i'm trying to be less of a perfectionist.
to that end, i might actually go back in time and restore my old blog data (if i can figure out how to do that) sometime down the line.
as i find myself blogging more frequently, i'm learning to be patient with the amount of time it is taking to rediscover my voice. i find my words deficient in their communication; looking back at some posts makes me want to cringe--or hit delete.
i stay inside on a beautiful sunny day because i just can't settle on what i should be doing if i go outside. social paralysis is an overstatement, but when i have options at my fingertips and barely move from my living room, i don't know if i can say i'm enjoying my life to the fullest. (if you hadn't guessed, i'm talking about today.)
i could have gone to the grocery store, the gas station (even less glamorous), the movie theater, the library, the local hiking trail.... what did i do? well, i cleaned for about two hours this morning, and then i went to brunch with a friend, and then i came home and watched downton abbey. oh! i should mention i played piano for a while and phoned my parents. i don't mean to imply that it's been a total waste of a day--it hasn't--but i just think that i could have done better.
the perfectionist in me wants to constantly rewrite and edit until i have the clearest and bestest meaning conveyed that words can communicate. is that really the way to live a life? instead, how about don't apologize for being yourself. i will always strive to improve, but arguably some imperfect communication/blogging is better than none.
1.17.2016
1.11.2016
11 jan 2016
so many people have memorialized David Bowie so poignantly today.... for me, it was Bowie all day long in my earbuds. i sampled a musical education that i wish i'd taken the time to get much earlier as i have never been well versed in his discography. do yourself a favor: have a listen.
what did i learn? David Bowie was immensely talented (surely an understatement). five decades of albums means that he fully explored the diversity of musical genres. i assure you, if you don't find something you like then it's your own damn fault.
here are my highlights from today's exploration. reader, do share a favorite or four in the comments so that i make sure to give it a listen.
what did i learn? David Bowie was immensely talented (surely an understatement). five decades of albums means that he fully explored the diversity of musical genres. i assure you, if you don't find something you like then it's your own damn fault.
here are my highlights from today's exploration. reader, do share a favorite or four in the comments so that i make sure to give it a listen.
1.10.2016
10 jan 2016
today is a race against myself: a day of uber-productivity. i haven't done much yet: i've composed two separate "To Do" lists, eaten breakfast, listened to some podcasts, emptied the trash, watched an episode of downton abbey, ordered acoustic foam to stuff into my soundboard...you don't want a list, do you?
i also woke from a very intense dream about taking piano lessons and prepping for a concert that was a week away.
what am i doing writing all this though: it's time to get those errands run!
i also woke from a very intense dream about taking piano lessons and prepping for a concert that was a week away.
what am i doing writing all this though: it's time to get those errands run!
1.05.2016
5 jan 2016
i'm taking charge this month in some key areas that have been neglected.
i think that's enough to start, don't you?
*i feel like quality is so valuable these days. i drive an hour to get my hair cut, why scrimp on veterinary care? the doctor in town that i went to for mango was amazing, but palliative care was minimal and reasonably priced. when updating moxie's shots there was a discussion about dental care and the quote was simply off the charts. the excellent bedside manner and staff's empathy throughout the euthanization process aside, i see no reason to go back there and pay double what i would at my former office. it bears mentioning that i've known that veterinarian since 1998 and trust her implicitly.
do you go the distance far for quality service, products, or other things? tell me about it!
- write more. this blog will get improve, and there will be some non-blog-related writing as well.
- self care. a balanced life approach incorporating more sleep and exercise (stretch, strengthen, bike, yoga). and maybe a little more discipline in terms of prepping my own food as i certainly prefer it. i'd like to save dining out for special occasions, not because i was lazy and didn't pack my lunch.
- feline care. an appointment is on the calendar. poor moxie will have to tolerate a 45 minute drive to my favorite vet.*
- make music. my piano is set to be tuned on friday. my neighbors have no idea what they're in for.
i think that's enough to start, don't you?
*i feel like quality is so valuable these days. i drive an hour to get my hair cut, why scrimp on veterinary care? the doctor in town that i went to for mango was amazing, but palliative care was minimal and reasonably priced. when updating moxie's shots there was a discussion about dental care and the quote was simply off the charts. the excellent bedside manner and staff's empathy throughout the euthanization process aside, i see no reason to go back there and pay double what i would at my former office. it bears mentioning that i've known that veterinarian since 1998 and trust her implicitly.
do you go the distance far for quality service, products, or other things? tell me about it!
1.04.2016
4 jan 2016
tonight i baked salted vanilla toffee cookies. i love the salty sweetness that this recipe brings. in my version i played around with the salt and found the best flavor when sprinkling the raw dough balls with kosher salt instead of sea salt. i'm bringing about 4 dozen cookies to the office tomorrow: i'm tired.
*update: no more cookies (except the few i stashed in my freezer). success!
*update: no more cookies (except the few i stashed in my freezer). success!
