::tortilla soup::

wahoo's is amazing. i love wahoo's. i was so incredibly hungry today after going to the gym with E___. did you ever read les miserables? i was always terribly confused when they wouldn't finish the person's name. there were so many anonymous characters in the beginning that i just gave up. never made it past page 800. but this year...i will read lord of the rings, don quixote, and maybe give the good old college try to les miserables again. unabridged versions all of them, i promise you.

having a heck of a time trying to get to sleep at a decent hour. i have re-discovered my love for making mixes and have burned 3 mix cd's since saturday. still perfecting the art as i am out of practice, but i recall a time in high school & afterwards where i made mix tapes for my best friends and for a road trip to vegas when i was 20. oohh. that was a fun time. and i think i will start making those mixes again. as part of a new years sort of resolution i have going in my mind. one of many plans. january 1st is long gone, you think, can i possibly not procrastinate?

am happily living in present day right now as i spent a week in my introspective little world. it's not fun there. i mean, it's good, but it gets old after a while.

josh & my one year anniversary comes up on sunday. you'll forgive me if i don't return your phone calls or emails, right?

signing off ... ciao!

::beautiful night::

last night was FUN. after the gym with erin (i'm getting buff! ha ha ha) we ended up at gypsy den w/ erin, me, josh, george, & gina. ate dinner, then some more friends popped in unexpectedly and we all ended up at the lodge across the street for a drink. a fun time.

spending lots of time downloading music these days. anything from fiona apple to jon brion to neil diamond or the soggy bottom boys (oh brother, where art thou? is so great! who would have thought it was all based on the odessy? it was never this fun reading it in high school.)

too much thinking going on and i don't know what to write about exactly. still stewing on recent thoughts and not quite sure how to cope with the whole thing. it is plain to see that some moving on needs to happen. one way or the other, it's not good to remain in limbo.

there you have it. in the words of eddie izzard, "ciao".

::how can you do that?::

i have strange dreams sometimes, though this is the first one i can vividly recall in a long time. saw a friend i hadn't seen in a long time & things were pleasant between us. we're sitting in her car talking & catching up, and this old guy (grey hair, thin, frighteningly determined) starts walking toward us. he plans to allure us with cigarettes and my friend throws the car in reverse and we pass him by. somehow he hops into the car with us and is sharing the driver's seat with her. then I realize we're rolling forward and i save us by stepping on the brake, which is miraculously at my feet.

the other is far less spectacular. i'm at work reviewing the large stack of 100's of faxed w-9 forms, praising myself for the successful campaign to get this project done in time for us to issue 1099's to our independent contractors. as i am thumbing through the paperwork, i realize that the same person has sent the same information to us, like, 50 times, upon which i melt in defeat.

go figure. i'm not making these up. they are too weird.

on the other side of things, i am here all the time these days. there is this sadness that washes over me when i think on times of old and wonder why things have to change and why they have to get screwed up along the way when you try so hard to make things work. so hard, in fact, that you live in this sort of constant state of regret and self-torture. would dr. laura have told me to do differently? (just kidding, by the way) i don't know what i could possibly do to heal things between us, but tears that have welled up inside me and flow freely down my cheeks. unable to move on, for the time being, i will follow along and watch her grow up and away from afar. and i'll write, and maybe one day, she'll write back, or maybe i'll go on my way and accept the idea that our paths have permanently separated, never to intertwine again, never to experience the sort of faithfulness one usually only sees in marriages.

::from the heart::

i finally let go of the tissue i'd been clinging to since we left the grave site. it was warm from the touch of my grasp. it was dry from lack of use. any sorrow was experienced the first 24hrs. & i moved on. and now, sitting on the steps of her home, the concrete cold against my skin through the thin layer of this cheap velvet skirt, i try to figure it all out.
it's just after the new year and, at this time of rebirth and new promises to better one's self, i am trying to find my resolution. looking on the life of family members who have succumbed to death's grasp and gone on to meet their Maker is just such the springboard i need to cease my apathy and laziness. i think it's the place that i am in right now, at any rate.
in the background, the voices of family carry through the open windows and reveal their identity to the listening ear. varied stories of sadness and joy pierce the chill morning air, overpowering the nearby chirping from the neighbor's antennae. what am i doing here, on this earth, what purpose do i have? i'm feeling, currently, like i don't belong here: celebrating the life of a person i hardly knew. did i already say this? i wish i had known her better. she has a picture of me in her house. where is mine of her? but it's nice to know how she thought of me. it's nice to know i was loved, as i surely do love her.

::cheers::

here's to the new year. always a sign of rebirth, like a phoenix rises from the ashes....no, wait, that was harry potter's latest.... a day of laziness, paul mccartney's back in the us dvd (so awesome!) and movie going w/ erin & george. i nearly broke my ankle tonight on their stairs. nothing like the fear of a disabling injury to remind you about health insurance (where IS that id card....).

alas, nothing witty left here. or maybe there is, but really, i just want to sleep!!!

happy new year!