you. 2 reasons: pay cut (though temporary) & sterile working conditions. I don't think there are any windows nearby. i was interviewed by 3 people. my goodness: everyone has 2 or 3 bosses? yeah...how about this question:
What draws you to want to work in loans?
what i really wanted to say: gee, i dunno. i just kinda wanted to get out of my current position as soon as possible. i thought this would be an easier job, less stress, and i thought it would pay more than i'm making right now. also (& this is true) i don't want to work weekends anymore.

Monday, September 23, 2002


...interviews! ohmygosh! 10/12/3 o'clock. i'll be a very busy girl tomorrow!

haven't felt terribly creative as of recently. i think there's been too much on my mind with looking for a new line of work. 3 interviews is very exciting. that will make a total of 4 plus 2 headhunter peoples.

tonight's observations:
i am facinated watching my car's shadow shift across the pavement as i head east and ease around the bend to our house. (look up look up: OH NO!--just kidding)
i am amazed at how loudly mango, the orange kitten, purrs (he's one now)
i picked up my dry cleaning and i wondered: how do they DO that?

postscript: la times still hates me, but i think THIS sunday they might finally give me some love based on the "3x is a charm" hypothesis. i won't hold my breath, but i need those coupons. If you live in Southern CA, check out the most incredible shopping companion you could have at the grocery store. You won't be disappointed, I promise.

Sunday, September 22, 2002


wow...a day for adventure. i will venture down to fallbrook to celebrate my sister's birthday.
tonight we watch zoolander with friends justin, dan & joanne.
life is good.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002



5 years.
one day: september 17
one question: wanna go steady?
one dinner: M/MME. P, do you you still have that poem? something about hippos drunk on carbonated butane. (don't even ASK!)
who would have thought that would carry us to today. never in my wildest dreams...i hadn't the faintest clue i was meeting my true companion that fated evening at the irvine spectrum. it's STILL a wonderment and it's STILL a joy and i won't let those cynics out there tell me "Just wait.... It's not going to always be blissful..." that's up to US.

and i'm speechless & i'm more in love with him every day. thank you, josh.

Monday, September 16, 2002


got a lift home today from a coworker because my car needs a new radiator. be aware, sweet 215,000 mile van, i've got my eye on you! if you start costing me more money....

my pre-cooked chicken in it's convenient portable container tells me, "eat 5 a day" but i think it is mistaken: shouldn't that be my vegetables talking???

the kids (my cats) are hungry, i have a headache, & i just got the hiccups ...

Sunday, September 15, 2002

::no soup for YOU!--soup nazi::

apparently that's how the la times feels about me. no paper today. apparently my last call for the sunday edition was unsuccessful. what a drag. no coupons for ME!

my practice session (it's like learning a whole other language!):
next year we travel to new zealand for 10 days. this year, we went to australia and we can't wait to go back. had tons of fun in sydney and dream of living there a few months out of the year.

Saturday, September 14, 2002

::truth: stranger than fiction??::

(here is where i was going to rant about something rather petty, but i've decided against it. why? because i'm HAPPY and i'm not going to write about something that would give the impression of anything otherwise. so long, fair post. i think it's better this way.)

so, who writes about a deletia> me
where i ate tonight>el torito
what> taco salad
when>8 ish
who>me, amy, teri, will, patricia, jenn, matt, brandon (oop! not really....turn on spring st. & meet us @ claim jumper...insert 1.5 hours & a phone call)

that necklace from san francisco broke tonight when i started to undo the clasp. it just disintigrated. it was my favorite, but tied to so many memories. it's been almost a year now & i think things ended peaceably enough (up where "the portable toilets in petaluma frightened her") but it still...some things are better off. ...fin...

i read in oc weekly about this lady who is, like, the furniture psychic. This lady claims to see into the past of pieces of furniture and if it had a tainted history, it would be bad "feng shui" in your home. i don't give her any credibility, but it's made me aware of some things because there was a point in my life where every "place" & every "thing" had an association, a person or an event, tied with it. well, i think that in my life i can chose to glorify objects and the memories i associate with them, or i can realize that this practice or habit is by CHOICE and i can decide whether or not i want the memories to speak for me as i am today, or if i want to remain chained to the past. getting this piano (brought down from my parents' house) was a big step & i am warming up to it. i am making new memories and moving forward. you see, i love music. i love playing piano SKILLFULLY. but there was a phase i went through about 7 years ago that was completely love/hate. i loathed the tedious practice sessions. i would burn with frustration at not being able to get a part right...and my love for the art of music waned. but, i am starting over, making new memories, one of which is...