1.02.2016
2 jan 2016
2015 treated me fine: continuing a job i love, the new apartment that prompted me to donate my stash of boxes, amazing memories with family and friends alike. there were downturns along the way that promoted varying degrees of tears: the death of a beloved pet, a good friend moving away, missing out on a long-standing plan to watch the new star wars film with my sister's family. this is life, is it not? it goes up and down in no predictable order and when a year rises like a phoenix from the ashes of the previous (too grandiose an image?) i find myself wondering if i'm supposed to be doing something else.
i've wondered what's next since i moved in august. the clock hanging in the kitchen loudly announces the passing seconds. i love my work. i can't seem to find a piano tuner. none of this is causing me anxiety and yet somewhere in the background i feel like i should be anxious about something.
since getting divorced roughly eight years ago, i have fought to find my place, my self. i've looked back at what happened, tried to understand my part in the dissolution of a nearly ten year relationship, and have pushed myself to continually grow. 2013 was a landmark year in that regard, primarily because i landed the role that birthed the Dream Job. after nine months in one department, a spot opened up on my current team. on any given day i look back and am flooded with gratitude.
for me, inner peace begins with my ability to provide personal stability. life's got some rough edges and kinks, sure, but the view is just fine. let me tell you what it looks like:
it's a saturday night and i'm home. i'm winding down from hosting one of my favorite people (the same one who moved away). my cat moxie is loafing it up on the sofa as i've decided to blog on my laptop. i napped here earlier, following a two-ish hour walk with a friend by the beach and a delicious thai lunch. i have food in my fridge, tea in my cupboard, and downton abby queued up so i can finally see what all the fuss has been about. i ordered some sundries from target because i would rather shop online most days. there are four library books scattered throughout my living room, both fiction and nonfiction. they are: the girl in the spider's web [lagercrantz], just a corpse at twilight [van de wetering], words without music [glass], and dalton trumbo: blacklisted hollywood radical [ceplair and trumbo]. all of this contributes to my overwhelming contentedness.
i'm going to enjoy it (life/2016). i worked tirelessly to earn this: bachelor's in '08, paralegal in '13, interviews, nine moves in eight years.... there's a month of overtime coming up, so i may not really get moving on personally planning things until february. my goals on the horizon include the grand and the small: travel, tuning the piano for the first time in nearly three years (followed by regular playing), writing, cycling, reading, hiking, cooking, baking. it's my year to do as i want to and i'm looking forward.
i've wondered what's next since i moved in august. the clock hanging in the kitchen loudly announces the passing seconds. i love my work. i can't seem to find a piano tuner. none of this is causing me anxiety and yet somewhere in the background i feel like i should be anxious about something.
since getting divorced roughly eight years ago, i have fought to find my place, my self. i've looked back at what happened, tried to understand my part in the dissolution of a nearly ten year relationship, and have pushed myself to continually grow. 2013 was a landmark year in that regard, primarily because i landed the role that birthed the Dream Job. after nine months in one department, a spot opened up on my current team. on any given day i look back and am flooded with gratitude.
for me, inner peace begins with my ability to provide personal stability. life's got some rough edges and kinks, sure, but the view is just fine. let me tell you what it looks like:
it's a saturday night and i'm home. i'm winding down from hosting one of my favorite people (the same one who moved away). my cat moxie is loafing it up on the sofa as i've decided to blog on my laptop. i napped here earlier, following a two-ish hour walk with a friend by the beach and a delicious thai lunch. i have food in my fridge, tea in my cupboard, and downton abby queued up so i can finally see what all the fuss has been about. i ordered some sundries from target because i would rather shop online most days. there are four library books scattered throughout my living room, both fiction and nonfiction. they are: the girl in the spider's web [lagercrantz], just a corpse at twilight [van de wetering], words without music [glass], and dalton trumbo: blacklisted hollywood radical [ceplair and trumbo]. all of this contributes to my overwhelming contentedness.
i'm going to enjoy it (life/2016). i worked tirelessly to earn this: bachelor's in '08, paralegal in '13, interviews, nine moves in eight years.... there's a month of overtime coming up, so i may not really get moving on personally planning things until february. my goals on the horizon include the grand and the small: travel, tuning the piano for the first time in nearly three years (followed by regular playing), writing, cycling, reading, hiking, cooking, baking. it's my year to do as i want to and i'm looking forward.
10.18.2015
18 oct 2015
i got the news on friday and i've been catching giant sighs in my lungs ever since. my namesake, and someone who i've grown very close to over the past few years, is moving north.
i'm learning the nuance of adult friendships. the intensity of my connection to another at a given moment is a bit of a moving target based on a variety of factors. however, nothing highlights closeness like the threat of inaccessibility and by the time thanksgiving rolls around there will be seven hours between us rather than half an hour.
i'm sitting on a mixture of joy and sadness. it's extremely hard to write about it.
i'm sitting on a mixture of joy and sadness. it's extremely hard to write about it.
11.18.2014
18 nov 2014
intimacy.
the word that generally prompts a discussion about sex, but it means so much more than that. intimacy is a degree of closeness. intimacy is wiping up bodily fluids.
mango is sick. he's had intestinal lymphoma since april. about a week ago i noticed a decline in his appetite. on saturday i'd had enough and stepped out into my new neighborhood to try a new vet. after the dance of phone calls and faxes netted mango's records in the hands of a new doctor, i voiced my concerns.
my new vet: he is an expert in bedside manner and understands where i'm at. more importantly, he understands where i am at with mango. knowing that my cat's prognosis is terminal is something that's been in the back of my mind since the diagnosis. however, now it's getting real: weight loss. a liver panel that's off the charts. untouched cat food. morning/evening pill routines.
there's more intimacy. more bodily fluids. it there's anything that draws attention to how much i care for mango, it's the willingness and concern over every spot of vomit that ends up on my floor. humorous as that may sound, i mean it with absolute seriousness.
i abhor this part in life--the death part. more importantly, i hate the decline that precedes death in all living creatures. for pets, there's a widely accepted path where euthanasia enters into the picture. it's almost expected. i hate that this is the next step that looms over my head: deciding when the quality of life has declined as far as i will allow it. i interpret behavior--there's no way for mango to voice when he's had enough of the pills and the vomit.
until i read that message from him, i'll pet and caress his soft fur (and take some video--thanks, e), enjoy him snuggling with me at bedtime, gladly bow my head for numerous bunting episodes, and make sure the shades are open so he can bask in the morning sunlight.
