i say this from the trenches, friends. some of us are excessively sensitive to things that no one should be sensitive to. i can cry at the drop of a hat, it seems. most of the time i recognize the origin of those out-of-control emotions and reel it in. other times i spout off with verbal diarrhea that is offensive and ill-timed and so emotionally driven that it's difficult to discern which parts of what i'm saying are based in fact.
i was once told by a manager at a job that i hated for half a year that i had no right to cry about my hurt feelings because i didn't have a husband who left me alone with nothing and two young sons to raise, therefore i couldn't possibly have it rough. you know what: she was wrong. it's not about comparing your circumstances to mine and passing judgement (or vice versa). we all all come with our own baggage. i'm in my mid-thirties and i still haven't learned how to pack light. and my skin is only slightly thicker than it was when i was at that job a decade ago.
when i mentioned that i work hard all the time in yesterday's blog, i don't think i really touched on all that this entails. i work hard to be the best me and constantly challenge myself to change in this way or that, provided that it means improved quality of life. however, i think much of it has devolved into berating myself for not having accomplished enough to truly achieve the end goal. it sucks to be a perfectionist. but don't you feel too sorry for me (if you are): the blessing these days is that i can recognize the difference between the striving and the bit of self-loathing that rears its head. it's not always realized right away, and that is what makes me falter.
my question to you: what's one hard lesson you've learned about yourself in recent years? let's talk about it. i am eternally curious.
One lesson that I have learned about myself is that when I get scared I push the people I love the most away. I learned this trait from my father and I wish I could have picked up ANYTHING else.
What I have learned is that not only do I hurt those people who care so much about me, but I also hurt myself. I often wish I could go back to different points in my life and undo those moments, so I could have all those beautiful friends back into my life.
One of those people that I have lost, is you, and it saddens me. Everyday, I am still hurt that I hurt you, and I wish I could take it all back. What I did was wrong and selfish, and it is never who I wanted to be. I want to be somebody that people can love and are happy to call their friend. I hope one day, you can find it in your heart to forgive me and know that I am truly sorry for any pain that I caused you. I also hope you are well and know I miss you. I wish we could be friends and that I could go back in time and have realized what an amazing and thoughtful friend I had.
All the best,
L from UB