...during our trip home with the piano, we would check on it every stop we made.
so, here we are at random gas station off interstate 5 and i pop into the quik-mart
for a drumstick & a bathroom break. i exit with marshmallow toaster forks and josh
has the rear gate on the uhaul up and music is coming from the trailer. we did this
every chance we got. people must've thought we were really odd....

Friday, September 13, 2002

::today's mail::

Ladies -

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin to see a naked woman that
is not his wife. So, this Saturday
afternoon at 2:00 pm, Pacific time, all North American women are asked to
walk out of their houses, completely naked, to help weed out any
neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort. All men are to position
themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they think
it's okay to see other women nude and to show support for their fellow
sisters. Since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold
six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation.

God Bless America!!

Thursday, September 12, 2002

::dear manager::

Dear Manager...
I am outraged!
This "hotel" is a
travesty! Not only
do I arrive in my
suite tired, but I am
forced to share the
room with a total
stranger and 2 cats.
Also, my morning coffee
was not sound in the con-
venient table pitcher, and
instead, I was forced to
get my own cup and risk
burning myself on the coffee
making machine. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

::the infinite::

today is...365 days after the horror. is it cliched to write about it? perhaps. but i will anyhow.

where were YOU? we don't talk about it much because everyone talks for us: the media the media the media. in the past year i have learned more about the media than i care to. biased, you can't get "just the facts, ma'am, just the facts" anymore. no not there. they tell you what they want you to hear (even if it means putting our nation at risk). Q: am i done soapboxing?

i woke up to classical music a year ago today. i was single, in a twin bed, owner of one cat named "monty". he was somewhere in my san clemente apartment: probably keeping my roommate kim company as she readied for work. slowly gearing up for the day, i listened from my bed as the soft sounds of the orchestra suddenly faded. a little bit before 7:00am, a voice on the radio announced that the world trade center had been hit. in a daze, i sprung up from my slumber. kim was leaving for work. i told her what i had heard, and the puzzled look on her face was one of, i don't know, shock? disbelief? unreality? i think she thought i must be wrong. i think that _I_ thought (hoped) that i was wrong. my brain heard the words of the radio announcer, but did not comprehend the meaning of them. it was all so unreal.

into the living room, i flicked on the electric box & these images came. not real not real not real. i phone my josh, who had spent an all-nighter at work on the latest project. disbelief & unreality. i watched while he held the line & number 2 came cruising in...you know the story. we all know it too well. i called my dad. my sister called me. we couldn't believe. it didn't seem possible.

i thank God i don't have cable right now. i don't want to turn on the electric box in our living room & see them replay the tapes from this angle and that. I don't want to relive last year because it's this year & it's time to never forget & IT IS TIME live our lives differently with an appreciation for our mortality.

end soapbox

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

::new beginnings

that's what i tell myself. yesterday anyhow. i've been rereading microserfs (douglas coupland is part genius) & making peace with my inner child. Ah! the things i say to sound literary & intelligent. (*blink blink*) am i really here right now?

vacation was a blur & i can't believe it's over. no news on the job front. i'm hoping that i'll be somewhere else before the month is up but who knows. as time ticks away i find myself slightly more desperate and somewhat discouraged. today has been hot (a cool 76F in my home, but blazing outside) and i found it difficult to work. i still imagine i'm on vacation i think because i worked yesterday & was off today that my illusion is complete, only i know i must wake up tomorrow & go to the gym at 6am. its my september resolution.

