december 2002 archive


I see a dog upon the road
Running hard to catch a cat
My car is pulling to a halt
The truck behind me doesn’t know
Everything is in the balance
Of a moment I can’t control
And your sympathetic strings
Are like the stirrings in my soul

I could go at anytime
There's nothing safe about this life
I could go at anytime

Find the meaning of the act
Remember how it goes
Every time you take the water
And you swim against the flow
The world is all around us
The days are flying past
And fear is so contagious

But I’m not afraid to laugh
I could go at anytime
There’s nothing safe about this life
I could go at anytime

Anytime (come without warning)
Anytime (it could be so easy)
A walk in the park (or maybe when I’m sleeping)
Anytime (see the clouds come over)
Rain or shine (I make you so unhappy)
Lets make it right

I feel like I’m in love
With a stranger I’ll never know
Although you’re still a mystery
I’m so glad I’m not alone

I could go at anytime
There’s nothing safe about this life
Make it so easy to fly in the night
I could go at anytime
I could go at anytime

(neil finn, one all)


::more than this::

i woke up and the world outside was dark
all so quiet before the dawn
opened up the door and walked outside
the ground was cold

i walked until i couldn’t walk any more
to a place i’d never been
there was something stirring in the air
in front of me, i could see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i stand
feeling so connected
and i’m all there
right next to you

it started when i saw the ship go down
i saw them struggle in the sea
and suddenly the picture disappears
in front of me

now we’re busy making all our busy plans
on foundations built to last
but nothing fades as fast as the future
and nothing clings like the past, until we can see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something out there
more than this
it’s coming through
and more than this
i stand alone and so connected
and i’m all there
right next to you

oh then it’s alright
when with every day another bit falls away
oh bus its still alright, alright, alright
and like words together we can make some sense

much more than this
way beyond imagination
much more than this
beyond the stars
with my head so full
so full of fractured pictures
and i’m all there
right next to you
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i’m alone
feeling so connected
and i’m all there right next to you

more than this
more than this
more than this
more than this

(peter gabriel, up)

the melancholy i seek out is underwhelming. it will not overtake me. i have been sitting at this keyboard a long while this morning, making various decisions, and one of them is to be happy in the new year. it seems like so much of experiencing life is intertwined with little tragedies along the way, but i don't buy into the fact that that is what gets us along in our years here. i think we want to buy into it at times, but what is wrong with being satisfied with how things are? is it a generational thing to seek out the drama and the difficulty and grow them up into something bigger (better) than us? it seems like it is a trend, from my humble observations. i don't think this world is THAT horrible, as a matter of fact i think i am lucky to be where i'm at and especially in oc we should see how good (albeit sheltered) we have it (current tragedy aside). there is this idea that has been floating around in my head for a couple of days that questions decisions i've made and am i really happy and you know, it's a choice that we make. to have joy in our lives despite the pain around us.

i want to be a writer, a musician, a teacher, a thinker, a Christian, a lover, a friend, a seamstress, a poet, a lyricist, a film-score composer, a film aficionado; some of things are already a reality. some things have not been thought of yet. that's the great thing about life is that you have all these choices in font on you, and hopefully it doesn't overwhelm you so much that you shrink in front of it and run away.

happy new year!


just so you know it's not just flippant and cute for me to hate the government so much, here's one reason why:
well there was a protest in the area that you will never hear about on tv over an incident that you will also not likely hear about unless you get your news from a bbc source or impartial US source...

Currently a new rule requires that any non-US citizens from certain countries must register that they are here. Have you heard about this? I have, and couple people I know have, but most have not because it was never publically announced. Well in another set of mass round-ups by AshKKKroft, earlier this week 5 visiting people between the ages of 13 and 26 in So Cal were detained for 72 hours in a cell without a toilet or a water fountain. The 26 year old died...

But who cares right?

Anyhow, this is my new favorite INS policy as of late...

