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i realize now that, as i moved beyond my divorce, i left behind memories and pieces of me that no longer fit with my current self. i left them so far behind that they became unrecognizable--that i became a stranger to my former self. now, i've unearthed what archives of my blog i could find online because my backup was cannibalized during a backup, along with most of my writing. i've skimmed some of the posts during the restoration process and it's been much less painful than i anticipated. then again, it has been a decade.

what comes next (in life/on blog) is still in the works. i stumbled across a list i drafted several years ago of 101 things to do in 1001 days. it was exciting to see how much i'd accomplished or experienced, and it underlined several things that i still want to do.

moxie has settled across my left wrist, which is now pressing uncomfortably into the laptop. this feels like home.

bienvenue! välkommen!

welcome back, furiousmuse.com! i'm going to do something proper with you, but it's weirdly wonderful to have you back in my life after a nearly 3 year hiatus. i've missed you. let's go exploring...

p.s. manual restoration in process, thanks to the wayback machine. good writing, poor writing, and everything in between; i'm me.

5 nov 2017

well, how about that. i'm getting my domain back. this should be interesting.

10 aug 2017

tonight i did not make the turkey casserole. i have all the ingredients, but i got home so late that i simply didn't want to do it. it's the end of the work week, what can i say. i'm over it.

i'm on the brink of buying a domain again. to blog regularly. we'll see, honestly. i'm not totally convinced i want to. but i am amused that godaddy shows my former domain for sale for the nominal fee of $900. that's never going to happen. i'll book 2 flights to new york city before i spend that much on a recreational domain.

9 aug 2017

when i read this today, a moving article about people and cats and who/what one gives time to, i found myself prompted to turn a thoughtful eye on my own life. i admire the author and dear friend who put those thoughts to the page because behind all of it i get the sense that she loves what she does. i don't glamorize the life of a freelancer, nor do i equate satisfaction with the guise of i'm-perpetually-happy: those are two distinct subjects. what i recognize instead is that where one spends time reflects and influences a person's life.

i'm 39.

i'm 39 and i've been divorced for eight-ish years. thank you, state of california, for making that date such a fuzzy target. do i go by the date i petitioned the court? or after the requisite six months passed?

i'm 39 and i'm divorced and i still don't talk about it very openly because who knows the source of my meager web traffic. i'm assuming it's mostly people i personally know or who knew me once. the sparse comments certainly don't contribute to my clarity. but, you know, i'm sure i could offend someone or hurt someone else.

i've done all of that before here. i alienated the best friend who grew up around the corner from me because of a misunderstanding and i've never been able to reconnect with her. i tried. i donated to the cause when she was sick. i was (am) so sorry.

so i chucked my entire blog. the bits and bytes are backed up on a flash drive. memories, apologies, my life in ones and zeros.

i'm 39 and i just took my first self-defense class ever. suddenly i'm thinking on all those things my mother tried to tell me. i'm feeling vulnerable and hesitant about not traveling in pairs from place to place. where's that balance, i wonder? the one that is cautious and careful but lives life fully and isn't intimidated by being alone?

allow me to return to the point, which is life. i'm 39 and independent. i'm strong. i've earned my keep and i have a bonafide career where i get tasked to work on things that occupy my brain to the fullest capacity (but not constantly). i love the work. concurrently, i'm also alone.

at this point i can go a couple of ways. i could tell you about how i reminisced on the past minus all its blemishes (many that i take equal responsibility for, mind you). i could tell you about the pangs of terror at the thought of stepping into 40 under my current set of circumstances. pushing the tears aside though, what i'll tell you is the pervasive nugget of truth in all of this: i persist.

i persist and the tremors of sadness are temporal things that are swept sideways by the deeper truths: i have an amazing companion in the remaining cat from the trio i had eight-ish years ago

**i wrote this in april 12, 2016, but i just stumbled on it today. i hadn't finished my thought at the time, but i'm finally ready to publish it. it's worth mentioning that that backup of my former blog was inadvertently cannibalized when i was backing up my computer about six months ago. i'm sorry it happened, but what is the point in bemoaning the loss? so many things were eaten up then, save those files i'd bothered to care for: my photos and my music. interestingly, my notes and papers from paralegal classes survived, but none of my writing. zero.

it's time to start again.