6.11.2014
11 june 2014
last month i told you a soft, shiny story about cycling. i touched on a bit of fear-conquering. riding is still incredibly new to me, and each week that passes means that the shiny luster becomes colored by reality more and more.
i wish i knew where to start with this. as happens to me with something that is both new and close to my heart, i want to say everything. for your sake, i'll aim to stay focused.
where i live right now, in south orange county, we know nothing about cycling or being bicycle-friendly. no, really. i understand that certain municipalities (*cough*irvine*cough*) are laying down better infrastructure to improve road conditions. i do not disregard their efforts. but how many tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands (i just checked: as of 2012, irvine boasted a population of over 229,000 individuals) of cars pass through that city every day? how many are residents versus commuters? how many of them ride bikes? how many of them understand what cyclists do to negotiate traffic on the streets?
last week i took a class in traffic safety for cyclists which was designed by the league of american bicyclists. i've had my driver license for about 22 years and before that workshop, i didn't know much of any of the laws that apply to cyclists who are riding on the streets. i didn't know the safety maneuvers, i didn't understand when we can (and should) "take the lane," and i certainly didn't appreciate what it meant to be on the road with such little protection between me and a speeding hunk of metal.
let me be clear: i've experienced my fair share of indignation at what other drivers do while i am driving my car, which i have taken as a personal afront. i know it is wrong to take offense to poor driving skills as 1) that other person is a stranger and 2) i am an equal offender, either by intent or accident. we all piss each other off now and again.
it is a wholly different experience to be an indignant cyclist: it is humbling. it is terrifying.
(if you're reading this, mom and dad, now would be a good time for you to wander over to youtube for some cat videos. i really think it's for your own good. i know you probably won't, human nature being what it is [curious], but don't say i didn't try to deter you.)
i've been riding since the middle of february, and i got my road bike in the middle of april. in that timeframe, there have already been three separate instances where i've felt threatened by a car's behavior. that's an incredibly brief span in the life of the average cyclist. two of those instances occurred this week. each time i want to yell at the driver, "hey! don't you see me? don't be such an asshole!"
one point i'm driving at is the general lack of courtesy we give each other on the road. not only in the car-to-rider relationship, but in the car-to-car relationship. we are, to broadly generalize, impatient, self-absorbed, and distracted. this modern age has flooded us with information and input from every direction that it's a wonder we can even remember how to talk to each other. hey, i've gotten a cell phone ticket...and i should have gotten much more: i was texting while driving back to work in a manual shift car and trying to eat a chipotle burrito while on my lunch break. it sounds funny only because no one got hurt. but really, it's terrifying and who i am today is embarrassed by me two years ago.
the thing is, on a bicycle, everything is amplified--it is wholly different from driving a car. i have never felt more vulnerable than when i am riding on the streets i have driven so many times. how can this change? it's not only educating riders on how to properly navigate the roads, but it means educating drivers on the fact that we are permitted to use the street too.
i'm just beginning to sort this all out, but i will say that i've stumbled into something which is so much bigger than i am and which i want to champion.
safe riding!
i wish i knew where to start with this. as happens to me with something that is both new and close to my heart, i want to say everything. for your sake, i'll aim to stay focused.
where i live right now, in south orange county, we know nothing about cycling or being bicycle-friendly. no, really. i understand that certain municipalities (*cough*irvine*cough*) are laying down better infrastructure to improve road conditions. i do not disregard their efforts. but how many tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands (i just checked: as of 2012, irvine boasted a population of over 229,000 individuals) of cars pass through that city every day? how many are residents versus commuters? how many of them ride bikes? how many of them understand what cyclists do to negotiate traffic on the streets?
last week i took a class in traffic safety for cyclists which was designed by the league of american bicyclists. i've had my driver license for about 22 years and before that workshop, i didn't know much of any of the laws that apply to cyclists who are riding on the streets. i didn't know the safety maneuvers, i didn't understand when we can (and should) "take the lane," and i certainly didn't appreciate what it meant to be on the road with such little protection between me and a speeding hunk of metal.
let me be clear: i've experienced my fair share of indignation at what other drivers do while i am driving my car, which i have taken as a personal afront. i know it is wrong to take offense to poor driving skills as 1) that other person is a stranger and 2) i am an equal offender, either by intent or accident. we all piss each other off now and again.
it is a wholly different experience to be an indignant cyclist: it is humbling. it is terrifying.
(if you're reading this, mom and dad, now would be a good time for you to wander over to youtube for some cat videos. i really think it's for your own good. i know you probably won't, human nature being what it is [curious], but don't say i didn't try to deter you.)
i've been riding since the middle of february, and i got my road bike in the middle of april. in that timeframe, there have already been three separate instances where i've felt threatened by a car's behavior. that's an incredibly brief span in the life of the average cyclist. two of those instances occurred this week. each time i want to yell at the driver, "hey! don't you see me? don't be such an asshole!"
one point i'm driving at is the general lack of courtesy we give each other on the road. not only in the car-to-rider relationship, but in the car-to-car relationship. we are, to broadly generalize, impatient, self-absorbed, and distracted. this modern age has flooded us with information and input from every direction that it's a wonder we can even remember how to talk to each other. hey, i've gotten a cell phone ticket...and i should have gotten much more: i was texting while driving back to work in a manual shift car and trying to eat a chipotle burrito while on my lunch break. it sounds funny only because no one got hurt. but really, it's terrifying and who i am today is embarrassed by me two years ago.
the thing is, on a bicycle, everything is amplified--it is wholly different from driving a car. i have never felt more vulnerable than when i am riding on the streets i have driven so many times. how can this change? it's not only educating riders on how to properly navigate the roads, but it means educating drivers on the fact that we are permitted to use the street too.
i'm just beginning to sort this all out, but i will say that i've stumbled into something which is so much bigger than i am and which i want to champion.
safe riding!
