some strange turnings in my soul lead me to open up my high school yearbook today. i think i have pastor mike to blame :) all that talk about high school reunions.... it's extremely strange to think of the me that was back then compared to the me that is now. as much as i'd like to say it's better (and in many ways, yes, it is better) it's mostly just a different thing all together. all those feelings of angst and frustration as a teenager just change to fit the current conditions. now my world includes my OWN housework (when i do it, i just want to stay home all the time because i love this house so much!) and a mortgage and two cats and a husband and many bills to pay and appliances that break down and new desires to travel to distance lands --or las vegas, if my parents are willing to meet me ;) and what else? so much more. cars to fix and gas to fill the tank, registration stickers and rules and oh the trials of the heart as there is so much out there to WANT. i test drove a jetta for a day about a month ago: josh rented one for me. and i drove stick shift on our friend's new beetle and wow, i'm thinking, i could SO do this! the non-impulsive, money-conscious part of me balks completely at the idea as i would be paying more for the car than it is worth because of the cost of interest on a 5-year car loan. i know i could live with that, but do i really want to? i fight it every day. every day that jetta creeps a bit more under my skin (it has been for three years, since the body style changed). every day i resist it's another victory. and how silly does this all sound? i laugh at myself. oh, and there are still groceries to be bought and the house won't clean itself. and here i am just typing away all of these thoughts to whomever will aim to read them. humph.
i strive to be thoughtful in all my considerations. i enjoy writing. i like to make other people happy, and other times i'm too selfish to remember all of them. my friends. my family. even my faith. i know there's no way for me to make God happy: He doesn't need cheering up like you & me. i still try to follow along the path which has been so laid out for me in the Bible. it is so hard to do it when you aren't paying attention. it takes effort, thought, will, humility, and so much commitment. i don't suspect that i am the only one in this world to struggle with her faith. to balk at the challenges it throws my way. but i've felt so weak lately and it's been ages since i've felt so unseated as i do now. i'd like to place blame on anyone else but myself for the recent difficulty, but, shaking this head of mine at the computer screen, i know that's the wrong solution. (it's not a solution at all) so all i've got to cling to, and it really feels like just a single thread, is the fact that God has never left my side in all of this and that there is forgiveness knocking at my soul. every day is a new day and another chance i have been blessed with, in this life, to make a start. to concede and follow Him. it's a commitment not unlike marriage in that respect. because the light-hearted butterflies swimming in my stomach the first months/years of knowing josh aren't the same today. the butterflies are still there, but they are more like penguins. i mean that in the sense that they aren't going to fly away anywhere. they are grounded, steadfast, on solid ground. and my faith in God, though not as "exciting" as the first throes of love, all ripe and boiling over with enthusiasm, is still a constant thing for me. i know this because i feel the distance tearing at me when i spend time apart from God, while i'm busy seeking my own desires and trying to make things work on my own. and it's amazing to me how a simple conversation gets me thinking, or simply praying out loud with josh starts the journey back to the core of me. the core of us, too. because we're human, we need grace, God's grace, for each other. after all, i am not perfect and neither is josh! (big gasps of surprise....)