3 feb 2016

what's the thing that drives you? give your time and your energy to that thing. make it a priority.

on the heels of about 80 minutes at the piano, i know that i've found it. being able to play freely for the first time in years without concern over disrupting someone else is undoubtably the best thing for my health. one neighbor has complimented my playing, the other hasn't made a single peep about it. i've played mozart, moszkowski, and martin cuellar. i've practiced scales and done hanon exercises. i've sightread bartok. if something's going to give, it'll likely happen now and not several months from now. i'm lucky that the only thing under my apartment is a garage, because i think that is where the sound has the most potential for intrusion.

what gives with all the piano playing? i'm making large plans, my friends: a year from now, i'm giving a concert. recital? i haven't decided what the appropriate term is. i'm having this thing. i'm going to invite friends and i'm going to play piano. there a nervous anticipation brewing in my chest just dreaming about it. will i be able to collaborate with fellow musicians? because that sounds like so much fun. if not for this performance, it's certainly something to aspire to.

the dust has settled. i've almost been in this place for six months and for a while i didn't know what was next. in fact, i'm sure i had more than one conversation along the lines of "what do you do?" wherein i replied, "well, i go to work, come home, read, pet my cat, cook. and i'm not sure what else i want to do at this point, but i'm really happy." i knew that wouldn't last forever, and i'm grateful to have something to work on.

also, i'm still rather happy.

17 jan 2016

i'm trying to be less of a perfectionist.

to that end, i might actually go back in time and restore my old blog data (if i can figure out how to do that) sometime down the line.

as i find myself blogging more frequently, i'm learning to be patient with the amount of time it is taking to rediscover my voice. i find my words deficient in their communication; looking back at some posts makes me want to cringe--or hit delete.

i stay inside on a beautiful sunny day because i just can't settle on what i should be doing if i go outside. social paralysis is an overstatement, but when i have options at my fingertips and barely move from my living room, i don't know if i can say i'm enjoying my life to the fullest. (if you hadn't guessed, i'm talking about today.)

i could have gone to the grocery store, the gas station (even less glamorous), the movie theater, the library, the local hiking trail.... what did i do? well, i cleaned for about two hours this morning, and then i went to brunch with a friend, and then i came home and watched downton abbey. oh! i should mention i played piano for a while and phoned my parents. i don't mean to imply that it's been a total waste of a day--it hasn't--but i just think that i could have done better.

the perfectionist in me wants to constantly rewrite and edit until i have the clearest and bestest meaning conveyed that words can communicate. is that really the way to live a life? instead, how about don't apologize for being yourself. i will always strive to improve, but arguably some imperfect communication/blogging is better than none.

11 jan 2016

so many people have memorialized David Bowie so poignantly today.... for me, it was Bowie all day long in my earbuds. i sampled a musical education that i wish i'd taken the time to get much earlier as i have never been well versed in his discography. do yourself a favor: have a listen.

what did i learn? David Bowie was immensely talented (surely an understatement). five decades of albums means that he fully explored the diversity of musical genres. i assure you, if you don't find something you like then it's your own damn fault.

here are my highlights from today's exploration. reader, do share a favorite or four in the comments so that i make sure to give it a listen.

10 jan 2016

today is a race against myself: a day of uber-productivity. i haven't done much yet: i've composed two separate "To Do" lists, eaten breakfast, listened to some podcasts, emptied the trash, watched an episode of downton abbey, ordered acoustic foam to stuff into my soundboard...you don't want a list, do you?

i also woke from a very intense dream about taking piano lessons and prepping for a concert that was a week away.

what am i doing writing all this though: it's time to get those errands run!

5 jan 2016

i'm taking charge this month in some key areas that have been neglected.

1. write more. this blog will get improve, and there will be some non-blog-related writing as well. 
2. self care. a balanced life approach incorporating more sleep and exercise (stretch, strengthen, bike, yoga). and maybe a little more discipline in terms of prepping my own food as i certainly prefer it. i'd like to save dining out for special occasions, not because i was lazy and didn't pack my lunch. 
3. feline care. an appointment is on the calendar. poor moxie will have to tolerate a 45 minute drive to my favorite vet.*
4. make music. my piano is set to be tuned on friday. my neighbors have no idea what they're in for. 

i think that's enough to start, don't you?

*i feel like quality is so valuable these days. i drive an hour to get my hair cut, why scrimp on veterinary care? the doctor in town that i went to for mango was amazing, but palliative care was minimal and reasonably priced. when updating moxie's shots there was a discussion about dental care and the quote was simply off the charts. the excellent bedside manner and staff's empathy throughout the euthanization process aside, i see no reason to go back there and pay double what i would at my former office. it bears mentioning that i've known that veterinarian since 1998 and trust her implicitly.
do you go the distance far for quality service, products, or other things? tell me about it!