5.11.2014
11 may 2014
it's that time during an otherwise amazingly eventful weekend when i start to feel a little bit melancholy & lonely. i'm watching/listening to chvrches on tv--recorded from when they broadcast selections from coachella on tv--and feeling hungry and tired. mango has passed out on the coffee table after a hearty dinner during which he ate some of the food that contained the new medicine he's on which is supposed to help with some of his digestive distress. it's been a struggle--he's still got his sense of taste and smell, and this tylosin powder has been difficult to disguise.
this weekend was really amazing. i rode with some friends in the 30-mile leg of the tour of long beach. as i ramp up my newfound passion for cycling, i am constantly surprising myself. i don't think i've liked something quite as much as this since i was in school, and even then this isn't comparable to studying for a degree or certificate. i'm learning in such a different capacity--it's head and heart and body all rolled into one. i've never been particularly athletic, but this...this really feels like living to me. the physicality of it, combined with the fear-conquering, is invigorating.
the fear? on april 15 (a tuesday), i crashed on my mountain bike and was thrown into a fence. i have a bruise that is still healing on my shin and another just below my knee. i took a break. then on saturday i walked into a local bike shop, hung out for a couple of hours checking out a couple of bikes, and walked out with a road bike. go big or go home, right?
just like a musician flourishes on a quality instrument, i've stepped up my game on my new pair of wheels. i graduated from a heavy beast with knobby tires to a lithe, aluminum creature with skinny wheels and clipless pedals. i've bought the padded lycra shorts, lights, insulated arm sleeves...accessories galore. it seems like there are a million things out there to make the ride better or more comfortable. i'm signing up for an urban cycling workshop, joining a local cycling club, and planning future ride events that will garner medals and memories galore. i've found my happy place.
tell me, what's yours?
this weekend was really amazing. i rode with some friends in the 30-mile leg of the tour of long beach. as i ramp up my newfound passion for cycling, i am constantly surprising myself. i don't think i've liked something quite as much as this since i was in school, and even then this isn't comparable to studying for a degree or certificate. i'm learning in such a different capacity--it's head and heart and body all rolled into one. i've never been particularly athletic, but this...this really feels like living to me. the physicality of it, combined with the fear-conquering, is invigorating.
the fear? on april 15 (a tuesday), i crashed on my mountain bike and was thrown into a fence. i have a bruise that is still healing on my shin and another just below my knee. i took a break. then on saturday i walked into a local bike shop, hung out for a couple of hours checking out a couple of bikes, and walked out with a road bike. go big or go home, right?
just like a musician flourishes on a quality instrument, i've stepped up my game on my new pair of wheels. i graduated from a heavy beast with knobby tires to a lithe, aluminum creature with skinny wheels and clipless pedals. i've bought the padded lycra shorts, lights, insulated arm sleeves...accessories galore. it seems like there are a million things out there to make the ride better or more comfortable. i'm signing up for an urban cycling workshop, joining a local cycling club, and planning future ride events that will garner medals and memories galore. i've found my happy place.
tell me, what's yours?
4.20.2014
20 apr 2014
dear new york,
i've been in denial for a bit now, ever since i got the news nearly two weeks ago diagnosing mango with lymphoma. i have been looking forward to seeing you for quite some time, especially because i was so in love with you two years ago that i teared up on the flight home.
can you believe how life changes? it's not surprising, but i think the pacing of things still stuns me at times. last night, as i was talking to my parents about you, my dad pipes up: "i thought you weren't going." i got really quiet because there was no hiding from the truth of the matter.
you see, mango may have as few as six weeks left, and if i am to assess things by the bare minimum, then i can't really justify being gone for nine days. there's really no way to know his exact life-expectancy, of course, but i'm just not comfortable leaving him right now.
i wish there was another way. it's not just missing you, new york, it's missing all my friends too. i know you understand. i know they understand.
and, can i add: what is it about this decision that robs me of any grace i might have when writing about it? i feel like an automaton right now, but i assure you: i am not without feeling about this. is this what others experience when difficult news stares them in the face? i've been behaving badly, for all i know. what i really mean is that i feel guilty for being selfish: selfish every time i think about the cost of this news. not only financial, but emotional as well.
good grief, the rest is just gibberish in my head. at any rate, i know you get it. i don't know when i'll be back, but i'll see you on my next visit when i can be worry-free.
love,
sara
i've been in denial for a bit now, ever since i got the news nearly two weeks ago diagnosing mango with lymphoma. i have been looking forward to seeing you for quite some time, especially because i was so in love with you two years ago that i teared up on the flight home.
can you believe how life changes? it's not surprising, but i think the pacing of things still stuns me at times. last night, as i was talking to my parents about you, my dad pipes up: "i thought you weren't going." i got really quiet because there was no hiding from the truth of the matter.
you see, mango may have as few as six weeks left, and if i am to assess things by the bare minimum, then i can't really justify being gone for nine days. there's really no way to know his exact life-expectancy, of course, but i'm just not comfortable leaving him right now.
i wish there was another way. it's not just missing you, new york, it's missing all my friends too. i know you understand. i know they understand.
