::it's dark outside::

::it's dark outside::
josh & i are convinced that our neighbors are perfect. they have their Christmas lights up already. they planted their own grass and wired in additional sprinklers. "it wasn't that hard" they said. they have planted flowers and have a well groomed yard. ours, on the other hand...the only thing i'm growing in addition the the pre-installed generic landscaping are weeds and rocks. lots of 'em. and i'd rip out our little 3x5 plot of lawn that our generous neighbors mow every couple of weeks, but that would require a commitment to put something in its place. I'm not ready for that.

i am looking forward to the holidays though. this is my favorite time of year.

(feeling uncreative tonight, i will end on that thought, however, if you would like to be on my mailing list & be notified every time there is something new to read, fantastic or otherwise, please email me.)

::note to self::

(disclaimer...what you are about to read may make absolutely no sense...)
start over, cut hair super short, color with obnoxious red dye, try to find hip clothes/makeup to go with hair. thusfar i am unsuccessful. i'm going through this stage right now where i'm not so sure of my next big thing in life. whatever it is, it's comforting to know certain things will not change as i do: josh, for instance, will still love me no matter what. this house will not uproot itself & we are not going to move anywhere in the foreseeable future. and my friends who are my friends will still love me...even if we don't talk as often as we used to. life is so much bigger than the myopic view i knew of just over 5 years ago. before i met my husband. it's amazing how that word sounds when you speak it out loud. i love it. josh is my life-long adventurer. my time after time fighter of crime. (i don't know what that means, but it sounds nice). to twist a quote from a movie, sometimes talking about life is like dancing about architecture. sometimes you just have to get into the middle of it and just be there. in real time. paying attention to everything going on around you...and participating in it. life is not a spectator sport, as they say.

josh & i are schlepping it on our own this thanksgiving. i kind of like it actually. he recently pointed out that i have this "customer service laugh" thing that i do, which is hilarious, really. i think it stems from nervousness, or wanting to be nice & not getting angry when i have a problem with something...i'm not sure. all i know is that i can't pretend to do it. also, i think it can only be done when i'm on the phone with someone. and i caught myself using this fake laughter with my very own sister in avoidance of a difficult question that was posed today: why aren't we spending today with a family member??? well, i don't know really, but i like it. today has been nice, and josh IS my family. so there. and the fake laughter has to stop. it's driving me nuts.

::i have magic powers::

...is the title of the sam brown picture i have posted in my cubicle. sadly, it's in black & white. right now if i tried to print that from home, everything would be shades of pink: i am out of blue & yellow. i'll bet THAT would be interesting. one of these days i'll stop being so lazy.

i think i am recovered from whatever suddenly snuck up on me last week. i have been made inordinately aware of my heartbeat though. as a result, i startle myself at the least bit of inconsistency in rhythm.

on the more pensive side....
josh's sweet aunt is ill with cancer, which has progressed more rapidly than expected. there's nothing like the threat of death to wake you up to reality. we are all going to die. i am in no way making light of the current family goings-on; but this is where my thinking stems from. death is my least favorite subject. there were times i thought i didn't want to exist, but those were temporary instances in my late teens. maturity does wonders for perspective. as does a healthy dose of the Bible. i used to be afraid of death, too. in fact, some fears rear their ugly head time and again. why? because this is it. our one and only chance. make it a good one. and suddenly a college degree doesn't seem as important if you're doing something that makes you happy. i am happy now, i stinkin' love this job. however i think i still want to be a teacher. in some ways, i already am because of teaching sunday school. therefore, the balance is there & i don't feel so depressed about not pursuing my education. high school really can lie to you sometimes. i have done quite well in the work force with my instinctive self-motivation without a bachelor's. contentedness has settled in and i think i will stew on this for a while.

happy thanksgiving & God bless you.

::closers::

nearing the end of a hectic work week. left early today because i felt ill. strangest thing: on the phone w/ a client & my heart starts pounding so heart I thought it would pop out of my chest.... the first thing that comes to mind is heart attack, but it was so brief that the fear of such a thing was swiftly erased. i've been tripping on it all this evening though. that'll teach me to remember to take my breaks....though i have never experienced anything like this before & have worked some pretty high pressure jobs (in my humble orange county opinion).

so, i'm left to ponder mortality & be thankful i am alive today--yes, it was THAT strange of an experience. i am exhausted. though i would like to write more, i think my fatigue is holding me back. nighty night~~~~(the following is by sam brown, cleverly entitled "i think your cat is drunk") very funny.

::colours::

played with color tonight. fun with html. what a party! goodnight :-)

::relax::

ohMY! had the most wonderful massage last night from mary and i am ready for my weekend. Yeah! Also put up a link to another spa that is VERY reasonable in price & am told that they give the BEST massages there by a coworker who goes....a couple times a MONTH!!! lucky her, that's all i have to say. living in the lap of luxury. josh & i hit houston's afterwards and then i prompty fell asleep upon arriving home. i think i remembered to brush my teeth....

::stranger than fiction ii::

went to souplantation again. tonight someone was having a birthday party for their kids. at souplantation. did i mention it was a birthday party?

i choose to alternate between dessert & dinner. the last moments included apple cobbler and pepperocini. i'm NOT pregnant, i swear. i think justin was horribly disgusted by this though. josh & i eat pepperocini straight out of the jar. man, those are so good.

i'm full. time to incubate.

::the sounds of silence::

no music today @ work. oh how wonderful this is. i had started a set list to see if i could successfully log the songs they rotate every 7.75 hours, but i will happily abandon that to this....nothingness. happy friday!

creativity has been depressingly downsized in my world. i am left to ponder the meaning of life in my sleep and it never fails that i remember nothing in the morning except that i have just been rudely awoken by the sounds of bill handel and am radio. undoubtably i will hear the same thing i hear every morning, in odd, groundhog day fashion: the traffic report. traffic is so horrible. i love carpooling with josh, yet, oddly enough, i don't think i ever want to take the wheel in the morning ride to work.

so there you have it. i'm all out of vvvoomph. it's friday. time for a movie, dinner, and relaxation. cheers!