4 jan 2016

tonight i baked salted vanilla toffee cookies. i love the salty sweetness that this recipe brings. in my version i played around with the salt and found the best flavor when sprinkling the raw dough balls with kosher salt instead of sea salt. i'm bringing about 4 dozen cookies to the office tomorrow: i'm tired.

*update: no more cookies (except the few i stashed in my freezer). success!

2 jan 2016

2015 treated me fine: continuing a job i love, the new apartment that prompted me to donate my stash of boxes, amazing memories with family and friends alike. there were downturns along the way that promoted varying degrees of tears: the death of a beloved pet, a good friend moving away, missing out on a long-standing plan to watch the new star wars film with my sister's family. this is life, is it not? it goes up and down in no predictable order and when a year rises like a phoenix from the ashes of the previous (too grandiose an image?) i find myself wondering if i'm supposed to be doing something else.

i've wondered what's next since i moved in august. the clock hanging in the kitchen loudly announces the passing seconds. i love my work. i can't seem to find a piano tuner. none of this is causing me anxiety and yet somewhere in the background i feel like i should be anxious about something.

since getting divorced roughly eight years ago, i have fought to find my place, my self. i've looked back at what happened, tried to understand my part in the dissolution of a nearly ten year relationship, and have pushed myself to continually grow. 2013 was a landmark year in that regard, primarily because i landed the role that birthed the Dream Job. after nine months in one department, a spot opened up on my current team. on any given day i look back and am flooded with gratitude.

for me, inner peace begins with my ability to provide personal stability. life's got some rough edges and kinks, sure, but the view is just fine. let me tell you what it looks like:

it's a saturday night and i'm home. i'm winding down from hosting one of my favorite people (the same one who moved away). my cat moxie is loafing it up on the sofa as i've decided to blog on my laptop. i napped here earlier, following a two-ish hour walk with a friend by the beach and a delicious thai lunch. i have food in my fridge, tea in my cupboard, and downton abby queued up so i can finally see what all the fuss has been about. i ordered some sundries from target because i would rather shop online most days. there are four library books scattered throughout my living room, both fiction and nonfiction. they are: the girl in the spider's web [lagercrantz], just a corpse at twilight [van de wetering], words without music [glass], and dalton trumbo: blacklisted hollywood radical [ceplair and trumbo]. all of this contributes to my overwhelming contentedness.

i'm going to enjoy it (life/2016). i worked tirelessly to earn this: bachelor's in '08, paralegal in '13, interviews, nine moves in eight years.... there's a month of overtime coming up, so i may not really get moving on personally planning things until february. my goals on the horizon include the grand and the small: travel, tuning the piano for the first time in nearly three years (followed by regular playing), writing, cycling, reading, hiking, cooking, baking. it's my year to do as i want to and i'm looking forward.

18 oct 2015

i got the news on friday and i've been catching giant sighs in my lungs ever since. my namesake, and someone who i've grown very close to over the past few years, is moving north.

i'm learning the nuance of adult friendships. the intensity of my connection to another at a given moment is a bit of a moving target based on a variety of factors. however, nothing highlights closeness like the threat of inaccessibility and by the time thanksgiving rolls around there will be seven hours between us rather than half an hour.

i'm sitting on a mixture of joy and sadness. it's extremely hard to write about it. 

18 nov 2014

intimacy.

the word that generally prompts a discussion about sex, but it means so much more than that. intimacy is a degree of closeness. intimacy is wiping up bodily fluids. 

mango is sick. he's had intestinal lymphoma since april. about a week ago i noticed a decline in his appetite. on saturday i'd had enough and stepped out into my new neighborhood to try a new vet. after the dance of phone calls and faxes netted mango's records in the hands of a new doctor, i voiced my concerns.

my new vet: he is an expert in bedside manner and understands where i'm at. more importantly, he understands where i am at with mango. knowing that my cat's prognosis is terminal is something that's been in the back of my mind since the diagnosis. however, now it's getting real: weight loss. a liver panel that's off the charts. untouched cat food. morning/evening pill routines. 

there's more intimacy. more bodily fluids. it there's anything that draws attention to how much i care for mango, it's the willingness and concern over every spot of vomit that ends up on my floor. humorous as that may sound, i mean it with absolute seriousness. 

i abhor this part in life--the death part. more importantly, i hate the decline that precedes death in all living creatures. for pets, there's a widely accepted path where euthanasia enters into the picture. it's almost expected. i hate that this is the next step that looms over my head: deciding when the quality of life has declined as far as i will allow it. i interpret behavior--there's no way for mango to voice when he's had enough of the pills and the vomit. 

until i read that message from him, i'll pet and caress his soft fur (and take some video--thanks, e), enjoy him snuggling with me at bedtime, gladly bow my head for numerous bunting episodes, and make sure the shades are open so he can bask in the morning sunlight.