and, can i add: what is it about this decision that robs me of any grace i might have when writing about it? i feel like an automaton right now, but i assure you: i am not without feeling about this. is this what others experience when difficult news stares them in the face? i've been behaving badly, for all i know. what i really mean is that i feel guilty for being selfish: selfish every time i think about the cost of this news. not only financial, but emotional as well.
good grief, the rest is just gibberish in my head. at any rate, i know you get it. i don't know when i'll be back, but i'll see you on my next visit when i can be worry-free.
love,
sara
4.11.2014
11 apr 2014
when i found out the news on tuesday, i was already en route from work to the vet to pick up mango from his series of tests. somewhere on the southbound five, i kept breathing, kept driving, listening as dr. mckee went through the x-rays and the ultrasound. "enlarged lymph node," she said. "thickening of the bowels." lymphoma. lymphoid sarcoma. i listened intently, but it was more for the tone of her voice than the news she was delivering.
dr. mckee has a uniquely calming tone, and i've always found it reassuring. i guess that's what happens when you know a veterinarian for 16 years. we've been through this before, so i trust her implicitly.
i've been through this before. i trust myself implicitly, though gingerly, with the knowledge that i gained when monty was diagnosed just over 4 years ago. these days i spend time talking to anyone who will listen. to the girl at work who i've never opened up to, who mentioned the word pet hair and got the "i just found out my cat has cancer" outpouring, thank you for listening. for the phone call from nyc in the middle of my work day--thank you, erin. i'm so glad i work a job where i can walk away from my desk anytime without a bunch of questioning glances from management. for the picture of a mango with the words "FUCK CANCER" that ended up on my facebook wall today, thank you lauren. for the texts and the messages and the talks from countless others, for my loving family, i am so thankful for all of you for being here for me right now. i want you to know it means so much to me.
mango continues to lose weight. he's at 13 pounds now (if my scale can be trusted), while he was around 16.2 about 15 months ago. his appetite is diminishing despite the prednisone, and he's picked out a new spot to lay down in my room. the change in behavior and weight loss make me itch because i draw comparisons to my prior experience with monty. my heart is breaking and this is the first time i've slowed down all week to really let myself feel it. i had a brief time of it on tuesday, yelling and angry in my car as i maneuvered safely down alicia parkway. i wanted to get rid of as much negativity as possible before i saw mango. i want him to feel safe and loved and comfortable...
...for the rest of his life.
dr. mckee has a uniquely calming tone, and i've always found it reassuring. i guess that's what happens when you know a veterinarian for 16 years. we've been through this before, so i trust her implicitly.
i've been through this before. i trust myself implicitly, though gingerly, with the knowledge that i gained when monty was diagnosed just over 4 years ago. these days i spend time talking to anyone who will listen. to the girl at work who i've never opened up to, who mentioned the word pet hair and got the "i just found out my cat has cancer" outpouring, thank you for listening. for the phone call from nyc in the middle of my work day--thank you, erin. i'm so glad i work a job where i can walk away from my desk anytime without a bunch of questioning glances from management. for the picture of a mango with the words "FUCK CANCER" that ended up on my facebook wall today, thank you lauren. for the texts and the messages and the talks from countless others, for my loving family, i am so thankful for all of you for being here for me right now. i want you to know it means so much to me.
mango continues to lose weight. he's at 13 pounds now (if my scale can be trusted), while he was around 16.2 about 15 months ago. his appetite is diminishing despite the prednisone, and he's picked out a new spot to lay down in my room. the change in behavior and weight loss make me itch because i draw comparisons to my prior experience with monty. my heart is breaking and this is the first time i've slowed down all week to really let myself feel it. i had a brief time of it on tuesday, yelling and angry in my car as i maneuvered safely down alicia parkway. i wanted to get rid of as much negativity as possible before i saw mango. i want him to feel safe and loved and comfortable...
...for the rest of his life.
 |
| photo credit: l. skantze, 4.21.11 |
4.09.2014
09 apr 2014
here i am again, dear friends and readers. life's been keeping me busy, and things that i set forth to do months ago (reviewing the entire coachella lineup, i'm looking at you) have been set aside time and again as more important things took priority. i've been having a lot of fun.
yesterday, time stood still as i learned once again that i am facing life with a cat that has cancer.
maybe i'll find my voice about this and share it with you, but for now i'm regrouping.
yesterday, time stood still as i learned once again that i am facing life with a cat that has cancer.
maybe i'll find my voice about this and share it with you, but for now i'm regrouping.
2.17.2014
17 feb 2014
yesterday i visited endeavor at the california science center in los angeles.
science stupefies me. i think i would do much better in school these days given my general interest in the world i live in. as a teenager, i think i was too short-sighted and self-focused to see very far beyond my own circumference of occupied earth. nowadays it's like, "SCIENCE!" that and i pay much more attention to bill nye the science guy.
i highly recommend this, if you are even the tiniest bit interested in space. do this and then go see the 3-D Imax movie about the Hubble Space Telescope. your itty-bitty world/mind will be forever changed. i ended up rounding out the day with the movie "gravity," and i can tell you that it was truly a perfect day. let's hear it for Science!
science stupefies me. i think i would do much better in school these days given my general interest in the world i live in. as a teenager, i think i was too short-sighted and self-focused to see very far beyond my own circumference of occupied earth. nowadays it's like, "SCIENCE!" that and i pay much more attention to bill nye the science guy.
i highly recommend this, if you are even the tiniest bit interested in space. do this and then go see the 3-D Imax movie about the Hubble Space Telescope. your itty-bitty world/mind will be forever changed. i ended up rounding out the day with the movie "gravity," and i can tell you that it was truly a perfect day. let's hear it for Science!
