::saturday funnies::

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously


1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

42. You never really learn to get angry until you learn to drive.

43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

..................................
this is from august of last year--thank you sarah! to my reader, sorry for the late post!

::passion::

went and saw mel gibson's the Passion of the Christ yesterday. will try to break it down bit by bit without revealing any major points since it is early in the release.

my immediate reaction...is still coming to the surface and it is 24 hours later. the film was amazing. a tour de force in concept and vision which was realized to the fullest extent. notwithstanding some artistic license, the meaning and intention was not lost on myself, though it leaves me trembling in the wake of my current life as a Christian.... there is so much going through my mind, so forgive me jumping from one place to another in my thought.

the soundtrack...yes, i go there. this is about the film as a whole piece...artistic, historic, everything. as passionate as i am about music (knowing me, you would realize this) how could i be expected to leave this one alone. the score was a blend of lisa gerrard's gladiator meets peter gabriel's passion with a hint of danny elfman and little bit of howard shore and to bring it all together. john debney composed a fitting accompaniment to the movie which only accentuated the film: not drawing our attention away from it, but intensifying the emotions of each and every scene.

with that, i shall pause, not knowing how to continue. as i said, i am still reeling from the experience. it is unforgettable, as it should be.

::Pancake Day::

Happy Pancake Day! I had a better link for Pancake Day, but at the time of this post, the website was down. Must be getting a lot of hits or something...though Pancake day is already over in Australia.

Cheers!

::growing patience::

well, just a brief post tonight to update my reader on the latest & greatest in my battle with my association for the right to grow other than weeds. we were given the green light to go ahead and start with our project: the hardscape has been approved. the association (which i so badly want to mis-abbreviate!) has told us they want "more green" to soften up the look, and that potted plants are ok. however, if we choose that route, they need to know not old what plants will be in the pots, but what the pots will look like. my GOSH! i wanted to exclaim, "you've got to be kidding me!" but, i held my tongue like a good little girl. and now seek to plot my revenge...by transferring the lovely milkweed i've got flourishing in my front yard (thanks to all the rain we've been getting) into nice, gaudy, fluorescent orange pots which will line themselves happily around my house (even in front of my sliding glass door, as they have so carefully indicated on my plans that they do require greenery there). i mean, like, wow. this is so unbelievable. i think it is proof that aliens exist and they have taken over our unincorporated little town.

run! get out while you still can!

::saturday funnies::

Things to do at Walmart while shopping with a friend....

1. Get the boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens

5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10

6. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap

7. Put M&M's on layaway

8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department

10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose

12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I.Joes and X_Men

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon

14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are

15. Switch signs on the mens' and womens' bathrooms

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible"

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front

18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels

19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position an scream "NO!NO! It's those voices again"

21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it

22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ...."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
...............................

again, another gravy contribution from May 2001

hope you have a wonderful saturday, reader! yeah! it's the weekend!

::where did it go?::

i am losing my mind. i have a hearing problem. basically, this infection has totally blocked up the hearing in my left ear. for about a week now, i realize i've been tortured by this pronounced loss and that, tonight, i have totally and absolutely lost it. as a musician and someone who loves music, there is not a day or drive that goes by without musical accompaniment. suffice to say i've barely been able to stand sampling the new norah jones on itunes since it came out. and, this evening, i totally broke down in front of josh. i can't even stand to watch a movie on tv with him, let alone think about going to see 50 first dates (which looks incredibly charming) in a movie theater.

basically, sound just kind of echoes in my head. it's similar to a wireless phone...when you pick up another conversation, only you can't distinguish words, just tones and booming type sounds. coworkers thought i was nuts today as i requested the background music off. and others were oblivious to how painfully irritating it was to listen to them talk. and i just can't take it anymore. dinner was hardly pleasant...even the sound of my own voice is grating. and, the end result is that i have the most frazzled nerves this evening and just that i am horribly, painfully sad. and tired. and, i just want to be better. oh, God, i just want to be better.

::pins & needles::

ever so anxiously waiting for ...

the word from our association on our landscaping plans

-and-

a time when i'm not sick once a month--i'm taking my vitamins! (and now that my i'm-home-sick-from-work-thank-you-deisi-for-covering-my-shift-afternoon-early-nap is starting to wear off, maybe i can get to sleep!)

nighty night!

::saturday soliloquy::

NOTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Memorize your favorite poem.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye and don't make excuses.

6. Know your partner at least a year before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask,"Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Call your mom.

16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.

19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

23. Spend some time alone.

24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

26. Read more books and watch less TV.

27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.