11 june 2014

last month i told you a soft, shiny story about cycling. i touched on a bit of fear-conquering. riding is still incredibly new to me, and each week that passes means that the shiny luster becomes colored by reality more and more.

i wish i knew where to start with this. as happens to me with something that is both new and close to my heart, i want to say everything. for your sake, i'll aim to stay focused.

where i live right now, in south orange county, we know nothing about cycling or being bicycle-friendly. no, really. i understand that certain municipalities (*cough*irvine*cough*) are laying down better infrastructure to improve road conditions. i do not disregard their efforts. but how many tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands (i just checked: as of 2012, irvine boasted a population of over 229,000 individuals) of cars pass through that city every day? how many are residents versus commuters? how many of them ride bikes? how many of them understand what cyclists do to negotiate traffic on the streets?

last week i took a class in traffic safety for cyclists which was designed by the league of american bicyclists. i've had my driver license for about 22 years and before that workshop, i didn't know much of any of the laws that apply to cyclists who are riding on the streets. i didn't know the safety maneuvers, i didn't understand when we can (and should) "take the lane," and i certainly didn't appreciate what it meant to be on the road with such little protection between me and a speeding hunk of metal.

let me be clear: i've experienced my fair share of indignation at what other drivers do while i am driving my car, which i have taken as a personal afront. i know it is wrong to take offense to poor driving skills as 1) that other person is a stranger and 2) i am an equal offender, either by intent or accident. we all piss each other off now and again.

it is a wholly different experience to be an indignant cyclist: it is humbling. it is terrifying.

(if you're reading this, mom and dad, now would be a good time for you to wander over to youtube for some cat videos. i really think it's for your own good. i know you probably won't, human nature being what it is [curious], but don't say i didn't try to deter you.)

i've been riding since the middle of february, and i got my road bike in the middle of april. in that timeframe, there have already been three separate instances where i've felt threatened by a car's behavior. that's an incredibly brief span in the life of the average cyclist. two of those instances occurred this week. each time i want to yell at the driver, "hey! don't you see me? don't be such an asshole!"

one point i'm driving at is the general lack of courtesy we give each other on the road. not only in the car-to-rider relationship, but in the car-to-car relationship. we are, to broadly generalize, impatient, self-absorbed, and distracted. this modern age has flooded us with information and input from every direction that it's a wonder we can even remember how to talk to each other. hey, i've gotten a cell phone ticket...and i should have gotten much more: i was texting while driving back to work in a manual shift car and trying to eat a chipotle burrito while on my lunch break. it sounds funny only because no one got hurt. but really, it's terrifying and who i am today is embarrassed by me two years ago.

the thing is, on a bicycle, everything is amplified--it is wholly different from driving a car. i have never felt more vulnerable than when i am riding on the streets i have driven so many times. how can this change? it's not only educating riders on how to properly navigate the roads, but it means educating drivers on the fact that we are permitted to use the street too.

i'm just beginning to sort this all out, but i will say that i've stumbled into something which is so much bigger than i am and which i want to champion.

safe riding!

11 may 2014

it's that time during an otherwise amazingly eventful weekend when i start to feel a little bit melancholy & lonely. i'm watching/listening to chvrches on tv--recorded from when they broadcast selections from coachella on tv--and feeling hungry and tired. mango has passed out on the coffee table after a hearty dinner during which he ate some of the food that contained the new medicine he's on which is supposed to help with some of his digestive distress. it's been a struggle--he's still got his sense of taste and smell, and this tylosin powder has been difficult to disguise.

this weekend was really amazing. i rode with some friends in the 30-mile leg of the tour of long beach. as i ramp up my newfound passion for cycling, i am constantly surprising myself. i don't think i've liked something quite as much as this since i was in school, and even then this isn't comparable to studying for a degree or certificate. i'm learning in such a different capacity--it's head and heart and body all rolled into one. i've never been particularly athletic, but this...this really feels like living to me. the physicality of it, combined with the fear-conquering, is invigorating.

the fear? on april 15 (a tuesday), i crashed on my mountain bike and was thrown into a fence. i have a bruise that is still healing on my shin and another just below my knee. i took a break. then on saturday i walked into a local bike shop, hung out for a couple of hours checking out a couple of bikes, and walked out with a road bike. go big or go home, right?

just like a musician flourishes on a quality instrument, i've stepped up my game on my new pair of wheels. i graduated from a heavy beast with knobby tires to a lithe, aluminum creature with skinny wheels and clipless pedals. i've bought the padded lycra shorts, lights, insulated arm sleeves...accessories galore. it seems like there are a million things out there to make the ride better or more comfortable. i'm signing up for an urban cycling workshop, joining a local cycling club, and planning future ride events that will garner medals and memories galore. i've found my happy place.

tell me, what's yours?

