8 sept 2013

what i want you to understand is that i'm different. and you are different. we are, all of us, different. and i'd have us all meet in the middle somewhere, but it doesn't work like that. not most of the time. hardly part of the time. we bicker about the things that matter to us because we are passionate about our beliefs, but how to express them to others without the Cost. the Cost is lost affection, individual pain, separation from those for whom there is a mutuality of care. put more simply: how does one not become "butt hurt?"

i say this from the trenches, friends. some of us are excessively sensitive to things that no one should be sensitive to. i can cry at the drop of a hat, it seems. most of the time i recognize the origin of those out-of-control emotions and reel it in. other times i spout off with verbal diarrhea that is offensive and ill-timed and so emotionally driven that it's difficult to discern which parts of what i'm saying are based in fact. 

i was once told by a manager at a job that i hated for half a year that i had no right to cry about my hurt feelings because i didn't have a husband who left me alone with nothing and two young sons to raise, therefore i couldn't possibly have it rough. you know what: she was wrong. it's not about comparing your circumstances to mine and passing judgement (or vice versa). we all all come with our own baggage. i'm in my mid-thirties and i still haven't learned how to pack light. and my skin is only slightly thicker than it was when i was at that job a decade ago.

when i mentioned that i work hard all the time in yesterday's blog, i don't think i really touched on all that this entails. i work hard to be the best me and constantly challenge myself to change in this way or that, provided that it means improved quality of life. however, i think much of it has devolved into berating myself for not having accomplished enough to truly achieve the end goal. it sucks to be a perfectionist. but don't you feel too sorry for me (if you are): the blessing these days is that i can recognize the difference between the striving and the bit of self-loathing that rears its head. it's not always realized right away, and that is what makes me falter. 

my question to you: what's one hard lesson you've learned about yourself in recent years? let's talk about it. i am eternally curious.  

1 comment:

  1. Dear furiousmuse,

    One lesson that I have learned about myself is that when I get scared I push the people I love the most away. I learned this trait from my father and I wish I could have picked up ANYTHING else.

    What I have learned is that not only do I hurt those people who care so much about me, but I also hurt myself. I often wish I could go back to different points in my life and undo those moments, so I could have all those beautiful friends back into my life.

    One of those people that I have lost, is you, and it saddens me. Everyday, I am still hurt that I hurt you, and I wish I could take it all back. What I did was wrong and selfish, and it is never who I wanted to be. I want to be somebody that people can love and are happy to call their friend. I hope one day, you can find it in your heart to forgive me and know that I am truly sorry for any pain that I caused you. I also hope you are well and know I miss you. I wish we could be friends and that I could go back in time and have realized what an amazing and thoughtful friend I had.
    All the best,
    L from UB