Q: Am I sounding more like a writer now? Where will this electronic diary get me in life & how long until my friends become discouraged by this lackluster display of communication. Go get'um, tiger. One day I'll understand myself.

So, what's happening in YOUR life?


august 2002 archive

Thursday, August 29, 2002

::my cat has asthma::

...but that has nothing to do with what i'm thinking right now. the carpet people (see previous post) never showed.
(my cats are fighting right now. monty is so vocal--it always sounds like he is getting the crap beat out of him. but, they love each other. monty is the one who has asthma. i don't suppose the extra activity is good for him--he wheezes sometimes. am i a bad mom?)
the bedroom furniture is being delivered when we get back from vacation.

ciao! i must pack!

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

::waiting for::

vacation (saturday!),

carpet repair people (by noon),
a new job (tba),
my piano to come home (2 weeks!),
bucca di beppo (thursday!),
new bedroom furniture (tomorrow!),
a queen sized box spring (tba),
a finished paint job (who knows: i've been painting the bathroom for 3 months & ran out of paint. that's not just 3 months straight of painting. more like 3 times in as many months.)
my paycheck (friday!),
school to start (friday!),
mexico (end of september!),
to leave my current job (end of september...i think),
my online book order placed 3 weeks ago (tba),
the carpet repair people (still),

::not waiting for...::
the bills (uninvited, they just SHOW UP!),

sears repairman (he left about 2 hours ago. looked like val kilmer w/a mullet & hearing aids..eh, shiver),
another cat (2 is enough right now),
the plumber (he left at 8:30),
the electrical repair guy (he left about 11:00...and my lights will still dim when I turn the vacuum on, oc is so cheap these days, i guess--cheap wiring),
godot (thank you lhhs senior honors english),
a job @ new england financial (did'ya watch office space, mike?),
happiness (true joy is NOW, not later),
the cable bill (we stopped watching tv...but we still rent movies),

the carpet repair people (starting @ noon, that is,...their window was 7:30-12:00!)

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

::resume = toilet paper::

...or something to that affect. yesterday i interviewed 3 times. my time spent on pondering the future as a financial advisor is over. thank you mike at NEF. E-nough. it was something out of a movie, almost. mike came into the office with the intent of scaring the crap out of me with this job & it worked, thank you very much (for nothing). when i left, both of us knew (i wasn't shy about how i felt) that i wouldn't take the job if it was the last job on earth. yes, i want more money, BUT i don't want to work for a jerk. what a bizarre interview. he is the inspiration though for today's title: his calling card, his raison d'etre, is to inform applicants that their resumes are toilet paper to him. well, great. so, why did YOU call ME? enough on that. i couldn't wait to get out of that building.

on the flip side, i interviewed w/ octfcu on the spot after dropping of my resume to them in person. earth to job: please call me in a week or so--before i go on vacation....

Sunday, August 11, 2002

::sun day::

how beautiful the night
recall the time before you were born
i was here, inside you
listening to all the different noises that surrounded us
me--fully alive & you--still waiting for the work to be finished
how many months were labored on you
i forgot, after your birth
what it was like to sit still


here i am, now,
writing, half-dressed, in the chilly quiet of the evening
my paper lit only by lamplight shining from across the street
how beautiful the night

Saturday, August 10, 2002


7:50am time to get ready for work. sit down in front of computer & procrastinate a little longer. already accomplished a miracle today. fed cats while sleepwalking. discovered cat food left on counter from the night before. sniff sniff. should be ok. (secretly wonder if this makes me a bad mom...am i poisoning my kids to save a few cents?) ponder life without saturday work days. sounds good. remind self to finish resume & turn in to the credit union. ASAP. FYI, i'm so leaving the bank. love the customers. my customers. they ask for me, y'know? so disliking the environment. might settle down in december, but it's really bad. negative. must leave sooner. plus this job pays more. so there.

7:56am still typing away at this. should leave in 15 minutes. still have bed head & horrible breath. josh is still passed out in bed. lucky him.