20 apr 2014

dear new york,

i've been in denial for a bit now, ever since i got the news nearly two weeks ago diagnosing mango with lymphoma. i have been looking forward to seeing you for quite some time, especially because i was so in love with you two years ago that i teared up on the flight home.

can you believe how life changes? it's not surprising, but i think the pacing of things still stuns me at times. last night, as i was talking to my parents about you, my dad pipes up: "i thought you weren't going." i got really quiet because there was no hiding from the truth of the matter.

you see, mango may have as few as six weeks left, and if i am to assess things by the bare minimum, then i can't really justify being gone for nine days. there's really no way to know his exact life-expectancy, of course, but i'm just not comfortable leaving him right now.

i wish there was another way. it's not just missing you, new york, it's missing all my friends too. i know you understand. i know they understand.

and, can i add: what is it about this decision that robs me of any grace i might have when writing about it? i feel like an automaton right now, but i assure you: i am not without feeling about this. is this what others experience when difficult news stares them in the face? i've been behaving badly, for all i know. what i really mean is that i feel guilty for being selfish: selfish every time i think about the cost of this news. not only financial, but emotional as well.

good grief, the rest is just gibberish in my head. at any rate, i know you get it. i don't know when i'll be back, but i'll see you on my next visit when i can be worry-free.

love,
sara

11 apr 2014

when i found out the news on tuesday, i was already en route from work to the vet to pick up mango from his series of tests. somewhere on the southbound five, i kept breathing, kept driving, listening as dr. mckee went through the x-rays and the ultrasound. "enlarged lymph node," she said. "thickening of the bowels." lymphoma. lymphoid sarcoma. i listened intently, but it was more for the tone of her voice than the news she was delivering.

dr. mckee has a uniquely calming tone, and i've always found it reassuring. i guess that's what happens when you know a veterinarian for 16 years. we've been through this before, so i trust her implicitly.

i've been through this before. i trust myself implicitly, though gingerly, with the knowledge that i gained when monty was diagnosed just over 4 years ago. these days i spend time talking to anyone who will listen. to the girl at work who i've never opened up to, who mentioned the word pet hair and got the "i just found out my cat has cancer" outpouring, thank you for listening. for the phone call from nyc in the middle of my work day--thank you, erin. i'm so glad i work a job where i can walk away from my desk anytime without a bunch of questioning glances from management. for the picture of a mango with the words "FUCK CANCER" that ended up on my facebook wall today, thank you lauren. for the texts and the messages and the talks from countless others, for my loving family, i am so thankful for all of you for being here for me right now. i want you to know it means so much to me.

mango continues to lose weight. he's at 13 pounds now (if my scale can be trusted), while he was around 16.2 about 15 months ago. his appetite is diminishing despite the prednisone, and he's picked out a new spot to lay down in my room. the change in behavior and weight loss make me itch because i draw comparisons to my prior experience with monty. my heart is breaking and this is the first time i've slowed down all week to really let myself feel it. i had a brief time of it on tuesday, yelling and angry in my car as i maneuvered safely down alicia parkway. i wanted to get rid of as much negativity as possible before i saw mango. i want him to feel safe and loved and comfortable...

...for the rest of his life.

photo credit: l. skantze, 4.21.11

09 apr 2014

here i am again, dear friends and readers. life's been keeping me busy, and things that i set forth to do months ago (reviewing the entire coachella lineup, i'm looking at you) have been set aside time and again as more important things took priority. i've been having a lot of fun.

yesterday, time stood still as i learned once again that i am facing life with a cat that has cancer.

maybe i'll find my voice about this and share it with you, but for now i'm regrouping.

17 feb 2014

yesterday i visited endeavor at the california science center in los angeles.

science stupefies me. i think i would do much better in school these days given my general interest in the world i live in. as a teenager, i think i was too short-sighted and self-focused to see very far beyond my own circumference of occupied earth. nowadays it's like, "SCIENCE!" that and i pay much more attention to bill nye the science guy.

i highly recommend this, if you are even the tiniest bit interested in space. do this and then go see the 3-D Imax movie about the Hubble Space Telescope. your itty-bitty world/mind will be forever changed. i ended up rounding out the day with the movie "gravity," and i can tell you that it was truly a perfect day. let's hear it for Science!