1.20.2014
20 jan 2014
i went to my first (and only) coachella 3 years ago. it was some of the most fun i've ever had for 3 days in a row. it was thrilling and exhausting. it was also expensive. while i think that there's a lot of value built in to the cost (how many bands can you see? i felt like i was riding a roller coaster!), what was even more valuable to me that year was all the new music i was introduced to: fitz & the tantrums, givers, and m ward come to mind, though i can assure you there were many more groups thanks to the friends i was with.
last year i enjoyed the concert from the comfort of a friend's home with an extra-large television and a fast internet connection streaming youtube's broadcast. hot chip really killed it for me (among others, they were the stand out that night). it also helped that there was a comfortable sofa, a whole artichoke for me to eat by myself, and soft blankets.
over the next several weeks, i will go through the entire lineup, a-to-z, and let you know what i think. it will go something like this:
- i'll let you know how familiar i was with the music prior to this experiment,
- i promise listen to at least three of the top-rated songs (via spotify) so that i can say i gave them a fair shake,
- i'll offer a brief bio of the group
- and finally, i'll let you know what i thought of the artist/band
the official coachella line up can be found here. i've already begun my research, and i have all of the "a" bands queued up. see you soon!
11.18.2013
18 nov 2013
it's almost been three weeks. the blogging is waning. what gives?
the story is the same as it ever was: i am trying to balance life and my artistic ambitions. my time is divided between work, sleep, exercise and loved ones. what i want to do least of all is cram blog posts with anecdotal mumbo-jumbo. i want quality!
as i'm trying to type this, mango (who turns 12 in about a week) is pawing at my belly, attempting to get me to move my laptop and give him a spot on top of my lap. mango's age prompts thoughts of my dearest first cat, the tabby fondly nicknamed "the butler" by my friend adrienne. she took care of monty on more than one occasion when i was out of town. and then, of course, my friend and former roommate kim actually helped me adopt him way back in 1998.
let me get nostalgic for just a moment here--it's so what i love to do (if you know me, it's very true). in 1998, i was living in san clemente. the first thing that i did upon having a place of my own--a two bedroom apartment that overlooked the 5 freeway and the beach, with killer views of the san clemente pier and catalina (on clear days) and hundreds of amazing sunsets--was adopt a cat. it was so easy back then! no one asked to call my landlord to see if i lived in a pet-friendly building. no one asked for references. no one asked much of anything that i can recall. i forked over some money, in partnership with kim, and this cute black and tan tabby with a spotted belly came home with me.
somewhere in my closet there is a picture of monty sleeping on my clock radio (or perhaps it's just a strong recollection i have of him)--he was such a wee thing who grew up to be quite the impressive dude. i loved that cat like no other. or, truly, each pet i've had i love a little bit differently. i think the same goes for people, too. we all arouse different emotions, touching each other in a specifically unique way. that's how i see it.
one of my favorite memories from that apartment took place on a pleasantly warm evening. the sun was setting, and i imagine one of us was grilling something on the propance-powered, vcr-sized hibachi grill that stood 5 inches or so above the ground. monty was sitting on a stool by the kitchen. i was in the vicinity and suddenly monty was out on the balcony. as i took in the scene, my brain put the scene together: monty leapt off of the stool with such strength as to knock it to the ground. the "thud" of the wooden stool on the floor startled him so much that he ran with incredible force through the (somewhat decrepit) screen door. he effortlessly tore a whole through the mesh and left kim and me in stitches. it's one of the funniest things i've ever seen an animal do.
these furry beasts that touch our lives for the briefest of moments, in tandem with the limited time we enjoy here on earth--they really do something special. for me, it's cats. what would i do? where would i be? without them, i think i might sometimes lose my way.
as i'm trying to type this, mango (who turns 12 in about a week) is pawing at my belly, attempting to get me to move my laptop and give him a spot on top of my lap. mango's age prompts thoughts of my dearest first cat, the tabby fondly nicknamed "the butler" by my friend adrienne. she took care of monty on more than one occasion when i was out of town. and then, of course, my friend and former roommate kim actually helped me adopt him way back in 1998.
let me get nostalgic for just a moment here--it's so what i love to do (if you know me, it's very true). in 1998, i was living in san clemente. the first thing that i did upon having a place of my own--a two bedroom apartment that overlooked the 5 freeway and the beach, with killer views of the san clemente pier and catalina (on clear days) and hundreds of amazing sunsets--was adopt a cat. it was so easy back then! no one asked to call my landlord to see if i lived in a pet-friendly building. no one asked for references. no one asked much of anything that i can recall. i forked over some money, in partnership with kim, and this cute black and tan tabby with a spotted belly came home with me.
somewhere in my closet there is a picture of monty sleeping on my clock radio (or perhaps it's just a strong recollection i have of him)--he was such a wee thing who grew up to be quite the impressive dude. i loved that cat like no other. or, truly, each pet i've had i love a little bit differently. i think the same goes for people, too. we all arouse different emotions, touching each other in a specifically unique way. that's how i see it.
one of my favorite memories from that apartment took place on a pleasantly warm evening. the sun was setting, and i imagine one of us was grilling something on the propance-powered, vcr-sized hibachi grill that stood 5 inches or so above the ground. monty was sitting on a stool by the kitchen. i was in the vicinity and suddenly monty was out on the balcony. as i took in the scene, my brain put the scene together: monty leapt off of the stool with such strength as to knock it to the ground. the "thud" of the wooden stool on the floor startled him so much that he ran with incredible force through the (somewhat decrepit) screen door. he effortlessly tore a whole through the mesh and left kim and me in stitches. it's one of the funniest things i've ever seen an animal do.
these furry beasts that touch our lives for the briefest of moments, in tandem with the limited time we enjoy here on earth--they really do something special. for me, it's cats. what would i do? where would i be? without them, i think i might sometimes lose my way.