7:57am should go. don't want to. don't have a choice. maybe i can play catch up today. "Yeahhhhh, we're going to need you to come in on Saturday too. We lost a lotta people this week and we sorta haveta play catchup, yeahhhh. Oh, and we're going to need you to come in on Sunday, too. Yeahhhh, that'd be great. Thanks." (Lumberg, Office Space) Yeah, sometimes watching that movie is like therapy. (for the record: i'd don't really hate my job THAT much)

8:00am times up.

Sunday, August 04, 2002


presently i am doing something that my hairdresser may have to fix in a week. or tomorrow. it depends on how everything turns out. I dyed my hair dark auburn (it's darker now than i want it to be, but reds fade, so what do you do. didn't know 20 minutes would be too long). now, I have a cap on & am highlighting my hair. don't you know it's taking forEVer?! if I stop now, I'll only be at orange, & that's no good. at least erin hasn't called about signs. or has she? the 3 of us (including josh) are off to check out the new m night shyamalan flick. funny, mel gibson is in it, but i haven't thought of it as his movie.

either way, it's a lazy sunday. cheers to that!

ps indeed my hair has orange highlights. though, honestly, i think they look ok. kudos to erin for the warning: if i had waited much longer to rinse out my hair (i wanted golden blonde highlights) my hair could very well have disintegrated.... will have to get this fixed before i go for an interview. b (my hairdresser) will scold me for sure. ("what was i thinking?")

Saturday, August 03, 2002

::living & breathing::

oh it's great to be alive! this week was incredibly unreal. whitney houston, bobby brown, & kenny (aka babyface) were at the studio. it is a blur now, and we are all left reeling in their wake. woah. what an unexpected blessing. unfortunately, they ditched memphis & prefer cheesecake factory's version of cajun/soul food. it's ok: we still love you memphis! at least now i can rest easy: i'm no longer posing as a studio gopher when the sun goes down. oh, sleep! beautiful, wonderful sleep!

still planning our trip to oregon to visit my folks in september. perhaps i'll have a new job by then. wouldn't that be sweet? started clearing out today and making my to do lists of all i need to tie up. two & a half pages later in my composition book & i am amazed. who would have thought i had that much to do? new job or not, i need to get organized before vacation.

cats are cuddled up peacefully in the hallway while i type. mango lays on his back, peering at me through tiny slits. monty had an asthma attack this morning that woke me up. he goes back on prednisone at this untimely sign. the weather is warm now, so this is an unusual occurance. speaking of cats, i do need someone to feed them while we are away or housesit if they are willing. any takers? (this refers to friends of course, not strangers!) email me. it's the first week in september.



i've decided to write. as a writer, and thus determined, this is what happens. but, as an artist, confusion sets in and, perfection desired, disasters ensue. too many fancy words clutter the page. artistic whims result in unintelligible mutterings. this is my plight. how can i be good at this? 

it's a dream i have to one day publish my blubbering sentiments without first bribing the publisher. i've been through this already. i'm out $65 and I own a 300 page paperweight from the International Poets Society. my poem takes up very little space. honestly now. 

a string of streaming thought.... 

conflicted butterflies swarm the sky
such beauty, might they stay a while
keying into my heartstrings
flickers of color & light catch my eye
where will they happen to next


i'm conflicted. youthful, energetic, stiffled. where am i going? youthful in age. energetic with determination. stiffled only in my career, though this is temporary & i know it. could i possibly see outside of my own experiences? it's that, the greater of human achievements, to see beyond one's own world. my belief. what is that person living, who comes to my desk? what is their life? their joy? their sorrow? we are be-ing. not things. not bodies without souls. we are weakness & strength. we are immortal in the memories of others. we can transcend time and space in someone's thoughts. we can be anywhere (in mind) & nowhere but with ourselves. people are amazing.

customer service confuses me sometimes...when i don't get any, i wonder what are we who fight each other and will not help one another. what is up with THAT?

typing typing typing
pitter patter on the keys
like gentle raindrops
tickling the skin



magnetic poetry says: my friend forever remember how summer let light use you and suddenly you were gold --dp (thank you)