The INS has also said that it cannot provide information regarding a Pakistani citizen who died in its custody unless Human Rights Watch produces a document with the man's signature indicating his consent to the release of information. The man, Mohammed Butt, died on October 23 allegedly of unspecified heart problems.

hey, wasn't trying to make light of your opinions...i'm a bit apathetic (and sadly so) on the subject of current events. as much as i listen to the news, i still haven't really formed an opinion for myself on all the goings on. on the surface, things seem to be going well (if i look at my little square footage that i reside in here in OC). it seems like sept. 11 threw us into a spiral...go defend ourselves, remember those innocent people who perished. josh tries to talk with me about this stuff and i am just clueless. is it wrong? to be this ignorant? perhaps. my view is mostly emotional and less based on what's going on.

on what i heard this morning: i am not surprised at the tactics being used on those people being held on various suspicions (warranted or not) that hint at torture...but it definitely creeps me out. the idea that it is even closer to home than an island out in the Indian Sea, well, that creeps me out more.

so, some opinions here and there, but not enough to hold a really knowledgeable conversation on the subject. there are so many layers to what is going on. though i generally consider myself conservative, i don't even know what it means anymore. too many lines are blurred. for the most part, i think that we have it better here in the US than some countries...again, based loosely on perception & even less on fact. the star spangled banner still sends shivers down my spine, but where is that long lost glory the song speaks of?


::::those recent minutes::

just was looking for someone else's words to speak my mind and couldn't find anything.

spend too much time dreaming of better things and not enough time grounded in reality. be there. be here. be.



it's my josh who is reminding me of the true meaning of Christmas this year as i sure haven't felt it in the world around me. i've failed to recreate the decorated home of Christmas past (my childhood) as i simply don't have enough Christmasy "stuff" to go around--it took me less than an hour to unpack the boxes of goodies and deck the halls of my home. josh is satisfied, but not i. apparently my heart wasn't big enough to cover the pocket book on one occasion, and for that i am hugely disappointed & very grieved. better luck next time? or does this ex-banker need to balance the checkbook more often?

back to the meaning of Christmas. i have found it in my immediate family: josh, the kids: monty and mango, right here at home. the tree which is only partly decorated this year (mango is still very much a kitten at heart & doesn't know what to make of the new toy we've brought into the house) stands tall, lit by white lights which were meant for trimming houses (they have a white cord, not a green one). and i have found peace in this.

Merry Christmas!

::part deux::

what a nice time. truly. spent the afternoon and early evening with my sister & her husband's family. i deserve a medal for being able to put my nephew, jonathan, down for bedtime at the end of the night--that's something his mom can't even do! my handicap, however, is that he missed his nap & had been extremely worn out by all the visitors!

my mood is much improved over the recent 24hours, a most definite relief to my spirit. i did not need the undo burden of hurt feelings/anger hanging heavy on my heart. God is good. :-)


an exhausting day is nearly at a close. i don't know that i've achieved anything noteworthy, but i did finish shopping & assembling my gift to my parents. i listened to the maltese falcon as i butchered pictures, broke picture frames, and cursed at the cat for disturbing the peace. mango is so hyper tonight.


i love the sound my fingers make when i type extra fast. it sounds so efficient--as though tons and tons of work is being demolished before my very eyes. little packets of information being placed into their proper location within my computer. can it really be just ones and zeros?!

was truly inspired by the peter gabriel concert we attended on wednesday. i am also amazed at the vast differences in concert-going culture. it definitely varies depending on the venue one attends. let's just say that the staples center does not attract the introspective musician in large enough quantities to allow for a truly 100% attentive audience. mostly the beer drinking pot smoking wild drunken screaming join the bandwagon cause peter hasn't been on tour with a new album for a decade our favorite song isn't from the current album no respect for African natives playing tribal instruments sort of people. but i still had a great time.


i've never been the organized type to sit down & think out these blogs. normally i just write when i am inspired. i'm at work & i'm inspired.

i've never been able to travel as much as i like. josh & i love going to places & exploring them for the first time together. sydney was like that. someday we hope new york is like that too. we are famous for spur of the moment decisions, and if the pocketbook allowed, i think we would just go whenever we had the time. certainly more than we do now. there are some cool hotels around the world & i am looking forward to exploring all of them.

ok, well, the inspiration has left me & work is requiring my resources again. to this i will return. (i always feel the need to close with something....i must stop that!)


::this weekend::
can't bring myself to leave this place even though i could. josh is playing bass tonight with our worship team. the cats deserve to eat, but i know they aren't starving. the tv in this room allows me to listen to the service which i've already sat through once. i'm rethinking this whole site because i don't feel it's been much of a testimony to my beliefs. but, my conclusion at this is that every christian is a real person with problems just like anyone else out there. i hope you will see that too.

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