11.17.2013
17 nov 2013
it's been extraordinarily difficult to let go of my brief, spontaneous love affair with "breaking bad."
recently, while walking toward a restaurant for lunch with a friend, i exclaimed, "look--it's jesse!" this was due to the fact that the young man with blonde hair was wearing a black hoodie and a couple days worth of scruff on his face.
this week's videos that i have stumbled on include jimmy fallon:
and mythbusters (gag reel here, but the full episode is out there, too). and oh! there are blooper reels. there are prolific amounts of pop culture references that will be forever impacted by this show. i jumped on the bandwagon late in the game, and the amount of material that is out there highlights the fact that this show was a national phenomenon.
thank you, breaking bad, for making me obsessed with tv for a short while. however, this girl really needs to get back to reading books. and writing.
recently, while walking toward a restaurant for lunch with a friend, i exclaimed, "look--it's jesse!" this was due to the fact that the young man with blonde hair was wearing a black hoodie and a couple days worth of scruff on his face.
this week's videos that i have stumbled on include jimmy fallon:
and mythbusters (gag reel here, but the full episode is out there, too). and oh! there are blooper reels. there are prolific amounts of pop culture references that will be forever impacted by this show. i jumped on the bandwagon late in the game, and the amount of material that is out there highlights the fact that this show was a national phenomenon.
thank you, breaking bad, for making me obsessed with tv for a short while. however, this girl really needs to get back to reading books. and writing.
11.13.2013
13 nov 2013
it's a three-day work week for me. i should be gung-ho, but instead there's this feeling gnawing at my brain. it took me an hour to get home. then i sat in my car for another 20 minutes, unmoving, staring at my phone.
dinner was a quick turn-around as i reheated homemade lentil soup and quinoa for dinner. i talked to my sister for a while, enjoying the rare opportunity to chat at length about our lives and various happenings. i caught up with my roommate, too. then claire danes was on tv in "brokedown palace," so i watched that for a while.
my hat's off to writers who write for a living. these days i'm up at 5:30 am and i analyze for 9 hours. today, i don't have anything left to give. tonight, i'm going to bed on time. here's some adorable kitten photos*.
* here's the link from the article to ben torode's getty images page. because the internet NEEDS MOAR KITTENS.
dinner was a quick turn-around as i reheated homemade lentil soup and quinoa for dinner. i talked to my sister for a while, enjoying the rare opportunity to chat at length about our lives and various happenings. i caught up with my roommate, too. then claire danes was on tv in "brokedown palace," so i watched that for a while.
my hat's off to writers who write for a living. these days i'm up at 5:30 am and i analyze for 9 hours. today, i don't have anything left to give. tonight, i'm going to bed on time. here's some adorable kitten photos*.
* here's the link from the article to ben torode's getty images page. because the internet NEEDS MOAR KITTENS.
11.12.2013
12 nov 2013
{spoiler potential is high. i'm allowing myself several minutes to write and i'm not going to be worrying over what details spill out. you've been properly advised.}
i realize that i've watched a number of television series from top to bottom: twin peaks, x-files, alias, six feet under, lost, and most recently: breaking bad. i concluded my 2-3 months* of breaking bad on sunday and i have no idea where to even begin.
on september 29, while i was still working my way through season 2, my friend vicki updated her facebook status to read:
i have a soft heart for jesse. i hope against hope that he made it in the end (the unspoken ellipses that we are left with at the close of the show). he lost so much and while he is far from being a good guy, the show's writers did an excellent job at giving the audience many endearing qualities.
also, i just learned there is a spinoff in the works for saul goodman. i can only hope that it is more successful than the lone gunmen, but i don't think i'll be holding my breath anytime soon: only time will tell. you better believe that i'll be watching.
this is the part where i feel like apologizing: after all, my writing doesn't do the show justice, there's so much more that i could say, blah blah blah. but you and i just need to get over that bit: i'm not writing to win the pulitzer anytime soon.
watch breaking bad, if you haven't already. additional quality writing about the show may be found here and here.
*please note that i did have a false start trying to watch the show about 2 years ago. i couldn't get into it at that time. i think i only made it through two episodes. maybe three. times change!
i realize that i've watched a number of television series from top to bottom: twin peaks, x-files, alias, six feet under, lost, and most recently: breaking bad. i concluded my 2-3 months* of breaking bad on sunday and i have no idea where to even begin.
on september 29, while i was still working my way through season 2, my friend vicki updated her facebook status to read:
As of a week ago this past Friday, I was a Breaking Bad virgin. I have now watched 61 episodes in a little over a week and am just a bit psychologically damaged by the rabbit hole I tumbled down. I now understand why [my friends] crave articles about cute, fuzzy animals to combat the darkness. For the record, my husband has requested the following:i found this tremendously funny and i don't even think i was at the ricin part of the story at the time. i had officially drunk the kool-aid, however, and i was in. it wasn't without some difficulty, however. one harrowing episode (season 2, episode 6 : "peekaboo") absolutely crushed me. i could barely sleep that night, horrible images that jesse saw still reeling in my head.
That I stop ending my sentences with "bitch."
That I no longer greet him with the phrases "Wanna cook?", "I am the danger," or "Say my name."
That I not repeatedly shout "Shut up!" when he's talking to me.
That I stop suspecting ricin poisoning when I come down with any sickness.