28. Trust in God but lock your car.

29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

31. Read between the lines.

32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

33. Be gentle with the earth.

34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.

35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

36. Mind your own business.

37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.

38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.

41. Learn the rules then break some.

42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

44. Remember that your character is your destiny.

45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

taken from The GRAVY letter, edited by James Bradley, October 2001

Happy Valentine's Day, Readers!!!

::bonding::

and the next 24 hours promise to bring us even closer.

when josh & i undertook this landscaping project, we never envisioned the homeowner's association from you-know-where. oh MY! the latest call, which leaves me scrambling for the next 24 hours is their request that we not only provide them with a plant list, but that we detail where each plant will be planted. as i stumbled around in a cold medicine induced coma (i finally made it to savon!) i wonder "how in the world can they be so picky?" and i promise on my soon-to-be-planted lamb's ears (which, did i mention, will not be visible from the street? ever?) that i will not only plant those lovely box leaf euonymus, but i will hire this so that i can shut you down!!
alas, my problems require more than books. how in the world am i going to ever get my plans approved? we're hoping to start the demo next week?! if they would just drive by the house, they'd realize this will be a dramatic improvement from the flourishing milkweed in the front yard. which, by the way, i did not have to request approval to plant THOSE!

my current sense of humour is a desperate cry for help.

::simple pleasures::

well, here i am, one day after i said i wouldn't be posting as often as usually, aka daily, and i'm feeling mildly creative despite a sinus headache and some suspicious cold-like symptoms. on the request of my reader, i will continue with an ode to toast today.

my ode to toast? i came home from work today, slipped the kids (aka cats, monty & mango) some dry food, dumped my work garb to go out with my fuzzy grey pj's and pondered a snack. something that i could get ready NOW and eat before being overwhelmed by starvation. and, i saw it. the fresh loaf of sheepherder's bread i picked up from wal*mart on monday. ummmm.... a few agonizing minutes in my toaster, a generous spread of butter and wow-ee! hot, buttered, ummmm.... toast.

can you taste it? mine's gone already!

::awol::

ok ok it's been a while. truth is i've been feeling a bit lazy recently and i'm trying desperately to find an even keel with my daily grind where i actually get stuff done after work. i haven't felt like doing much of anything...but i'll do that until 11 or 12 at night and then proceed to get disgusted with how little i'm getting done. it's a self-propelled tragedy. blech! so much has been happening, i have barely catalogued it in my brain. and, truth be told, i don't feel much like writing about it. oh, don't get me wrong: it's been wonderful stuff! a reunion with a friend i haven't seen in 10 years, our 2 year wedding anniversary, my 27th birthday, cirque du soleil, dinner at anjin in costa mesa with friends from up north and around here. it's been a blast. but i'm just beat and feel ... uncreative. there are bills to pay, taxes to organize, and landscaping to look forward to. and, i'll be writing a little more intermittently until i can get a handle on it all. :)

until then,...

:: saturday funnies ::

New Dictionary Entries

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an butthead.

this week's entry comes from sarah in arizona. thanks! please email me if you have something funny for next week: muse at furiousmuse dot net!

::out of the blue::

Hello all,

I realized recently in teaching my Quest kids about what it's like to grow up that the people who understood me most during those "awkward years" were you all. I was telling them how when you were in elementary school, you probably had a different best friend every day. It was most likely the kid that shared their cookies with you at lunch. Then as you get older, it changes, and your best friend can be one person or a group, but they always accept you for who and what you are. I know we all don't talk as often as we like, and we don't hang out as often as we want, but I wanted you all to know how much I appreciate you accepting me no matter what. I see so many kids going through life with all kinds of problems and issues at home, and they don't have a support network of friends like we all have. Even if it's only for a fleeting second, I think about you guys all the time, especially when I'm trying to help kids get through their adolescent years. I know this email seems a little out of the blue, but hell, why not! You all mean something special to me. Whether you were in the 4Runner when I crashed it, ran the jog-a-thon with me in kindergarten, marched on a football field with me, know what MUN stands for, or a sorority sister that gave me the gift of membership, I love you all and I wanted to make sure you knew.

Love,
Teri

...........................

my friend, teri. gosh, i do love her. wow. almost made me cry. i really am lucky to have friends like her. wow.

i should have this wonderfully long dissertation on the joys of friendship here, especially considering i saw my friend audrey from 6th grade on friday & i haven't seen her for 10 years, and i'll get to it, but i am suddenly motivated to get off my butt and do something with the laundry, etc. the housework never takes a day off and we still have the container of milk souring in the fridge from January 19th. more later.

i love my friends.