I am making some headway in my PBBSD (that's post Breaking Bad stress disorder for those not in the fold). I cleaned two bathrooms this week and only hid a burner cell in one of the toilet tanks and I downgraded from hiding my cash in a barrel in the backyard to just stashing it in our crawlspace. Any and all donations to help me in my fight against PBBSD can be sent to SaveVicki[...]dotcom. Thank you.
Now let's finish this. Bitch.
i have a soft heart for jesse. i hope against hope that he made it in the end (the unspoken ellipses that we are left with at the close of the show). he lost so much and while he is far from being a good guy, the show's writers did an excellent job at giving the audience many endearing qualities.
also, i just learned there is a spinoff in the works for saul goodman. i can only hope that it is more successful than the lone gunmen, but i don't think i'll be holding my breath anytime soon: only time will tell. you better believe that i'll be watching.
this is the part where i feel like apologizing: after all, my writing doesn't do the show justice, there's so much more that i could say, blah blah blah. but you and i just need to get over that bit: i'm not writing to win the pulitzer anytime soon.
watch breaking bad, if you haven't already. additional quality writing about the show may be found here and here.
*please note that i did have a false start trying to watch the show about 2 years ago. i couldn't get into it at that time. i think i only made it through two episodes. maybe three. times change!
11.11.2013
11 nov 2013
today is veterans day.
my father served in vietnam. save for a few racks of kodak slides, he doesn't talk about his experience there. i don't know if he's ever gotten comfortable with what happened so that he can talk about it, and it seems to be one of those things you simply don't ask about. the slides are beautiful. they show a tropical, lush environment with beautiful trees with smooth green leaves. once in a while there is a picture of my dad working on some radio equipment. they don't show any of the horrors that i only imagine he experienced while he was there. i've never asked him if he changed his mind afterwards, or if he still thought it was worth fighting for. say what you want based off of the history books, but the people who were in it are the ones i look to as authorities on that subject matter. i'm not speaking of war in general, i'm looking at that one specifically. i think there is something unique about it.
but what do i know? i'm a poorly-read historian who is only now coming to have some semblance of political interest. i open my eyes a little here and there, and i'm having a hard time believing what i'm seeing. i'm not even speaking along party lines here--forget that for a moment. our knowledge about what is going on in the world is only as good as our source(s) of information, and the media is a business just like most institutions these days. we all have out jobs to do: what do they have to do to get paid?
while i'm unprepared to debate what's truth or fiction, i can speak directly from personal experience. i have grown up in a bubble. my part of the world, southern california, and my direct history is that of an individual who often doesn't recognize how good she has it. there are hardships i will never know. i've been irresponsible. i've had a life full of first world problems, where difficulty means i have to budget for a new set of tires for my 5-year-old car because i am commuting more now ever since i got a promotion at the bank, the one that's been my employer for almost twelve years come january. poor me.
i have to work to relate to the difficulties. i don't say this to be flip, but the devastation from natural disasters, from hurricane katrina through typhoon haiyan, i don't truly know the first thing about them and how can i ever? i empathize, i donate to the red cross, and then i take the warm clothes out of the dryer and fold them. why? because there are horrible, awful truths in this world and if i stop to take them in at length, if i absorb their weight, then my disposition is such that i would not even want to get up in the morning.
how do you handle the dissonance between your life and the lives that struggle around the globe? what is your vehicle of usefulness? how do you educate yourself? i read, but for pete's sake, what is real? fox news? russell brand? conspiracy theorists? the bbc? most of the days i seek out the truth i end up running away because i simply can't figure out who to trust.
my father served in vietnam. save for a few racks of kodak slides, he doesn't talk about his experience there. i don't know if he's ever gotten comfortable with what happened so that he can talk about it, and it seems to be one of those things you simply don't ask about. the slides are beautiful. they show a tropical, lush environment with beautiful trees with smooth green leaves. once in a while there is a picture of my dad working on some radio equipment. they don't show any of the horrors that i only imagine he experienced while he was there. i've never asked him if he changed his mind afterwards, or if he still thought it was worth fighting for. say what you want based off of the history books, but the people who were in it are the ones i look to as authorities on that subject matter. i'm not speaking of war in general, i'm looking at that one specifically. i think there is something unique about it.
but what do i know? i'm a poorly-read historian who is only now coming to have some semblance of political interest. i open my eyes a little here and there, and i'm having a hard time believing what i'm seeing. i'm not even speaking along party lines here--forget that for a moment. our knowledge about what is going on in the world is only as good as our source(s) of information, and the media is a business just like most institutions these days. we all have out jobs to do: what do they have to do to get paid?
while i'm unprepared to debate what's truth or fiction, i can speak directly from personal experience. i have grown up in a bubble. my part of the world, southern california, and my direct history is that of an individual who often doesn't recognize how good she has it. there are hardships i will never know. i've been irresponsible. i've had a life full of first world problems, where difficulty means i have to budget for a new set of tires for my 5-year-old car because i am commuting more now ever since i got a promotion at the bank, the one that's been my employer for almost twelve years come january. poor me.
i have to work to relate to the difficulties. i don't say this to be flip, but the devastation from natural disasters, from hurricane katrina through typhoon haiyan, i don't truly know the first thing about them and how can i ever? i empathize, i donate to the red cross, and then i take the warm clothes out of the dryer and fold them. why? because there are horrible, awful truths in this world and if i stop to take them in at length, if i absorb their weight, then my disposition is such that i would not even want to get up in the morning.
how do you handle the dissonance between your life and the lives that struggle around the globe? what is your vehicle of usefulness? how do you educate yourself? i read, but for pete's sake, what is real? fox news? russell brand? conspiracy theorists? the bbc? most of the days i seek out the truth i end up running away because i simply can't figure out who to trust.
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